#1
This is a short song/poem I wrote, I'll crit for crit...I might add more to this later I'm not sure...

Everything I ever wanted I saw in her eyes
Like looking out at the ocean during sunrise
Her soft golden hair raps around my heart
Her beautiful face, God's own work of art

I want to be with her until time stops to be
Alone I'm a caged bird, but she sets me free
I've never believed in a God but she makes me wonder
If there could be something above this sky we lay under

As the rain pours down around us, she will see
That she makes me the person that I want to be
I'll cleanse myself of self-loathing ways of the past
Then we'll lay in the gardens of a forever so vast
#2
Quote by Zeppelin08
This is a short song/poem I wrote, I'll crit for crit...I might add more to this later I'm not sure...

Everything I ever wanted I saw in her eyes
Like looking out at the ocean during sunrise take out "like
Her soft golden hair wraps around my heart
Her beautiful face, God's own work of art

I want to be with her until time stops to be what?
Alone I'm a caged bird, but she sets me free lets me sing sounds better to me
I've never believed in a God but she makes me wonder
If there could be something above this sky we lay under

As the rain pours down around us, she will see
That she makes me the person that I want to be
I'll cleanse myself of self-loathing ways of the past
Then we'll lay in the gardens of a forever so vast


This is obviously a religious song. I like it a lot! Good job.
High as tits
#3
Quote by Zeppelin08

Her beautiful face, God's own work of art

I've never believed in a God but she makes me wonder
If there could be something above this sky we lay under


I think those 2 parts kinda contradict one another.. saying that she is gods work, but not believing in god :-/... However, other than that I really enjoyed it, flowed really nicely...would make for a good cheesy lovely song haha, keep it up!

If you want, i have a song somewhere on the forum, "Lets go to the playground"...check it out sometime if you can find it...if not, don't worry about it.
70's Japan Greco SuperPower
Amps: '65 TRRI - Peavey Classic 50 4x10 - Epiphone VJ Head (Modded) - 2x12 Celestion Greenback Cab
FX: BK Tube Driver - EH Small Stone - MXR CC
Acoustics: Breedlove ADSM20 - Alveraz 5021 12-String
#4
wow, really good , i can tell some one is gettin laid tonight, cause once she hears that she is goin to be all yours, it flowed very nicely and u didnt stress any of the rhyming

crit mine http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=544276
My Music
http://www.myspace.com/theocifers
GUITARS:
Gibson ES-335
Gretsch Pro Jet
Guild Acoustic
1958 Harmony Hollowbody Archtop
AMPS & EFFECTS:
Vox Valvetronix AD50VT
Vox V847A Wah Pedal
Electro-Harmonix USA Big Muff
Danelectro Daddy-O
#5
Please check out the FAQ at the top of this forum and read up on titling your thread, and repost this. The mods'll close it soon enough.

Edit: Errr... unless "Short song" is classified as a genre... Not sure.
Main Gear:
Cort G-Series 254
Takamine EG345C 12-String
Fender Squier P-Bass

Peavey Classic 50
Laney HCM65B

$75 Junk Drums w/ B8 Hats/Crash/Ride
#6
Quote by Zeppelin08
This is a short song/poem I wrote, I'll crit for crit...I might add more to this later I'm not sure...

Everything I ever wanted I saw in her eyes
Like looking out at the ocean during sunrise
Her soft golden hair raps around my heart
Her beautiful face, God's own work of art
switch the second line, put it to the end, when i sing it it flows better like that

I want to be with her until time stops to be
Alone I'm a caged bird, but she sets me free
I've never believed in a God but she makes me wonder
If there could be something above this sky we lay under
if you make this a poem keep this how it is, but when you sing this take out to be in the first row, it seems like its forced

As the rain pours down around us, she will see
That she makes me the person that I want to be
I'll cleanse myself of self-loathing ways of the past
Then we'll lay in the gardens of a forever so vast
wow, this last part is very good


overall good, eexcept the 2 things i pointed out

Crit Mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=544519
My Music
Quote by x_themetalfan_x
For a second I thought the title said "I swallowed my dick".

my gear:
fender stratocaster american deluxe SSS(s1)
G-DEC 30W amp
custom carrying case
jasmine by takamine acoustic
silvertone acoustic

AMAZING GUITAR SOLO!!!