#1
We'll just made up a song, I got music that i play along with to it also (just 4 chords, but it works)...just want to hear some constructive crit'in for maybe something that isn't clear or anything like that.
Thanks!
::C4C::

Chorus:
Lets go to the playground....
We'll have a great time, we'll get married...
So innocent n' pure and nothing else mattered but the present.
a diamond in time, with a star in the sky.
came down in my palm to kiss me goodbye.
the lips on my hand, with an essence of sand...

Verse1:
I only feel up when you are down...
here in my own little personal cloud...
there was a time when i thought it was alright
to pick apart the pieces, and figure it out..

Verse2:
it's a puzzle with indefinite spaces...
having high hopes, to be chased by rain
washed away in this "simple" game.
around and around just going, down...
70's Japan Greco SuperPower
Amps: '65 TRRI - Peavey Classic 50 4x10 - Epiphone VJ Head (Modded) - 2x12 Celestion Greenback Cab
FX: BK Tube Driver - EH Small Stone - MXR CC
Acoustics: Breedlove ADSM20 - Alveraz 5021 12-String
#3
Don't mind KotsPis. I get it. Playground is a scenario to set the mood by making you think of the innocence and purity of tiny children playing around. The cloud symbolizes loneliness and isolation. (at least thats how I see it.). But one thing I don't understad is that you are reminiscing of how great your relationship was, but in verse one it jumps straight into a bitterness. Then in Verse 2 it goes back into the mourning of the relationship and feeling sorry for yourself. Its a bit too jumpy for me. It would make more sense to me if the first line in Verse 1 went "I'm only down when your up" then built something out of that. I hope that helps.
"Death of one is a tragety. Death of a thousand is just another statistic."
#4
Don't mind KotsPis.


Mind KotsPis. He's got a point. Images only work when they connect to each other or, in a meaningful way, don't connect. Fire and ice don't connect (unlike say, fire and heat), but if used correctly, that lack of connection could be very effective. Clouds and playgrounds have nothing to do with each other, and not even in a meaningful way. I think there's a lot you could do with a playground and games that you started to mention and sort of got into, but never really connected in a satisfying way. There's enough you could do that you don't need the help of clouds and rain and all those other unnecessary images.

Also go listen to Funeral For a Friend's "Roses for the Dead." Aside from being one the best songs ever written, it uses playgrounds in a very significant way.

Rock On
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#5
mmm, well
"I only feel up when you are down..." = teeder tauter (spelling?)
"around and around just going, down..." = spirally slide
I dunno, i tend to make things to subtle...maybe I'll try and fix that

But thanks for the crits, ill keep workin on it
70's Japan Greco SuperPower
Amps: '65 TRRI - Peavey Classic 50 4x10 - Epiphone VJ Head (Modded) - 2x12 Celestion Greenback Cab
FX: BK Tube Driver - EH Small Stone - MXR CC
Acoustics: Breedlove ADSM20 - Alveraz 5021 12-String