Please don't laugh, I'm having hard enough of a time as it is, just posting this is embarrassing.

Pardon my french, but no matter how ****ing hard I push my finger down across the fingerboard ( at whatever orientation I try. ) There's either a buzzing string(s) because it's not pushed down far enough or the string(s) just makes a pluck sound. My finger at a comfortable stance can push down on the 6th, 5th and 4th strings and play them without buzzing, but the other three, thinner strings I simply can't get to. If attempt to try other orientations with my finger I just get buzzing from other strings and even fail outright from attempting to get those last 3 strings in the first place.

What the hell do I do?! Get fat? Get buff fingers? Is there someone else here who has had previous experience with this problem?
You need to get buff fingers, at the beggining its hard for everyone and some strings sound muted, just keep doing barres until you can apply enough pressure, if you are desperate buy a gripmaster.

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Um, might I suggest moving your thumb towards the center of the neck if that's not what you're already doing? Other than proper technique, the only practical thing anybody can really suggest is that you practice. These things don't come easy. Especially barre chords. Nobody can nail them perfectly at first. You really just have to mess around and find a good technique that allows you to play the note cleanly.

And since the above paragraph was probably of little or no help, the least I can do is tell you not to be ashamed about this... You'll get it, trust me. We were all there at one point or another, and know just what you're going through.
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Nah, i'm not desperate just frustrated, but yeah, i'm a beginner so I guess I shouldn't go off the wall or anything like that, just needed to get some advice from the other players.
Most everyone I know has had this problem. I guess maybe rock climbers may not, but the simple fact is your fingers and hands are not used to exerting the amount of pressure necessary to barre cleanly right off the bat. You just have to try, and hold it there. You may tire your hands out after practicing the barres, which is OK - don't push on past that. Eventually they develop the muscles in order to do it better. You'll want to stay away from the lower frets because it can be more difficult to bar up there.
i'm skinny too, and i've learned eventually, so you'll learn it too, don't worry... it just takes time, no need to get fat. i used to be very frustrated because of the same problem, and it helps if you kick something (not the guitar).
and another thing, when playing simple major or minor barre chords, you don't have to barre hard all six strings, you only need to properly fret low E, high e, b, g (if playing a minor chord) with your index finger, cause you're fretting the other strings with other fingers. also try to roll your index finger a bit till you find a comfortable position.
just practice...
eat a whole bunch of fatty foods and pray that it goes to your fingers. try finger pushups too! nah seriously though i have your same damn problem, just keep practicing and you WILL get dont worry. nothing comes easy just work for it.
I agree with most of the comments here that trying to build up strength in your fingers is the best thing to do, but so far no one's asked about your action. Maybe you need to lower it. For example, I could never cleanly barre anything on my acoustic guitar (and some of my electrics) for the longest time because the strings were so high. (It's the G string that gets me)

In a way, it was actually a good thing because I learned several alternate shapes that didn't require barring, so now I can play most major/minor chords in several different shapes.
I am taking lessions and only been playing a few weeks my instructure suggests doing lots of bends and vibratos to build finger strength. We haven't started bar chords yet b/c he wants me to work on my strength first. I know doing vibratos with my pinky is really beefing it up quickly.
Hey scruff. have you had your guitar looked at by a luthier? what kind is it? I had a boot sale special that i couldnt barre on. Got a new one that i could barre on and after no time i had the strenght the barre better on old one as well. Get an electric...barreing is no problem on an electric by the way
Thanks for the advice guys. That thumb technique is helping a bit. My guitar is an electric, it looks like a squier stratocaster but it has some strange looking guitar head i've never seen before. It's got some marks on scratches on it, been through a lot but still looks and plays great. It actually isn't mine really, it's one of my dad's old guitars he got cheap at around 75$, he takes good care of it, he said it might be an "imitation strato" or a custom guitar.
Try lowering the bridge just on the last few strings should make the easier to press down.
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your palm is the muscle that controls your fingers, along with your forearm muscle. so just like any other muscle, you have to work it out. IMO, just do scales constantly along with whatever else you want to practice, but focus on getting every note clear and eventually that should give you the finger strength you need. also, dont cheat yourself by lowering the bridge because that doesnt help in the long run. good luck.
The first 3 months of vigorous practice and I still couldn't play barre chords, but eventually it'll come around and your wrist muscles will improve.

And no, you don't need to be a fatty to do it right.
Push down with the bottom of your finger - the G B E strings are easy to push down if you focus on pushing down with the BOTTOM/BASE of you finger. The other strings will come naturally.

If not, practice.
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