#1
hey guys, im new here, but i thought i would share some of the stuff ive written with you lot. creative feedback would be nice.

what makes us live

when all we see is dark and gray
we come to the warmth and hide away
from all this horror in our forgetful past
i tied myself apon my own mast
to escape the dreadful fate in store
for all those who cry and flail
in agony brought on by
dreadful tragedy

let me fly
let me find
what makes us live
and not to die
let me cry
to inflict myself
whatmakes us live
not want to die

when all inside is twisted round
your hopes lie trampled on the ground
the wishes of a generation
lie beyond the fears and dreams
of a society so dependent and stuck
on calories and cocaine lines
and fall before the reaping scythe
of mad empirors and nuclear sins

like i said, feel free to destroy it and rebuild it

cheers
#2
I like this piece. It has a nice rhyming scheme, maybe lengthen it? Would this be for Crimson Tear, perchance?
#3
I like how you paint a picture of reality without it being too realistic and gruesome, if that makes any sense. I enjoy hearing songs and reading poetry about real things, but I dislike having these extreme details being added. So, you found a very good medium between the two. Good job.
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#4
It started off well but when you took it to the political route at the end I think it took away from where you started off. Eventhough it has some relevance it still seemed like if you wanted to bring up certain issues you could have started them earlier. Just my critique thou
#5
Quote by archy von darko
hey guys, im new here, but i thought i would share some of the stuff ive written with you lot. creative feedback would be nice.

what makes us live

when all we see is dark and gray
we come to the warmth and hide away
from all this horror in our forgetful past
i tied myself apon my own mast
to escape the dreadful fate in store
for all those who cry and flail
in agony brought on by
dreadful tragedy
You used a ship/pirate theme with "my own mast", perhaps (still keeping that same rhyme) changing the next line to "to escape the dreadful fate on shore"...?

let me fly
let me find
what makes us live
and not to die
let me cry
to inflict myself
what makes us live
not want to die

when all inside is twisted round
your hopes lie trampled on the ground
the wishes of a generation
lie beyond the fears and dreams
of a society so dependent and stuck
on calories and cocaine lines
and fall before the reaping scythe
of mad empirors and nuclear sins

like i said, feel free to destroy it and rebuild it

cheers


I do like it though. Add another verse/stanza ::type