#1
What even happened to this place. Oh well.

Poem, or, Stanzas In Which I Mock Elliott Smith, Allen Ginsberg, Jack Kerouac and Conor Oberst All At Once, Among Others...

Tell me, Elliott, were you part of that pseudo-Bohemian clan
That delved into the works of Jack
And Allen, maybe Kurt, but never really understood
Because you were too jack-bent on telling all your friends
(dressed in miniskirts over tight-pulled jeans)
That what you just read has
"ohmigod it just changed my life."

I'll bet you were.
You could strum a chord, man, but were you a thinker?
Well who's to make that call.

Did you really feel it though?
Who ran through alleys over fences through the China-shop past the corner to scream a plea across the intersection about your petrified politics
Who passed out stone-cold to the touch at the thought of giving it up
Who drank to the binge of your bird's-nest view of solitude over the mountaintops of the angry path to Seattle

Where it rains,
rains,rains,rains,rains&rains.

Who'll be next, Tim or Conor?
Something of a farce that those are the only logical answers
'Cause I'll bet they've got some catching-up to do on their reading as well
But they ain't shit
You weren't shit
None of 'em

"Such an angry pathway"
said a cloud in the sky
"Like staring down a broken glass lined with razor blades,
trying to get at that last drop of tequila
'cause that's all that'll take it away."
Murderers! You're murderers! (We are not the same as you).
#2
WOW. Now that's been a while. You probably don't remember me, but I remember you Jacob, isn't it?

Quote by monkeyguy629
What even happened to this place. Oh well.

Poem, or, Stanzas In Which I Mock Elliott Smith, Allen Ginsberg, Jack Kerouac and Conor Oberst All At Once, Among Others...

Tell me, Elliott, were you part of that pseudo-Bohemian clan
That delved into the works of Jack
And Allen, maybe Kurt, but never really understood
Because you were too jack-bent on telling all your friends
(dressed in miniskirts over tight-pulled jeans)
That what you just read has
"ohmigod it just changed my life."

i like the references to the various writers here. i thought the flow was a bit off though, and the last line wasn't the best ever. especially the 'ohmigod'. not much else to say here

I'll bet you were.
You could strum a chord, man, but were you a thinker?
Well who's to make that call.

second line is great.

Did you really feel it though?
Who ran through alleys over fences through the China-shop past the corner to scream a plea across the intersection about your petrified politics
Who passed out stone-cold to the touch at the thought of giving it up
Who drank to the binge of your bird's-nest view of solitude over the mountaintops of the angry path to Seattle

this is better than the first stanza. you take your vocabulary to a higher level, and it fllows better.

Where it rains,
rains,rains,rains,rains&rains.

Who'll be next, Tim or Conor?
Something of a farce that those are the only logical answers
'Cause I'll bet they've got some catching-up to do on their reading as well
But they ain't shit
You weren't shit
None of 'em

not too fond of the 'shit' here. other lines were okay

"Such an angry pathway"
said a cloud in the sky
"Like staring down a broken glass lined with razor blades,
trying to get at that last drop of tequila
'cause that's all that'll take it away."
great stanza to end with, i thought. it's good writing again;


i know i didn't really crit in depth, but i'm tired as hell. i wanted to try though, so i did my best.
can you check mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=545203
tnx
#3
I don't like the refferences.

I mean, Hell, I reference the shit out of a lot of people, places, and things, but the your choices just seem like you're trying really hard to market this towards...well, the kind of people who like the people you referenced.

When I think scene, I think Elliott, Conor, and even poets like Ginsberg. The fact that this piece is so blunt about these people just makes the whole thing seem like some sort of gimmick. The artist talking about the popular artists to gain art cred.


I'm sorry, I know that this was in no way helpful at all, and this wasn't really a crit, just nitpicking. I'll probably do a full crit tomorrow once I read this a few more times.
Poor advice.
#4
Quote by stellar_legs
I don't like the refferences.

I mean, Hell, I reference the shit out of a lot of people, places, and things, but the your choices just seem like you're trying really hard to market this towards...well, the kind of people who like the people you referenced.

When I think scene, I think Elliott, Conor, and even poets like Ginsberg. The fact that this piece is so blunt about these people just makes the whole thing seem like some sort of gimmick. The artist talking about the popular artists to gain art cred.


I'm sorry, I know that this was in no way helpful at all, and this wasn't really a crit, just nitpicking. I'll probably do a full crit tomorrow once I read this a few more times.


?No, I definitely appreciate it. I mean I probably appreciate it only 'cause i've had a few... dozen... mmm... good night of liquor, but regardless, i completely agree with yours commend of "the artist talking about the popular artists to gain art cred". unforutnately, you're probably right; i probably only referenced them 'cause i thought it'd be intelligent, artistic and true. and probably 'cause i just studied ginsberg in English 202.

anyways, i may be drunk, but i agree with you . thanks.
Murderers! You're murderers! (We are not the same as you).
#5
Mm I re-read what I wrote from over a month ago and thought I'd post a coherant answer: I intentionally used those references as marketability; you were right, I'm aiming it at that group but not so they appreciate it, but so that the others that read it can sense the exclusion that comes from such.

Make sense?

Maybe not.
Murderers! You're murderers! (We are not the same as you).
#6
I found it curious as to how this is written in a very similiar style as a lot of ginsberg pieces.

that's really all I have to say; I'm more or less illiterate.

Jakeyyyy
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#7
The irony is that in your attempt to mock or distance yourself from these people or the "scene" you seem more of a scenester.
I mean, really, who the hell would think Tim or Conor are important enough to be mentioned but a scenester?
#8
Quote by shultshead
The irony is that in your attempt to mock or distance yourself from these people or the "scene" you seem more of a scenester.
I mean, really, who the hell would think Tim or Conor are important enough to be mentioned but a scenester?



****IN' EXACTLY.


Quote by less than that
I found it curious as to how this is written in a very similiar style as a lot of ginsberg pieces.

that's really all I have to say; I'm more or less illiterate.

Jakeyyyy


MIKE?!

<3

Come back to meee!
Murderers! You're murderers! (We are not the same as you).