#1
I like this style.

Critique for critique.

Enjoy


remember when you didn't really like the girl
it was just an image thing
instead of really feeling it
you ummed and ahhed
googled it
then eeny meeny miney moe
the one on the left is shorter
'cos my girl can't be taller

oooh
which one to pick
oooh
which girl to pick
standing in a line like bottles of beer
if a guy picks one
well theres always more to go around

remember when
it wasn't just based on looks
'cos if they smelled bad you wouldn't drop hints
you'd go
oh, you stink
not in a nice way, just off the cuff insulting
no reason or rhyme
jay did this, stupid sod
he's never grown up
told his girlfriend she needed to brush her teeth
why?
she'd never shut her gob
though she might let me do the talking
get over it jay
you should feel lucky you got a girl anyway

oooh
which one to pick
oooh
which girl to pick
standing in a line like bottles of beer
if a guy picks one
well theres always more to go around

instead of really feeling it
you ummed and ahhed
then tried to google the answer
#2
Hey, who is Jay....does her brush his teeth, does he even have any teeth???? No grill no girl right? Im not sure if I liked it, although I didnt hate it. Dont know if I understand it.
I got nothin to say so no one can hold nothin against me
#3
Quote by Jammydude44
I like this style.

Critique for critique.

Enjoy


remember when you didn't really like the girl
it was just an image thing
instead of really feeling it
you ummed and ahhed
googled it

i really like d the intro . just helps reader to get in the mood

then eeny meeny miney moe
the one on the left is shorter
'cos my girl can't be taller

eeny meeny miney moe . excellent to get attention but 2 lines after that are sort of a mood killer

oooh
which one to pick
oooh
which girl to pick
standing in a line like bottles of beer
if a guy picks one
well theres always more to go around

nice i liked it except the last line. idea of comparison was good

remember when
it wasn't just based on looks
'cos if they smelled bad you wouldn't drop hints
you'd go
oh, you stink
not in a nice way, just off the cuff insulting
no reason or rhyme
jay did this, stupid sod
he's never grown up
told his girlfriend she needed to brush her teeth
why?
she'd never shut her gob
though she might let me do the talking
get over it jay
you should feel lucky you got a girl anyway

nice narration over here, but didn't had the same impact as 1 st one

oooh
which one to pick
oooh
which girl to pick
standing in a line like bottles of beer
if a guy picks one
well theres always more to go around

instead of really feeling it
you ummed and ahhed
then tried to google the answer


ending is good. overall i liked it
#5
Eh, fairdos Tig.

First guy, your post confused me.

Abhishek, link me up if you've got something I could take a look at.
#7
i really really really didn't like this.

it reminded me of lame teenage pop-punk.
it felt WAY too juvenile for me and i just felt
like screaming "GROW THE FUCK UP" at the
computer screen the whole time i was reading.

I just want to sleep forever.


#8
Eh, again fairdos. Though it is supposed to be reminiscing of how ridiculous those teenage pop-punk times with girls were.

But yeah, I see your point. I didn't see many reg's taking to this tbh.
#9
I agree with Tigger and Kyle pretty much. I felt the only redeeming qualities to this were the pop culture references (mainly, "googled it") and the chorus was slightly clever, good enough to set it apart as a pop-punk song.

However it fails to reach the level of a good poppy song because it doesn't flow very well, and it lacks very much rhyming, which while debatable, I feel are both necessary for a successful pop-punk song.

I'm not going to hate on this because of the style, but because it's poorly done in that style. Your last one, which I meant to comment on but didn't since it had so many already, was better done than this.

I'd like to see you push yourself harder and write something better than this though, writing simplistic pop-punk songs aren't going to help you develop as a writer.