#1
we're all alone in this my sweetheart
i know we love and care for more
but they put difference into their cart
and shop at their convenience stores
of conformation and detention
losing thinking, intellection
and through all this we're alone
but, damn, somehow we stay happy
there's not a fire anymore
just a chilling, funny feeling
about how endlessly we drone
on subjects praying, starving, kneeling
today our souls will form a stone
and we'll rest our breaking bones
turning off our cell phones
while ignoring all their moans
cause hun, we're still alone
don't think it bad, but as a blessing
indefinitely we are condoned
to run away in this choice dressing
of nothing, cause we've got nothing to hide
cradle me again, while we let time die
play some music, dance naked, and sip on some wine
babe, there's nothing ****ing sweeter than feelings so fine...
#3
Quote by TheTripleThreat
we're all alone in this my sweetheart
i know we love and care for more
but they put difference into their cart

try but they added our differences in their cart
just a thought

and shop at their convenience stores
of conformation and detention
losing thinking, intellection
and through all this we're alone
but, damn, somehow we stay happy
there's not a fire anymore
just a chilling, funny feeling
about how endlessly we drone



bolded 1 liked it

on subjects praying, starving, kneeling
today our souls will form a stone
and we'll rest our breaking bones
turning off our cell phones
while ignoring all their moans
cause hun, we're still alone
don't think it bad, but as a blessing
indefinitely we are condoned
to run away in this choice dressing
of nothing, cause we've got nothing to hide
cradle me again, while we let time die
play some music, dance naked, and sip on some wine
babe, there's nothing ****ing sweeter than feelings so fine...



overall flows gr8 . i will full crit it later
Hi
#4
Quote by TheTripleThreat
we're all alone in this my sweetheart
i know we love and care for more
but they put difference into their cart
and shop at their convenience stores<----I'm actually laughing at this right now. If this is meant to be serious...That's not good.
of conformation and detention
losing thinking, intellection<----Trent Reznor-ish.
and through all this we're alone
but, damn, somehow we stay happy
there's not a fire anymore
just a chilling, funny feeling
about how endlessly we drone
on subjects praying, starving, kneeling
today our souls will form a stone
and we'll rest our breaking<----Does "broken" sound like a cliche here? Cause if you're fine with it, I'd change it to that. bones
turning off our cell phones
while ignoring all their moans
cause hun, we're still alone
don't think it bad, but as a blessing
indefinitely we are condoned
to run away in this choice dressing
of nothing, cause we've got nothing to hide
cradle me again, while we let time die
play some music, dance naked, and sip on some wine
babe, there's nothing ****ing sweeter than feelings so fine...<----Keep going, maybe?


Starting out...Make sure to divide up by verse, chorus, etc, unless it's a poem.

Overall, it isn't that bad. Quite good. Also, can you crit my stuff? It's in my signature. Thanks in advance!!
#5
is this song about your ass buddy, liberace? you say my song is about the same thing....this is just another love song...to a man...cuz your gay...right?....go pack someone's shit and leave your comments to yourself....i asked for constructive criticism and you come running your mouth....later SWEETHEART
The blues had a child...it was called rock and roll