#1
Started as a song,but now a poem.Please Crit.


I will give you the moon,to light your way at night
For when your walking under broken New York City street lights
Then I'll bring it to you,just so you can see
Just how much,you really mean to me
Then I'll get you a star,to light up your face
So we can put the lights of Times Square in the shade
Running through my bloodstream
Is only intoxicated dreams
Dreams of me and you

Then I'll give you the sun,to take the clouds away
So that when your with me,we'll have no rainy days
And I will always make sure that that sun will shine
So the whole world will always know that you are mine
I'll even build up fences,to protect you from the storms
And i promise you that I will always keep you warm
Running through my bloodstream
Is only intoxicated dreams
Dreams of me and you

And if a raindrop,if a single one should fall
You'll have no moon,no sun,or no star
#3
I will give you the moon,to light your way at night
cliche, my friend....
For when your walking under broken New York City street lights
but i think you save it on this line.
Then I'll bring it to you,just so you can see
Just how much,you really mean to me
again, a little cliche. im not against cliche tho. the way its used.. i think ill let it be.
Then I'll get you a star,to light up your face
So we can put the lights of Times Square in the shade
i love the new york references in this.
Running through my bloodstream
Is only intoxicated dreams
Dreams of me and you
i dont really like when you say "is." any other way we could phrase that? it jsut bothers me. other wise, good way to end the first part.

Then I'll give you the sun,to take the clouds away
So that when your with me,we'll have no rainy days
And I will always make sure that that sun will shine
So the whole world will always know that you are mine
i dont really like this. it seems like ive heard it before.
I'll even build up fences,to protect you from the storms
And i promise you that I will always keep you warm
this is good tho.
Running through my bloodstream
Is only intoxicated dreams
Dreams of me and you
again, i dont really like is. it seems to work a bit better here. but i get what youre trying to say.

And if a raindrop,if a single one should fall
You'll have no moon,no sun,or no star
wow, great ending.
overall, i lhink this is pretty good. a couple anti-cliche measures could make this better. pretty good. if you get a chance, crit mine, 70/30..
thanks.


darkangel322
The only truly consistent people are dead people.

#4
i liked it but you used light in the first 2 lines twice. maybe a therosaurous. anyway very good you should add some chords and sing it to a girl.