#1
a little free verse i wrote. =) crit 4 crit, leave a link.

70/30

Gruesome fatigue fills my head
Because mindless thoughts
Keep marching arrogantly through
My restless mind.
I could blame it all on you,
But my words never do things justice
I know I will stumble on a wreck of verbs
And then just drift towards
Sleepless nights
Spent staring at my ceiling
Wishing for a miracle
And wondering why you stopped.
I felt you, so close
Sitting there with me.
You turned feverishly away
And murmured about leaving.
What did you see that made you
Turn away?


--darkangel322
The only truly consistent people are dead people.

#2
Quote by darkangel322
a little free verse i wrote. =) crit 4 crit, leave a link.

70/30

Gruesome fatigue fills my head
Because mindless thoughts
Keep marching arrogantly through
My restless mind. i like this description... very figurative and also a great description off that feeling... bahaha you know what i mean
I could blame it all on you,
But my words never do things justice
I know I will stumble on a wreck of verbs
And then just drift towards
Sleepless nights
Spent staring at my ceiling
Wishing for a miracle
And wondering why you stopped. again good
I felt you, so close
Sitting there with me.
You turned feverishly away
And murmured about leaving.
What did you see that made you
Turn away?this is good too. feverishly is a great word


--darkangel322


i decided i really like this but i feel that its a bit choppy... i mean that it doesnt really flow. You know how some words flow. We did this thing in English class where you write a poem and every line contains the same amount of syllables. So if the first line had 12 syllables, line 2 would have 12 syllables. That usually gives a nice flow. But i did like this. Keep it up
Quote by MightyAl
Incest, the game the whole family can play. Now for ages 3+
#3
I really like this piece I think it's great. You use great descriptions.

In the line: "But my words never do things justice" I don't think "things" is necessary

I also really like Gruesome fatigue fills my head
Because mindless thoughts
Keep marching arrogantly through
My restless mind.


edit. please crit https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=547848

thanks a lot
#4
Quote by darkangel322
a little free verse i wrote. =) crit 4 crit, leave a link.

70/30

Gruesome fatigue fills my head
Because mindless thoughts
Keep marching arrogantly through
My restless mind. <-----Not to wild about the openers.
I could blame it all on you,
But my words never do things justice <----This is good, however
I know I will stumble on a wreck of verbs
And then just drift towards
Sleepless nights
Spent staring at my ceiling
Wishing for a miracle
And wondering why you stopped. <----INSANELY GOOD.
I felt you, so close
Sitting there with me.
You turned feverishly away
And murmured about leaving.
What did you see that made you
Turn away?


--darkangel322


Overall, it isn't a bad start, but it isn't the best start. Oh well. Impress me with the rest! Lemme get you a link.

Right Here
#5
Quote by darkangel322
a little free verse i wrote. =) crit 4 crit, leave a link.

70/30

Gruesome fatigue fills my head
Because mindless thoughts
Keep marching arrogantly through
My restless mind.
I could blame it all on you,
But my words never do things justice
I know I will stumble on a wreck of verbs
And then just drift towards
Sleepless nights
Spent staring at my ceiling
Wishing for a miracle
And wondering why you stopped.
I felt you, so close
Sitting there with me.
You turned feverishly away
And murmured about leaving.
What did you see that made you
Turn away?
I like this , its like a poetic feel..but its so mysterious..sometimes i get that through ur writing, u can tell about a subject but in the end of that piece or song u write u always leave a little box of mystery that every eye opens differently.But as for the song,its pretty awesome, you could always change some words, of course, there are never ending possibilitys, like, instead of you murmured about leaving, you could say, you spoke, or you whispered, u kno? but its still good the way it is! lol


--darkangel322

But ya! good work