#1
we live on dirty streets
sewers under your feet
we're crawling from the dirt
we will not come unhurt

(chorus)
We're living in shadows of doubt
but thats not what we're about
why should we live in fear
when we could hold life so dear

The drainage ditch our home
by the streets where we roam
in the end if we die
at least we weren't a lie

come out from your gutter
come and see the sun
leave out the clutter
life has come undone

Maybe the clouds will move
the world may improve
and if the sun comes out
we may leave our shadows of doubt

sorry if the main AABB rhyming scheme comes off as forced. thats just the way this came to mind for me. critique for critique
#2
we live on dirty streets
sewers under your feet
we're crawling from the dirt
we will not come unhurt
Okay, this is the only line here I would suggest changing. Unhurt, I don't think, is a word, and if it is, try not to use it. Just say harmed or something similar. The line is awkwardly phrased and it comes off forced, just for the rhyming. Don't do that, man. This is better than succumbing to the scum that is forced rhyming. Other than that, great opening verse. It's a bit vague, but I suppose it'll work.

(chorus)
We're living in shadows of doubt
but thats not what we're about
Awkward. "What we're" doesn't really flow well to me. If there's any way you could revise that to avoid that, then go for it.
why should we live in fear
when we could hold life so dear
Hmmm... for the chorus, I think you should go for another rhyme scheme. If you do that, the chorus will really stick out more and not blend in with the rest of the song, which is something you should avoid at all costs. The chorus needs to pop, stand out, otherwise it really gives the song a sort of flatline. Dead. It will kill the song. Also, some people may find the repetitive AABB pattern annoying after awhile. For their sake, I think you should try some variety. I know it may be difficult to rewrite with a different scheme, trust me, I've been in that boat as well, but seriously looked into revising this to be different. It will drastically improve the overall quality.

The content is awesomel; the forced rhyming and rhyme scheme is dragging it down though.


The drainage ditch our home
by the streets where we roam
You've already used this exact imagery. It's like you haven't moved on from the first verse. You need a transition here so that it flows right into your next idea. Here, you just repeat exactly what the first said. You can repeat information, but you have to do it with fresh ideas, imagery, metaphors, vocab, etc. You don't want people growing bored with it. No deja vu, please.
in the end if we die
at least we weren't a lie
Specification needed here. Why? What sort of life did you lead that wasn't a lie? What are you considering a lie? Who exactly are 'we'? At this point, the audience should know who you are, what point of view this is from, and at least a vague idea what you're going for. You're not quite there. Close, but no cigar. It's fine, though. I suggest taking some time and try to cram more info into your lines. You can do it easily by replacing some of the bland, unspecific, broader words.

come out from your gutter
come and see the sun
leave out the clutter
life has come undone
This is great, man. Nice job.

Maybe the clouds will move
the world may improve
and if the sun comes out
we may leave our shadows of doubt
Well, the last two lines are awesome. Don't touch them.
The only problem I have is how you stated before in the previous verse that the other person needed to come out and see the sun, and yet here, you say the sun isn't out yet or may not be out at all. It's kind of contradicting. I don't want you to mess with the last two last lines, so try to revise the previous verse so that it doesn't mention the sun or it doesn't state that it's out there. I'm sure you can write something better.


Overall, this is great. You need more specific details and clarification in some places. It's really vague. Of course, that isn't always a bad thing. Depends on what you're going for, I suppose. Psychadelic song, man.

CRIT4CRIT, please? It's called Skelter Jams. Thanks.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
Last edited by nerk13 at Mar 18, 2007,