#1
Time, has a toll on me
But you just dont see
What time will do to me
So please, stop to bother
Because you just wount see
What time will do to me
Take the photos
Memorize your favorite moments
And remember everething that life has given
You would like to dont forget to
Love and laugh and play a little will you remember me.....

You have taken a toll on me
You just dont see
What you have done to me
So please stay away from me
Because you just wount see
What you will do to me
Take the photos memorize yout favorite moments
And remember everething that life has given dont forget to
Love and laugh and play a little
Will you remember me....

So please, stay away
Because you just wount see
What you will do to me
Take the photos memorize your favorite moments
And remember everething that life has given dont forget to
Love and laugh and play a little
Will you remember me....


Hey guys i wrote this song with my friend, please dont steel it, But we need help comming up accustic guitar part for it. Please something easy slow melody struming or picking that will repeat through the whole song.
Thanks a lot and comments on the song will be nice..
#8
Time, has a toll on me
Just curious, but what's with the comma right after time? Pause needed there...?
But you just dont see
What time will do to me
This may just be me, but watch how much rhyming you do. Especially with predictable/overused rhyme pairs like see and me. It could drag the song down.
So please, stop to bother
This is kinda left hanging to me, bother what? What do they need to bother to do? It's unclarified and slightly confusing. Careful how you word certain things, like this, they could disrupt the flow and detract attention from what you're trying to convey.
Because you just wount see
You've already said this, and if it's suppose to be like that line, the similar structure a bit too soon for my taste and too similar to really amount to anything, if you know what I mean.
What time will do to me
Take the photos
Memorize your favorite moments
Interesting word choice. (Can you memorize moments, though? Just curious.)
And remember everething that life has given
You would like to, dont forget to
Love and laugh and play a little
I think you need a line break here, like this.
will you remember me.....

You have taken a toll on me
You just dont see
What you have done to me
I love this, man. Very clever.
So please stay away from me
Because you just wount see
What you will do to me
Not too fond of these two lines, just like the first similar set. I'd nix them if I were you.
Take the photos memorize yout favorite moments
And remember everething that life has given dont forget to
Love and laugh and play a little
Will you remember me....

So please, stay away
Because you just wount see
What you will do to me
Take the photos memorize your favorite moments
And remember everething that life has given dont forget to
Love and laugh and play a little
Will you remember me....

Nice ending. A bit repetitive, but it could work with the right music. Overall, this is pretty good. I like how you spin it in the end and tie the two concepts together. The word choice is a bit dull, but again, it depends on what music you have for it. GJ, man.

CRIT4CRIT? It's called Trans-uranium Transcripts, I'd appreciate it. Thanks.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep