#1
Its a 'dear John letter' from the girls point of view,and her boyfriend,husband whatever is at war.Please crit


I get roses,You get guns
I get kisses,You get wounds
Im in heaven,Your in hell
How do you expect we carry on?

I get sunshine,You get rain
I get pleasure,You get pain
I've got someone new by my side
Since you decided to go a million miles

So I wrote in the letter
The reasons why we can't be together
And if you ever do come home
Don't look for me 'cos im not yours,anymore

You've got patients(sp?),And I don't
You say you'll wait,But I won't
Your too young to be fighting a war
Im too young to have my heart torn

So I wrote in the letter
The reasons why we can't be together
And if you ever do come home
Don't look for me 'cos im not yours,anymore
#2
it's patience, btw which war?
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#3
It didn't seem to flow for me. I couldn't figure out what your timing is gonna be like. You'll have 3 lines of the stanza in the same time format, then the next line has to be rushed to fit in the same time frame because it's 2 extra syllables.

That's really my only problem with it, is the way it doesn't seem to flow. I think you should go back over it and put it into a certain timing format. Each stanza can have a different format, as long as they conform.
#5
Quote by eXperiment63
It didn't seem to flow for me. I couldn't figure out what your timing is gonna be like. You'll have 3 lines of the stanza in the same time format, then the next line has to be rushed to fit in the same time frame because it's 2 extra syllables.

That's really my only problem with it, is the way it doesn't seem to flow. I think you should go back over it and put it into a certain timing format. Each stanza can have a different format, as long as they conform.



well i havent put it to music yet,so i dont really know what time its gonna be
#6
That's cool, I was just pointing out what stood out to me. Another thing is that sometimes the rhyming seems a bit forced. The great thing about songs, is they don't have to rhyme. So if you have something in mind, don't change it just to fit a rhyming scheme.
#7
Quote by i_got_novacain
Its a 'dear John letter' from the girls point of view,and her boyfriend,husband whatever is at war.Please crit


I get roses,You get guns
I get kisses,You get wounds
Im in heaven,Your in hell
How do you expect we carry on?
Guns N' Roses, the band where you got the first line from?

I get sunshine,You get rain
I get pleasure,You get pain
I've got someone new by my side
Since you decided to go a million miles
the pleasure and pain together isn't very original, but it works

So I wrote in the letter
The reasons why we can't be together
And if you ever do come home
Don't look for me 'cos im not yours,anymore
I like the rhyme of letter and together

You've got patients(sp?),And I don't
You say you'll wait,But I won't
Your too young to be fighting a war
Im too young to have my heart torn
So I wrote in the letter
the correcy spelling is patience, and this seems a bit forced.

The reasons why we can't be together
And if you ever do come home
Don't look for me 'cos im not yours,anymore

this ending seems forced as well.
when im with you, there's nothing I wouldn't do, i just wanna be you're only one. im gasping out of straws, taken aback by what i saw that night before when we were all alone...