#1
Here's a song/poem I wrote today. Looking for any advice, crit for crit of course.

I live in the subconscious
I dwell in the unreal,
I never imagined all I could feel.
Love life, for I reside in the weird,
In the end we will be revered.

I live in the strange.
One hand clapping in my brain,
What to think, have I gone insane?
The world on axis as a pendulum,
Others just say I’m either dumb or numb.

I live in the bizarre.
The cosmos constantly gyrating,
But for the people I am elating.
Look to the deep purple eye, quite odd.
Love and life lost, so I eat the pod.

I live in the inconceivable.
Look to the future, my only friend,
Time and thought I transcend.
Everyday is as long as a life age,
In a castle beyond time, I consult the sage.

Descend with him under the sea.
Where you can still see the stars,
Though the noble taint still mars.
Through the garden to the other side,
He is the eternal and mystic guide.

Hidden in the land is the enigma,
A veiled secret, kept for ages.
There great book with golden pages.
A secret of Delphi, shrouded and arcane,
In the tome all knowledge is attained.

You must not forsake the vow.
If you delve into the illustrious pages,
You will invoke the wrath of the sage.
End of it all, you sink in quicksand,
But everything you now understand.

Phenomena will forever last,
You must forget the past.
You can no longer return,
Stay if sensation you yearn.
Last edited by Ramblin'_Man at Mar 18, 2007,
#2
your diction is great. i liek the ending, i thought it was fantastic. great work

I live in the inconceivable.
Look to the future, my only friend,
Time and thought I transcend.
Everyday is as long as a life age,
In a castle beyond time, I consult the sage.

that is definetly my favourite line. overall, i wouldnt really change anything. just out of curiosity, how old are you ? this seems like it was written by someon older.
lol, matybe im jus crazy.

darkangel322
The only truly consistent people are dead people.

#3
Thanks a lot it really means a lot to me. I really enjoyed your writing as well. I'm only 16 actually and I just started writing, I've written 6 songs in the past few weeks. Thanks a lot for the kind words.
#4
oh wow. im only 14. lol. nice work, all the same.
The only truly consistent people are dead people.

#5
i really really liked this piece. Although in some parts i think that the rhyming is weird. you rhyme in some parts then you dont. BUT dont get me wrong... this is a reallt great piece and i agree with darkangel322 on the favorite line thing. You have a talent. keep it up dude
Quote by MightyAl
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#6
I like this poem of yours. I wouldn't change a thing about it. I like the transition from self to the world. Your imagery is wonderful. I'm interested to know if you put any personal meaning into it? I usually write in a similar (but very much more "sketchy," for lack of a better word) style when I put meaning into things, using vague allusions and the like. Very good.

Oh yeah. My poem.

It Screamed
Does anyone know the song that goes: ba ba bah, ba ba buh, bu ba bum, ba ba bah, ba bu buh, bu bu bum, bu ba bu bu bum baam?
#7
Wow.........


...Wow. I'm speechless man. That was great. Loved it, and can't think of anything that I'd change (except maybe the fact that I wrote it instead of you ). Good job. You have talent, and I look forward to reading more from you.
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