#1
I wrote this a couple weeks ago. I let it sit for a while and read it again. I like it now. Crit for crit, leave a link.

Edit: The (****) in the 7th line just represents a space that is in the original poem. It wouldn't let me leave a space blank there, it brought the two words together automatically.
----------------------------------------------------------

I thought I saw someone behind a stone pillar
But for all I know someone may’ve
Been there, for all I tried all
Of my effort yielded nothing
Because I could never see the
Other side of the pillar, so I
Left. (***********) Kicking
A pinecone never had such
Effects before. I kicked, it
Screamed. Screamed, “Why
Did you kick me?” I replied
“because its cliché.” It said
“Look behind me.” And for
All I tried, I never could. In
A three dimensional world
Its hard to grasp the third
Dimension when its so hard
To utilize. So, I kicked it again, it
Screamed again, and I continued to walk on.
Does anyone know the song that goes: ba ba bah, ba ba buh, bu ba bum, ba ba bah, ba bu buh, bu bu bum, bu ba bu bu bum baam?
Last edited by Peeno at Mar 19, 2007,
#2
I thought I saw someone behind a stone pillar
But for all I know someone may’ve
Been there, for all I tried all
Of my effort yielded nothing
Because I could never see the
Other side of the pillar, so I
Left. Kicking
I don't like the word "yielded," if it was me, I would change it to "...my effort did yield nothing." I just don't like the word yielded. I don't like the fact that you put the word "pillar" in the same stanza twice. You might want to consider looking for a different word.


A pinecone never had such
Effects before. I kicked, it
Screamed. Screamed, “Why
Did you kick me?” I replied
“because its cliché.” It said
“Look behind me.” And for
All I tried, I never could. In
A three dimensional world
Its hard to grasp the third
Dimension when its so hard
To utilize. So, I kicked it again, it
Screamed again, and I continued to walk on.
I like it. A few small things I don't really like, but it's good.

-----------{------}-----------

All in all it's pretty good. Sure got a cool imagery vibe to it. Keep up the good work.
If you want to crit one of mine, could it please be the "I Really Do" poem?
(in the sig)
Last edited by YourMessiah666 at Mar 18, 2007,
#3
Thanks, I'm glad you like it. I'll look at changing 'yielded.' Its meant to be a vernacular style is the reason some words are repeated and I use less than complicated diction.
Does anyone know the song that goes: ba ba bah, ba ba buh, bu ba bum, ba ba bah, ba bu buh, bu bu bum, bu ba bu bu bum baam?
#4
Quote by Peeno

I thought I saw someone behind a stone pillar
But for all I know someone may’ve
Been there, for all I tried all
Of my effort yielded nothing
Because I could never see the
Other side of the pillar, so I
Left.
this has a very strange atmosphere. i wonder where you gonna go with this. the writing itself was good. you describe the scene very well, you told us what was happening exactly, and the atmosphere in this stanza was great, haunting almost.

Kicking
A pinecone never had such
Effects before. I kicked, it
Screamed. Screamed, “Why
Did you kick me?” I replied
“because its cliché.” It said
“Look behind me.” And for
All I tried, I never could. In
A three dimensional world
Its hard to grasp the third
Dimension when its so hard
To utilize. So, I kicked it again, it
Screamed again, and I continued to walk on.
Is the protagonist on drugs or something? I don't know, I just can't find another meaning. I liked this stanza, there were some clever lines in it. Can't really find much that i didn't like. It was.. weird


first of all, thanks for doing mine.
i liked this piece. it's the sort of writing that makes you think, or at least it made me think. i'll keep an eye out for more of your work in the future.

joris
#5
Quote by Peeno

----------------------------------------------------------

I thought I saw someone behind a stone pillar
But for all I know someone may’ve
Been there, for all I tried all
Of my effort yielded nothing
Because I could never see the
Other side of the pillar, so I Very good set up, a strange setting but compelling
Left. (***********) Kicking
A pinecone never had such
Effects before. I kicked, it
Screamed. Screamed, “Why
Did you kick me?” I replied
“because its cliché.” It said
“Look behind me.” And for This is different than anything I have read before, I
All I tried, I never could. In like it. But it is hard to understand what your really
A three dimensional world trying to say
Its hard to grasp the third
Dimension when its so hard
To utilize. So, I kicked it again, it
Screamed again, and I continued to walk on.


This is good keep up the writing
#6
Thanks for the reviews and criticisms. I'll leave the meaning up to you, whatever you want. Unless you really want to hear what meaning I intended, but I fear that may cheapen it.
Does anyone know the song that goes: ba ba bah, ba ba buh, bu ba bum, ba ba bah, ba bu buh, bu bu bum, bu ba bu bu bum baam?
#7
Hmm, I'm not fond of the repetition of the word "pillar" in that first part, I feel like you could eliminate the second one all together and just say "...the other side, so..." Also, the transition is odd between the gap. Either I'm more sleep deprived than I thought, or there was little or no (apparent) connection between the two stanzas.

Left. (***********) Kicking
A pinecone never had such
Effects before. I kicked, it
Screamed. Screamed, “Why
Did you kick me?” I replied

Don't use "effects," try maybe "repercussions" or "consequences." And I know that there was a deliberate usage of repetition with "screamed," but I'd personally find a synonym for the second one.

Other than that, really nice piece, I really enjoyed it, and I loved the ending.