#1
I read that front-page article astounded,
‘Smoking banned in local bars’
I skipped from 1a to 4c being preached to
By an ex smoking graduate degree.
‘Second-hand smoke is a leading killer
In the great states of the united America.’
From my dirt-side shanty I wrote
My views on monoxide and nicotine.
I told him that I once ate a bowl
Of peanuts with germs from herpe hands.
I drank poison until I fell asleep
With a girl I met just that night.
That I was the reason for dumpster babies
And single mothers on welfare.
I wrote about those long drives home
Where I fought smiles until I laughed louder
Than I did on the first grade playground.
I told him about how I could still see her
From the corner of my eye but
I hated looking because she’s gone
Whenever I want to see that face more clearly.
And whether I mix black lungs with cyanide cough
I’m still with her by the end of the night.
I'm putting up my "enter at your own risk" sign
with an arrow at a cigarette,
But I really don't think
that's the largest of our problems.
Last edited by TrigFunction at Mar 19, 2007,
#4
Double sign at the end I despise.

The first line i think needs a comma before astounded. I don't feel the playground memory is relevant or neccasary. This-

I told him about how I could still see her
From the corner of my eye but
I hated looking because she’s gone
Whenever I want to see that face more clearly.


I felt was great but awkward and rushed, just for me took to many lines.

Looking down the column of first words, minus the quote, I think you could spice up your vocab a bit, to add some more excitment to this. "met just that night" sounded awkward imo.

Good stuff Mike. Much more solid than your last. I like
#5
Quote by TrigFunction
I read that front-page article astounded,
‘Smoking banned in local bars’
I skipped from 1a to 4c being preached to
By an ex smoking graduate degree.

sounds awkward. I think you need to make it ex-smoking...

‘Second-hand smoke is a leading killer
In the great states of the united America.’

I don't like "united America." I think I see what you are going for, switching states and America, but it doesn't sound good.

From my dirt-side shanty I wrote
My views on monoxide and nicotine.
I told him that I once ate a bowl
Of peanuts with germs from herpe hands.

herpe hands?

I drank poison until I fell asleep
With a girl I met just that night.
That I was the reason for dumpster babies
And single mothers on welfare.
I wrote about those long drives home
Where I fought smiles until I laughed louder
Than I did on the first grade playground.
I told him about how I could still see her
From the corner of my eye but
I hated looking because she’s gone
Whenever I want to see that face more clearly.
And whether I mix black lungs with cyanide cough
I’m still with her by the end of the night.
I'm putting up my enter at your own risk sign

I think it would be enter-at-your-own-risk, or "enter at your own risk" sign.

with an arrow at the cigarette,
But I really don't think
that's the largest of our problems.


I liked this, but I think you used the word "I" far too much.

Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
#7
not bad, very poetic but still down to earth,flowed very nicely, and is very deep, keep it up

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