#1
For two people this will make sense, for the rest of you if it doesn't I can't tell you. I want to begin with two quotes.

Live as long as you can, and die when you can't help it. - Me

The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeing new sights but in having new eyes. - Proust

This is my last piece I shall post for a while. And I love everyone who has ever commented or helped me.


He scribed my name, yet never knew me.

Wake! Likened eyes.
Recite the sum, ner of limelight,
leaking between boughs of buds,
blindsides of blurs
and nights of enlightenment.
Senses lean,
brash and unfocused upon a starling morn.
‘I swear then, I saw the rooftops measure time’,
from behind smokestacks journeyed a lulling sun --
a rotation erred,
it bore the monogram of scorn upon
a lessened eye,
insight -
I shouldn’t have taken flight
to graze a sunken cobblestone
with the right of a fool
so clumsy as to walk with spineless form
against so many, blessed,
to maintain a steady climb.
From behind sunken hats levied a
glazing pale;
a rotation erred,
and palled a monogram
upon an intrinsic cairn.
In hindsight,
I should have taken leave
at my own lifeless wake,
just one
second
later...

...cause a second is all it takes.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#2
what can i say.. i'm not even gonna try to get the meaning from this, 'cause i can never get the meaning from your pieces
i loved the writing. the flow was great, your vocabulary is amazing as always.
i don't know what to say

i know that wasn't much of a crit, so i don't expect a crit back, but here's the link if you want

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=548076
#3
beautiful

even if the real, intended meaning is known only to a few, this piece kind of has its own meaning to me and touches me right now

danke, my friend
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#5
I'd praise it, but I get the feeling that's not what you want.

Is this piece almost about why you're taking a break from UG/writing? It seems like you're freaked out by the praise or whatever. Like you feel you're not worthy. Or like it doesn't mean anything.

I don't know, that's my best shot. "Spineless form" would be about your freeform writing, not having shape.
#6
I feel as though my perception is, once again, off the mark. So I cannot fault nor praise this no more than to tell you it intrigues me.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#7
Thanks everyone, all of you.

This is my most straight forward piece ever.

James you're not right about the praise but yes, it is to do with my sudden hiatus.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#8
I liked your usage of words. It was beautiful. Btw, what is it about? I've read it a good 3 times, and I'm drawing a blank. If you have time, crit mine: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=548313
-Fender '52 Reissue Tele
-1964 Kimberly electric
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-Takamine acoustic
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-SuperCrybaby
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Quote by powerhalf
Please forgive what maybe a noob question, but: What is an "FU"?
#10
people only crit you cause they are afraid of you but if u crit me then i will crit you. yeah i know... im a n00b
Quote by MightyAl
Incest, the game the whole family can play. Now for ages 3+
#11
this is very sentimental and deep, and well poetic, like everybody else i didnt know where u were coming from but i found myself puting a whole different meaning behind it and in a good way


CRIT MINE PLEASE https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=544276
My Music
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#12
Steve, I am fairly certain I have this one, especially with the quotes as well.

I really did take a lot from this one- it's one of those sort of pieces that can open your eyes and make you change your ways.

If you're looking for intepretations I'll repost here or in PM, just let me know, but I hope you can re-find the motivation that helped you bring this forum into better times.

Best of luck Stevey
#13
I think I get it, but I'm probably wrong. Actually, I hope I'm wrong, because my interpretation is pretty depressing .

Anyway, if I don't see you for a while, I just thought I'd let you know that you're my favorite English person ever. You're even above Emma Watson (though being under Emma Watson isn't all that bad of a place to be, either ). And, yeah, I had to tell you that just to set up a dirty Emma Watson joke.

Good luck in eveything, buddy.
-Landon
#15
Sadly im not one of those two people that would understand.

Beautiful writing.
Originally posted by Knife2aGunFight
We're all different, we have different tastes. People hate people that are different, these people are racist. Racist against the scene. Scensist.....Sceneracist,........ Rascenesist.
#16
I'm getting two interpretations, but they're equally despondent. I hope this isn't about you personally... I also hope it isn't about anyone you know. From your introductory paragraph I'm assuming it is though.

I have no qualms with the piece. We both know the ending is rather cliche, but it fits well and it seems intentionally so.

I'm always free to talk if you need anything. I'll try not to pry any further. Good luck. I know I don't comment often on your poems, but that's because I feel you're a better writer than I; I always read them. I'll be awaiting your grand return to form.

hollaa
#17
ooohhh...that will teach me to skim like that. It's obvious you're going through some heavy stuff right now, love. If you want a 35 year old woman's perspective, please PM me. I've been around the block a time or two and I know tough situations. Believe me...I do.

And sometimes...it's better to tell someone who you will never, ever meet.
Last edited by Mistress Alia at Mar 20, 2007,
#18
I really enjoyed this. It's much simpler than most of your stuff I've read, which isn't saying much, but I really prefer when I don't have to look up every other word...

I'm sorry for not having any constructive criticism, but I couldn't find anything wrong with this. Also, I have no idea what this is about, I'm a bit bad at deciphering pieces, but I'm sorry for anything you are going through. I hope that you get everything sorted out.

Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
#19
Beautiful! I love the imagery and language/word usage, very nice.

The only thing I could find wrong with it was how well it flowed in some areas. At some points, it felt a bit choppy, if you know what I mean, while other parts were smooth for the most part. This is just personal preference, but, in those lines, some assonance or internal rhyme may be handy. You certainly already have some in there, I think that maybe a few parts need it as well.

Here, I bolded the choppy places, if it helps any.


Wake! Likened eyes.
Recite the sum, ner of limelight,
leaking between boughs of buds,
blindsides of blurs
and nights of enlightenment.
Senses lean,
brash and unfocused upon a starling morn.
‘I swear then, I saw the rooftops measure time’,
from behind smokestacks journeyed a lulling sun --
a rotation erred,
it bore the monogram of scorn upon
a lessened eye,
insight -
I shouldn’t have taken flight
to graze a sunken cobblestone
with the right of a fool
so clumsy as to walk with spineless form
against so many, blessed,
to maintain a steady climb.
From behind sunken hats levied a
glazing pale;
a rotation erred,
and palled a monogram
upon an intrinsic cairn.
In hindsight,
I should have taken leave
at my own lifeless wake,
just one
second
later...

...cause a second is all it takes.

Well, as you can see, it isn't many places. You're amazing, it was hard to nitpick things, man. Other than that, I don't really see anything else. Sorry, I wasn't too much help. I'll look at anything else you have if you'd like me too, this isn't much compared to what you gave me.

But yeah, great job. I'd kill for your writing abilities, 'tis very impressive.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#20
For two people this will make sense, for the rest of you if it doesn't I can't tell you. I want to begin with two quotes.

Live as long as you can, and die when you can't help it. - Me

The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeing new sights but in having new eyes. - Proust

This is my last piece I shall post for a while. And I love everyone who has ever commented or helped me.


He scribed my name, yet never knew me.

Wake! Likened eyes.
Recite the sum, ner of limelight,
leaking between boughs of buds,
blindsides of blurs
and nights of enlightenment.
Senses lean,
brash and unfocused upon a starling morn.
‘I swear then, I saw the rooftops measure time’,
from behind smokestacks journeyed a lulling sun --
a rotation erred,
it bore the monogram of scorn upon
a lessened eye,
insight -
I shouldn’t have taken flight
to graze a sunken cobblestone
with the right of a fool
so clumsy as to walk with spineless form
against so many, blessed,
to maintain a steady climb.
From behind sunken hats levied a
glazing pale;
a rotation erred,
and palled a monogram
upon an intrinsic cairn.
In hindsight,
I should have taken leave
at my own lifeless wake,
just one
second
later...

...cause a second is all it takes.


I read this over earlier, trying to get a meaning from it and I did. I read it again now and get an entirely different picture. Though some diction conveys a cowardly, timid narrator, the poem as a whole leaves an air of mystery and ultimacy. You descriptions are great and convoke charismatic mental images. I truely enjoyed reading this.

I really don't like to tell people what to change in their poetry, or how I would change it had I written it, because I didn't write it. Writing is about personal expression, so for someone else to change it pretty much defies its original purpose. It is another thing to help budding writers improve. Obviously, as shown here and in other works, you are pretty well established as a writer. A definite style, words strung together with meaning and purpose lace your works.

I wish I could help you improve, but I wouldn't change a thing. You'd have to look to a critic far more talented than me to tell you how and where to improve. Very good work.
Does anyone know the song that goes: ba ba bah, ba ba buh, bu ba bum, ba ba bah, ba bu buh, bu bu bum, bu ba bu bu bum baam?
#21
haha um I feel pretty inadequate in attempting to crit this (though I'm sure you've been hearing a lot of that...). Not only is it extremely well written, but it obviously also holds some very important meaning that is not necessarily easy to derive, depending on the reader. While I can infer some vague interpretations of my own and I can gather themes, there are still missing pieces to the whole meaning. The diction and flow was great and there were some really genius parts. haha I'm sorry but this crit's just another pat on the back.