#1
title sucks again... sorry.
not sure about the structure of this.... let me know.


Car Like A Casket

"Have you ever wondered why walls can't get any privacy?"
"No. Have you ever thought to ask?"
"If we're lucky we might crash,
because then we won't need to know."


Your coffee stained attire
leads to a formalistic sentiment
like hasn't been seen since
the Spanish had some "influence".
And your faith in me is so tall
that you could crush it with two fingers,
blowing kisses into arteries
until I'm gushing like a fountain.

"Don't worry,
I've asked them to draw a happy face on your body bag,
because I know you'll be smiling inside."


So now I'm making a trip
down this death valley road
that seems like no more than a run
in mother nature's pantyhose.
I think I have an audience
twenty-three eyes on the dashboard
maybe I'll show them my two-step
since they keep calling for an encore.

"I bet if I signed my name with a dollar sign,
then I'd mean so much more to you"
"And to think, there were promises of atrophy."
#2
by the way how is this song played? is it a rock song?
and what are those italicized words?
Come on, man.
#3
i wouldnt really consider this a song, even though it has the flow of one i guess.

and the italicized parts are just dialogue that are meant to kind of tie the two main stanzas together.

thanks.
#4
oh alright, but for me the italicized words are better if they are included in the lyrics in the song and sing it like ure whispering it (so u dont actually sing it) heheheh


peace
Come on, man.
#5
I quite like this, and the dialog is, in my opinion, the best part of the piece.

I also liked these lines

Your coffee stained attire
leads to a formalistic sentiment


I think I have an audience
twenty-three eyes on the dashboard
maybe I'll show them my two-step
since they keep calling for an encore.


I don't fully understand the meaning behind this part, but I would like to know the story behind these lines

blowing kisses into arteries
until I'm gushing like a fountain.


And perhaps these could be improved as they sound a little forced

So now I'm making a trip
down this death valley road
that seems like no more than a run
in mother nature's pantyhose.


All in all a nice piece and once again, Kudos for the dialog in between stanzas, it's something I haven't seen done all that often, if at all, I can't remember
#6
Quote by DIv15iON

I don't fully understand the meaning behind this part, but I would like to know the story behind these lines

blowing kisses into arteries
until I'm gushing like a fountain.




ummm i'm not sure what gave me the initial idea for these lines... but what i was picturing is kind of like when you blow into your drink with a straw... how it bubbles up and everything... hope that helps.

and thanks for the comments... much appreciated.