#1
All feedback and comments are greatly appreciated. This is the first draft of this piece which I hope to put to music.

Enjoy!

If I Owned a Tank

It’s almost midnight
Am up in the twilight
Zone, by myself
But not alone, am with the witches
Werewolves and the vamps
Sleeping with the fishes
The homeless and the tramps
But I wouldn’t give as much as a flying fish
If I owned a fricking tank

The fancy cars all look the same when their going up in flames
The rapists and the paedo’s print me out a list of all their names
Cause if I owned a ****ing tank
Every last one of them I’d maim


It’s a shame…..when

Walking the streets is a thing of the past
Love is a synonym of shag
Overwhelmed by technology and gadgetary
Just to stand seems such a drag

If and when I own a tank
I won’t need to have it taxed
With a simple full throttle gear change
A button press and (*bang*)

The fancy cars all look the same when their going up in flames
The rapists and the paedo’s print me out a list of all their names
Cause if I owned a ****ing tank
Every last one of them I’d maim


It’s a shame…..when

Vanity is our weapon of choice and our only target
Today is just a groundhog of yesterday’s diary
Only now were drunk
To forget it ever happened and help us lose our self belief
But we try to believe it was just our sweet release

If and when I own a tank
I’ll blow this place to kingdom come
And I’ll make sure we leave with a big (*bang*)
#2
i really like it. i can sence your anger at modern society. and damn yes i agree with the
The fancy cars all look the same when their going up in flames
The rapists and the paedo’s print me out a list of all their names
Cause if I owned a ****ing tank
Every last one of them I’d maim


Until
Vanity is our weapon of choice and our only target
Today is just a groundhog of yesterday’s diary
Only now were drunk
To forget it ever happened and help us lose our self belief
But we try to believe it was just our sweet release


i think it flowed really well. how about this:

Vanity is our weapon of choice
The enemy which we love
Fake beauty and personal lust
support us day by day

So we drink the lies and other's hopes to forget our self belief
But we try to believe it was just our sweet release and take another sip


if you like, use it. If not - youre call
#3
Quote by slann101
i really like it. i can sence your anger at modern society. and damn yes i agree with the
The fancy cars all look the same when their going up in flames
The rapists and the paedo’s print me out a list of all their names
Cause if I owned a ****ing tank
Every last one of them I’d maim


Until
Vanity is our weapon of choice and our only target
Today is just a groundhog of yesterday’s diary
Only now were drunk
To forget it ever happened and help us lose our self belief
But we try to believe it was just our sweet release


i think it flowed really well. how about this:

Vanity is our weapon of choice
The enemy which we love
Fake beauty and personal lust
support us day by day

So we drink the lies and other's hopes to forget our self belief
But we try to believe it was just our sweet release and take another sip


if you like, use it. If not - youre call


Thanks for the constructive feedback!
Much appreciated.

I'll bear your thoughts in mind when re-writing.
#5
Very good. I like it, it flows very well, and is put together very well. The only thing that stuck out as odd to me was the "flying fish" in the 8th line. It doesn't seem to fit with the rest. Using a more mundane, worthless object would make more sense. Other than that, very good. Can't wait to read more by you!
Does anyone know the song that goes: ba ba bah, ba ba buh, bu ba bum, ba ba bah, ba bu buh, bu bu bum, bu ba bu bu bum baam?
#6
Quote by Peeno
Very good. I like it, it flows very well, and is put together very well. The only thing that stuck out as odd to me was the "flying fish" in the 8th line. It doesn't seem to fit with the rest. Using a more mundane, worthless object would make more sense. Other than that, very good. Can't wait to read more by you!


Glad you liked it. Appreciate your feedback.

With regards to the flying fish line it's something I actually say when I feel the urge to swear on a daily basis and I figured it fitted plus the way in which I sing it, it sounds quite gritty and less odd than you might think.

Hopefully I can get it down on audio soon.
#7
Quote by highly strung
Glad you liked it. Appreciate your feedback.

With regards to the flying fish line it's something I actually say when I feel the urge to swear on a daily basis and I figured it fitted plus the way in which I sing it, it sounds quite gritty and less odd than you might think.

Hopefully I can get it down on audio soon.

Ah, in that case, go with it. Audio would be very nice, I'm interested to hear it.
Does anyone know the song that goes: ba ba bah, ba ba buh, bu ba bum, ba ba bah, ba bu buh, bu bu bum, bu ba bu bu bum baam?
#9
Quote by Master12
Good stuff! i like the metaphor.. Its a bit humurous but with a serious message..

Crit my stuff if you can

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=548541&highlight=eye+contact


That was my aim - a serious message with a hint of humour. Its nice when someone gets that feeling by simply reading the lyrics.

Thanks alot for the feedback.

Checking yours now