#1
POP; POP; POP; POP; pop
explosions in the sky

Far away
in a place that reminded me of home
I sat next to an old man
with long white hair
and a long white beard,
a faded black collared robe
and the scent of weed.
He said to me,
"Love this world for it is beautiful;
Don't kill; Don't hate; Don't eat meat."
Somebody behind me blew bubbles.
I grimaced as the beautiful flock
popped one by one, hitting heads,
shoulders, knees, and toes,
spiraling into blades of grass
and burnt out blunts;
except one rose above the rest
and so it blows and floats like a cloud,
until the old man beside me
lifts his arm and pops it,
coughing out laughter.
If it could rain in this tent,
I would surely be wet.

I believe I am in somewhat of a writer's block.
Last edited by SilenceEvolves at Mar 20, 2007,
#2
Quote by SilenceEvolves
POP; POP; POP; POP; pop
explosions in the sky

Far away
in a place that reminded me of home
I sat next to an old man
with long white hair
and a long white beard,
i like this repetition here, it adds to the picture. nice start, nothing special, but it's ok. maybe 'far away' was a bit cliché though.
a faded black collared robe
and the scent of weed.
He said to me,
"Love this world for it is beautiful;
Don't kill; Don't hate; Don't eat meat."
at first, the weed line kinda ruined it for me. but then i read on, and i saw what the old man said, and then the weed thing seemed to add to the whole hippie image you're trying to describe. i like what he says, especially the meat part. veggies ftw.
Somebody behind me blew bubbles.
I grimaced as the beautiful flock
popped one by one, hitting heads,
shoulders, knees, and toes,
spiraling into blades of grass
and burnt out blunts;
i've never seen anyone describe such a simple thing in such a beautiful way. seriously.
except one rose above the rest
and so it blows and floats like a cloud,
until the old man beside me
lifts his arm and pops hit
coughing out laughter.
If it could rain in this tent,
I would surely be wet.
this isn't much of a crit. your writing is so beautiful. i'm sorry


I believe I am in somewhat of a writer's block.
And still, you wrote a beautiful piece.


i know that i didn't crit much. sorry, i just got back from university, i'm tired, and i didn't want to go nitpicking. it's beautiful. i haven't read much of your recent work though, so i don't know if it's up to your standards.

can you get to mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=548076

joris
#3
"lifts his arm and pops hit"

that should be "pops it" right?
and I think the ending was a bit weak, but it may have just gone right over my head...
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
Last edited by Alk 3 addict at Mar 20, 2007,
#5
I found it sort of a playful realization. I like it, but it's not quite you, or maybe it is. I don't know.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#6
i loved it.
basically the last two lines were so blatantly/obviously brilliant, it was perfect.
i think the use of blunt was a little straight forward and didn't work so well, but idk it was still nice.
9/10
#7
I was listening to Death Cab the other night, and it finally hit me: you're just a weirder Ben Gibbard. Not that there's anything wrong with that, I've just been trying to figure out this offbeat storytelling of yours for a while, and I just got it.
-Landon
#8
POP; POP; POP; POP; pop
explosions in the sky

Right... I've had to re-write this twice because my internet keeps crashing, this better work...

Far away
in a place that reminded me of home
I sat next to an old man
with long white hair
and a long white beard,
a faded black collared robe < this line doesn't seem to fit in, I'm not sure why but I think it may be because it doesn't fit in with the simplicity used before.
and the scent of weed.
He said to me,
"Love this world for it is beautiful;
Don't kill; Don't hate; Don't eat meat."
Somebody behind me blew bubbles.
I grimaced as the beautiful flock
popped one by one, hitting heads,
shoulders, knees, and toes,
I love the use of a nursery rhyme here, it works really well and provides great imagery.
spiraling into blades of grass
and burnt out blunts;

except one rose above the rest
and so it blows and floats like a cloud,
These two lines are a bit cliché, which is annoying because the rest of the song uses some really original symbolism, I'm not a fan of these lines.

until the old man beside me
lifts his arm and pops it,
coughing out laughter.
If it could rain in this tent,
I would surely be wet.
these lines are amazing; they finish the song off perfectly and they are very thought provoking! Other than the lines that I've mentioned, this song is great!

Crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=549166
"They credited us with the birth of that sort of heavy metal thing. Well, if that's the case, there should be an immediate abortion." - Ginger Baker

Quote by alexlemon2
I've been here long enough, and nobody knows who teh fudge I am


I cry at night
#9
I'm gonna split this into sections to crit it.

Far away
in a place that reminded me of home
I sat next to an old man
with long white hair
and a long white beard,
a faded black collared robe
and the scent of weed.

Nice description, though I would have made him look more like a hippy, with tye-dye and stuff instead of a robe, but that's just me .

He said to me,
"Love this world for it is beautiful;
Don't kill; Don't hate; Don't eat meat."

I didn't like the "Don't eat meat" on the end of the line, I think there should be something else there, something stronger.

Somebody behind me blew bubbles.
I grimaced as the beautiful flock
popped one by one, hitting heads,
shoulders, knees, and toes,
spiraling into blades of grass
and burnt out blunts;

I loved this section, the bubbles thing is pretty effective, I really do love it.

except one rose above the rest
and so it blows and floats like a cloud,
until the old man beside me
lifts his arm and pops it,
coughing out laughter.
If it could rain in this tent,
I would surely be wet.

I don't really understand the last two lines, I think they should be taken off, replaced, or re-written. Also I think the "Floats like a cloud" should be changed to something stronger.

Overall this was good, the section that I pointed out that I loved bumps it up quite a few notches though. I hope you get over your writers block as soon as possible. If you could leave a comment on my lates "Shred of Thought" it would be greatly appreciated.
#10
POP; POP; POP; POP; pop
explosions in the sky

Far away
in a place that reminded me of home
I sat next to an old man
I think you need a comma somewhere here. TBH I don't like the line breaks here.
with long white hair
and a long white beard,
for me the reptition holds no effect. There's nothing that grabs the reader into this piece so far, it's lacking in impact and I feel that's unlike the usual you.
a faded black collared robe
and the scent of weed.
Don't like the cloe proximity of the two "and"s. I thin you're dying for a word before scent here, like faint or delicate or something. I'm not sure that this image of a weed-smoking wizard in a black robe is great or not- personally, I don't thin you have any words here which signifying any underlying meaning. Sure it may come later but I feel you need to link it up throughout the piece. There's nothing to grasp onto for meaning so far, imo.
He said to me,
"Love this world for it is beautiful;
Don't kill; Don't hate; Don't eat meat."
"don't eat meat" feels to subjective. First 2 are a given, but the third I feel isn't a big issue to loving and looking after the world- it's too specific a personal choice, if you see what I mean. The same sort of level as exercising or riding a bike, and you wouldn't put them in this quote would you? "said" was bleh for you.
Somebody behind me blew bubbles.
This needs a new stanza, I feel.Also I feel no link up to the earlier image- it needs some sort of concrete idea throughout.
I grimaced as the beautiful flock
Better with the flock and priest image of ealier.
popped one by one, hitting heads,
shoulders, knees, and toes,
Eh. Really unnecesary imo.
spiraling into blades of grass
and burnt out blunts;
Blunts? blunt what? I can't remember seeing that used as a noun?
except one rose above the rest
and so it blows and floats like a cloud,
until the old man beside me
lifts his arm and pops it,
I feel you're tenses kind of flitter between past and present here. "lifts" bugged me, you have pooped, grimaced, blew and I just think somethings not quite right here.
coughing out laughter.
If it could rain in this tent,
I would surely be wet.

I'd agree you're in a bit of a block- this was nowehre near as sharp, clever or stricking as anything else I've seen you write. Really imo left a lot to be desired from you.


I'd really love a critique on my latest, I'm experimenting and would love to here your views. It's in my sig if you could take a look. Many thanks Corey
#11
While I don't believe this lives up to some older stuff I've read by you, I can still say it's decent. I liked the flow and the sound as it's read. I think it's a really great idea for a poem. It's interesting how the man changes, being quite the pacifist and preaching about love and beauty, but then he pops a bubble. It's a really great concept to write about. For criticism, I think that the transition between the man and the person blowing bubbles is a little abrupt, not that I can think of a way to fix this, it might be just one of those quirks that has to be. Also, the last two lines could be really great, but it's just like out of nowhere in this piece, there's never any mention of a tent or anything that I can vaguely relate to it for meaning. Other than that, I really liked this piece.

If you have time to drop a line on mine in my sig that'd be supurb.