#1
Heres a song I wrote after babysitting my little brother that is like 5. I was stunned, amazed, and frightened by the mentallity of a child, and how easily influenced they are. If you can critique it, it would be great. I'll crit anything you want, just leave a link.

Chorus:

The innocence of a child,
Should never be taken away.
Staying sweet and mild,
There's always time to play.

Verses:

Children grow up so fast,
Nothing good can ever last.
Sheltered from the horrors of life,
and the bloody things done with a knife.

Children are joyful and free,
Taking in everything they see.
So guard them, guard them,
Like a precious gem.

Children are caring and kind,
And have a constant peace of mind.
They are never oppressed,
Their homes remain their nest.

Children will even trust a stranger,
Only have fights over who's Red Ranger.
What a time, what a time,
When alot of money was a dime.

I wish i was innocent,
Like a child.
Oh so free,
Oh so mild.
I wish
-Fender '52 Reissue Tele
-1964 Kimberly electric
-Jay Turser Jazzbox
-Takamine acoustic
-Dano Hodad
-SuperCrybaby
-Dano Coolcat Chorus
-Big Muff
-Fender Hot Rod Deluxe
Quote by powerhalf
Please forgive what maybe a noob question, but: What is an "FU"?
Last edited by mastercad at Mar 19, 2007,
#3
Thanks for the feedback. I'll go comment yours.
-Fender '52 Reissue Tele
-1964 Kimberly electric
-Jay Turser Jazzbox
-Takamine acoustic
-Dano Hodad
-SuperCrybaby
-Dano Coolcat Chorus
-Big Muff
-Fender Hot Rod Deluxe
Quote by powerhalf
Please forgive what maybe a noob question, but: What is an "FU"?
#4
"Children are caring and kind,
And got a constant peace of mind.
They are never oppressed,
Their lives are a fun fest."


I'd change "And got a constant peace of mind" to "And have a constant peace of mind." Aside from that, great piece. That's the only thing that I can find particularly wrong with it.
Got Death Magnetic a day early!

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Winner of the "Biggest Led Zeppelin Fuck" award in the CR forum (2 years running!)
#6
Quote by SolsApprentice
good song, seems like it would be a little too layed back fo rme though, pretty basic rythem maybe wanna change it up a bit?


plz crit mine: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=547942



I've already comment that song of yours, got anymore?
-Fender '52 Reissue Tele
-1964 Kimberly electric
-Jay Turser Jazzbox
-Takamine acoustic
-Dano Hodad
-SuperCrybaby
-Dano Coolcat Chorus
-Big Muff
-Fender Hot Rod Deluxe
Quote by powerhalf
Please forgive what maybe a noob question, but: What is an "FU"?
#7
Quote by mastercad
Heres a song I wrote after babysitting my little brother that is like 5. I was stunned, amazed, and frightened by the mentallity of a child, and how easily influenced they are. If you can critique it, it would be great. I'll crit anything you want, just leave a link.

Chorus:

The innocence of a child,
Should never be taken away.
Staying sweet and mild,
There's always time to play.I like the rhyme scheme here and i also weirdly get the image of a little kid jumping around on a yoga ball

Verses:

Children grow up so fast,
Nothing good can ever last.good rhyme and you preach the truth
Sheltered from the horrors of life,
and the bloody things done with a knife.this line confused me at first but i read it over and decided i liked it

Children are joyful and free,
Taking in everything that they see.
So guard them, guard them,
Like a precious gem.i love the comparison with the child and the gem. "guard them, guard them" very well written and figurative

Children are caring and kind,
And got a constant peace of mind.
They are never oppressed,
Their lives are a fun fest.i like all the line except the last one. i feel that fun fest is a forced rhyme and it makes that verse sound a little bit choppy

Children will even trust a stranger,
Only have fights over who's the Red Ranger.
What a time, what a time,
When alot of money was a dime.great line but i dont think red rnager fits... is there anything better you could possible fill it with?

I wish i was innocent,
Like a child.
Oh so free,
Oh so mild.
I wish love these last lines except the "i wish" i dont think that really fits

great work dude. I really like this and it has potential. keep it up
Quote by MightyAl
Incest, the game the whole family can play. Now for ages 3+
#8
Thanks for the crit man.
-Fender '52 Reissue Tele
-1964 Kimberly electric
-Jay Turser Jazzbox
-Takamine acoustic
-Dano Hodad
-SuperCrybaby
-Dano Coolcat Chorus
-Big Muff
-Fender Hot Rod Deluxe
Quote by powerhalf
Please forgive what maybe a noob question, but: What is an "FU"?
#9
oh i forgot to add in my crit... when i say that i wish doesnt fit.... i think it would be perfect as a whisper at the end of the song... ya know what im sayin?
Quote by MightyAl
Incest, the game the whole family can play. Now for ages 3+
#10
Good lyrics.. i kinda get the meaning, however doesnt the chorus sound a bit pedo-ish? lol, im not slagging it off.. but maybe a bit more metaphor could be used for the chorus?

I have OCD.. so it might just be a random thought lol... dont worry about it if you disagree with me.
#11
I have OCD too. lol. Thanks for the crit.
-Fender '52 Reissue Tele
-1964 Kimberly electric
-Jay Turser Jazzbox
-Takamine acoustic
-Dano Hodad
-SuperCrybaby
-Dano Coolcat Chorus
-Big Muff
-Fender Hot Rod Deluxe
Quote by powerhalf
Please forgive what maybe a noob question, but: What is an "FU"?
#12
Chorus:

The innocence of a child,
Should never be taken away.
Staying sweet and mild,
There's always time to play.

hmmm... a little playgroundish, but cool so far

Verses:

Children grow up so fast,
Nothing good can ever last.
Sheltered from the horrors of life,
and the bloody things done with a knife.

ok, blood and knife are UBER cliche! make some vocab switches

Children are joyful and free,
Taking in everything that they see.
So guard them, guard them,
Like a precious gem.

hmmm... switch up the rhyme scheme maybe

Children are caring and kind,
And got a constant peace of mind.
They are never oppressed,
Their lives are a fun fest.

change "got" to "have", grammatically correct and sounds better... switch a word in for "fun", preferrably a 3 syllable word to match the flow of the earlier line

Children will even trust a stranger,
Only have fights over who's the Red Ranger.
What a time, what a time,
When alot of money was a dime.

change "who's the Red Ranger" to just "who's Red Ranger", fits the flow better... and sidenote: i don't ever remember a dime being a lot of money, i only remember it was just enough weed... sometimes... lol

I wish i was innocent,
Like a child.
Oh so free,
Oh so mild.
I wish

hmmm... it seems to end kinda abruptly... the rhyme scheme needs to be switched up a lot from the constant AABB pattern, also switch up some vocab., avoid the cliche words and phrases, and then you will have yourself a song! good luck man!
#13
Chorus:

The innocence of a child,
Should never be taken away.
Staying sweet and mild,
There's always time to play.I like the chorus alot keepin it simple

Verses:

Children grow up so fast,
Nothing good can ever last.
Sheltered from the horrors of life,
and the bloody things done with a knife.good but when i read it a couple a times it seemed like the last line didnt flow

Children are joyful and free,
Taking in everything that they see.
So guard them, guard them,
Like a precious gem.i woudl take out "that" in the second line

Children are caring and kind,
And got a constant peace of mind.
They are never oppressed,
Their homes remain their nest.i really like this verse

Children will even trust a stranger,
Only have fights over who's the Red Ranger.
What a time, what a time,
When alot of money was a dime.haha nice power rangers reference

I wish i was innocent,
Like a child.
Oh so free,
Oh so mild.
I wish
overall i liked this alot pretty simple nice work please crit the first one in my sig thanksss
ED REED BABY
#14
Thanks.
-Fender '52 Reissue Tele
-1964 Kimberly electric
-Jay Turser Jazzbox
-Takamine acoustic
-Dano Hodad
-SuperCrybaby
-Dano Coolcat Chorus
-Big Muff
-Fender Hot Rod Deluxe
Quote by powerhalf
Please forgive what maybe a noob question, but: What is an "FU"?
#15
Anyone else?
-Fender '52 Reissue Tele
-1964 Kimberly electric
-Jay Turser Jazzbox
-Takamine acoustic
-Dano Hodad
-SuperCrybaby
-Dano Coolcat Chorus
-Big Muff
-Fender Hot Rod Deluxe
Quote by powerhalf
Please forgive what maybe a noob question, but: What is an "FU"?