#1
So... getting over writer's block. This isn't the deepest piece ever written... trying actually rhyming for once in a long long time. C4C.



Set By Silver Light.

We sing from the shadows to forlorn ears
that dangle from windows left half ajar
and bask in the glow from the fires great breath
as it cascades off of a third story ledge.

Not for attention are these acts done
for it is night, and you are the sun.
But we will hang the puppeteer's cross
fronting envious eyes
watching for a sign-
and each moment is a loss.



...she looks out her window,
I can't help but smile.


and I regress.
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
Last edited by Alk 3 addict at Mar 20, 2007,
#2
I liked this,

Not for attention are these acts done
for it is night, and you are the sun.
But we will dangle the puppeteer's cross


I especially loved these three lines, I don't really know why, but I liked 'em. The only problem I have with it is the last line, it doesn't really seem necasary. Overall I enjoyed reading this.

Edit: this is just an idea, you might be able to add something after the second line in the stanza I pointed out, something to do with the moon, since the sun reflects off of it. It's just an idea.
Last edited by stratkat at Mar 20, 2007,
#3
Set By Silver Light.

We sing from the shadows to forlorn ears
that dangle from windows left half ajar
and bask in the glow from the fires great breath
as it cascades off of a third story ledge.

I'd perhaps end L2 with a fullstop, then begin L3 differently. It would isolate the two parts into my profound statements. Great lines so far, really like the subtlety of them.

Not for attention are these acts done
for it is night, and you are the sun.
But we will dangle the puppeteer's cross
fronting envious eyes
watching for a sign-
and each moment is a loss.

You've used dangle already once so I might look into fixing that, I think perhaps "hang" would be a strong word, since it can mean multiple things. This part is really strong too, this is really decent stuff, back to form it seems. Envious eyes just reads really well.

...she looks out her window,
I can't help but smile.


and I regress.

Great ending too, very sentimental, it works on me anyway. I love the word "regress" anyway so for it to be the last word was great. Excellent stuff man.

Sorry thats a bit shit, if you have a comment to spare mines in my sig.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#4
Thanks both of you.

Strat- I wish I'd thought of that, adding something about the moon would have been great. I sort of wrote this on the spot, and if I figure out a good line I'll add it.

THW- thanks, your crit wasn't shit, I didn't realize I used dangle twice.

Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.