#1
Part I: Greed.
A violent image strikes the nerve.
A gushing knife protruding
from your stainless steel lover.
In your eye, you'll bleed him dry,
and wallow in the tainted wealth,
You deserve.

Part II: Nymphomania.
Coy smirks.
High skirts.
You'll shake,
whatever works,
to make him
Sweat.

Metal cuffs.
Small cuts.
He'll use
whatever's just,
to lock you
Away.

Part III: False Confidence.
The grim reaper spread himself on the table,
the most vulgar porn diva,
and you found yourself unable,
to touch and caress the dried bone.

Fingers dipping
in
and
out.
Lingering Tips
on
and
off
The offer made.

All the while, whispering:
"Let them judge it for themselves."
Let them judge it for themselves.

Part IV: Crashed Oblivion.
Your glass aquarium lays shattered,
an angel fish out of 'grade A' aqua lighting.
Now, you find your trans-uranium face
Doesn't even matter.

And you gasp
for every
Breath.

Part V: Vanity.
And as we delivered the death sentence
your painted lips only spoke to wonder aloud;
The color of your coffin was frivilous to me,
One could only hope your attire wouldn't clash.


Okay, anything would be very much appreciated. CRIT4CRIT, of course.
Thanks.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
Last edited by nerk13 at Mar 19, 2007,
#2
Quote by nerk13
Part I: Greed. <----Parts? Hmm. If this is destined to be a song, let's not make it another Earth To Bella. I like a non-part song, but thats just me. Let's continue
A violent image strikes the nerve.
A gushing knife protruding
from your stainless steel lover. <------Nice description
In your eye, you'll bleed him dry,
and wallow in the tainted wealth,
You deserve.

Part II: Nymphomania.
Coy smirks.
High skirts.
You'll shake,
whatever works,
to make him
Sweat. <----Are you talking about sluts? Or just sex? Hmm. Either way, it's not bad. And also...

Metal cuffs.
Small cuts.
He'll use
whatever's just,
to lock you <-----Nothing to say here. It struck me as somewhat strange.
Away.

Part III: False Confidence.
The grim reaper spread himself on the table,
the most vulgar porn diva,
and you found yourself unable,
to touch and caress the dried bone. <-----See last comment.

Fingers dipping
in
and
out.
Lingering Tips
on
and
off
The offer made.

All the while, whispering:
"Let them judge it for themselves."
Let them judge it for themselves. <------Repetitive, but it serves a purpose. Good.

Part IV: Crashed Oblivion.
Your glass aquarium lays shattered,
an angel fish out of 'grade A' aqua lighting.
Now, you find your trans-uranium face
Doesn't even matter.

And you gasp
for every
Breath. <------Good way to break it up.

Part V: Vanity.
And as we delivered the death sentence
your painted lips only spoke to wonder aloud;
The color of your coffin was frivilous to me,
One could only hope your attire wouldn't clash. <----WONDERFUL way to end.


Okay, anything would be very much appreciated. CRIT4CRIT, of course.
Thanks.


Wow...I think I've been floored! 9-9.5/10. It's inanely good. The descriptions, the way the line length varys...It's all insanely good. I just don't like how its severed into parts...Even if it does serve a purpose. But that's just me...and I don't make much sense half the time . Anyway, great job. You have some serious ablitiy! More than me anyway...
#3
Wow, thanks man. It's a poem, I was leaning towards the more theatrical side of poetry while I was writing it. (It'd be an odd song, most definitely.)

Which one in your sig would you like me to crit for you?
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#4
Quote by nerk13
Wow, thanks man. It's a poem, I was leaning towards the more theatrical side of poetry while I was writing it. (It'd be an odd song, most definitely.)

Which one in your sig would you like me to crit for you?


Whichever you choose. Im not a big chooser. :P:
#5
wow very very good, poetic and deep, some parts didnt make since to me, but still very good, u left alot of parts ppl could feel in so they could relate it to themselves keep it up

CRIT MINE https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=544276
My Music
http://www.myspace.com/theocifers
GUITARS:
Gibson ES-335
Gretsch Pro Jet
Guild Acoustic
1958 Harmony Hollowbody Archtop
AMPS & EFFECTS:
Vox Valvetronix AD50VT
Vox V847A Wah Pedal
Electro-Harmonix USA Big Muff
Danelectro Daddy-O
#6
Quote by nerk13
Part I: Greed.
A violent image strikes the nerve.
A gushing knife protruding
from your stainless steel lover.
In your eye, you'll bleed him dry,
and wallow in the tainted wealth,
You deserve.

I find this stanza to be a strong opener, and personally find "stainless steel lover" to be beautifully written. I'm a fan of slightly morbid writing and this definitley does the trick for me.

Part II: Nymphomania.
Coy smirks.
High skirts.
You'll shake,
whatever works,
to make him
Sweat.

This is actually my favourite part of this piece. I've never read somethign similar to this and found it highly original and well written. Good job here.

Metal cuffs.
Small cuts.
He'll use
whatever's just,
to lock you
Away.

This part, however, I do not particularily enjoy. I felt the previous stanza seemed much less forced. This seems far less fluid, and it doesn't really add anythign for me.

Part III: False Confidence.
The grim reaper spread himself on the table,
the most vulgar porn diva,
and you found yourself unable,
to touch and caress the dried bone.

Again, I am personally a fan of quirky stuff and this is absolutley amazing. I personally think you should rearrange the third line in some way, as it seems kinda bland.

Fingers dipping
in
and
out.
Lingering Tips
on
and
off
The offer made.

I found the way this was typed VERY, VERY interesting. It made it feel very delayed and really...atmospheric, I guess.

All the while, whispering:
"Let them judge it for themselves."
Let them judge it for themselves.

I'm not much a fan of this part, but I can understand why it's included. It's very powerful, but I'm personally not a fan of it. I think it may be better worded differently.

Part IV: Crashed Oblivion.
Your glass aquarium lays shattered,
an angel fish out of 'grade A' aqua lighting.
Now, you find your trans-uranium face
Doesn't even matter.

This stanza was another example of something that I believed to be brilliantly written.

And you gasp
for every
Breath.

This, however, seemed to be VERY out of place and boring. I see how it is connected, but it just seems so uneccessary and useless to me. Perhaps try rewording it to make it fir more appropriatley?

Part V: Vanity.
And as we delivered the death sentence
your painted lips only spoke to wonder aloud;
The color of your coffin was frivilous to me,
One could only hope your attire wouldn't clash.

Well, now this last stanza was another one that appealed to me. I wouldn't change anything here.



As you can see from my praise, I thoroughly enjoy this style of writing and you have done it well. I haven't got anything I'd like you to crit though, so there's no need to ask. Maybe one day I'll post another piece :p
#7
Oh.... okay. I see what you mean. Yeah, I mostly agree with everything you said. I was trying not to make the entire thing, each line, packed with imagery, so I left a few lines pretty bare, but I see what you mean. I'm probably going to go back and rewrite those.

And yes, the second verse of Part II. I hate that part oh so very much. When I was writing it, I tried my best to get exactly like the first verse in structure. I think I tried to hard. It's a bit forced, well, alot forced. Thanks for pointing it out, I'm definitely going to revise it now. Any suggestions for revision?

About the "And you gasp for every breath."- I was drawing a comparison to a fish (her) being out of water (reference to previous aquarium line) and the woman suddenly realizing she's in trouble, having anxiety and the sudden thought of "Oh shit, what am I supposed t
to do now?" I guess it doesn't work... I don't know. I'll think about taking it out.

Thanks, man, for the crit. I really appreciate it, it's the best I've gotten so far. I'll keep an eye out for something of yours. (Don't wait too long. )

Thanks again.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#8
Wow, I really like the grim imagery you used. The varied structure between the parts is great. I can't suggest anything to change or work on. Just continue with whatever you're doing to create such wonderful writings.
Does anyone know the song that goes: ba ba bah, ba ba buh, bu ba bum, ba ba bah, ba bu buh, bu bu bum, bu ba bu bu bum baam?
#10
Thanks to the both of you, especially Peeno. I appreciate it.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#11
Quote by nerk13
Oh.... okay. I see what you mean. Yeah, I mostly agree with everything you said. I was trying not to make the entire thing, each line, packed with imagery, so I left a few lines pretty bare, but I see what you mean. I'm probably going to go back and rewrite those.

And yes, the second verse of Part II. I hate that part oh so very much. When I was writing it, I tried my best to get exactly like the first verse in structure. I think I tried to hard. It's a bit forced, well, alot forced. Thanks for pointing it out, I'm definitely going to revise it now. Any suggestions for revision?

About the "And you gasp for every breath."- I was drawing a comparison to a fish (her) being out of water (reference to previous aquarium line) and the woman suddenly realizing she's in trouble, having anxiety and the sudden thought of "Oh shit, what am I supposed t
to do now?" I guess it doesn't work... I don't know. I'll think about taking it out.

Thanks, man, for the crit. I really appreciate it, it's the best I've gotten so far. I'll keep an eye out for something of yours. (Don't wait too long. )

Thanks again.


The 'And you gasp for every breath' line does work, but I just feel you could say it much better than that. I'll get around to posting something soon (probably later this evening).

However, I warn you that I haven't posted anything on here and everything I write has become blurry and nonsensical, which someone will either LOVE or totally despise.

EDIT: Here's my first piece on here in like...two months: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=549238
Last edited by Tsunoyukami at Mar 20, 2007,
#12
This is just a real quick critique as I have to depart shortly. I will give my complete critique later. I am not really into this style. Never have been. But dammit, I like this. I suppose it is the subject matter and imagery you use that makes this so damn good. The nympho part was so good, in all of its entirety. And the grim reaper part... just perfect.
What the hell is wrong with Bobby Hill
#13
Part I: Greed.
You'd assume with this kinda of structure its not a song, but I might be wrong
A violent image strikes the nerve.
A gushing knife protruding
from your stainless steel lover.
In your eye, you'll bleed him dry,
and wallow in the tainted wealth,
You deserve.

I didn't like the objectifier "the" here, I felt it sounded too subjective, perhaps "a nerve" would sound slightly better, since you never really specify where it was protruding. I'd perhaps say "That you deserve" to end with. Its a decent opening, I love the ideas, even if thetopic is slightly OD.

Part II: Nymphomania.
Coy smirks.
High skirts.
You'll shake,
whatever works,
to make him
Sweat.

Metal cuffs.
Small cuts.
He'll use
whatever's just,
to lock you
Away.

Excellent part, good use of structure and wording, its a very effective part of teh peice. very reflective. Sorry thats all I got.

Part III: False Confidence.
The grim reaper spread himself on the table,
the most vulgar porn diva,
and you found yourself unable,
to touch and caress the dried bone.

Need a semi colon to end L1 if you leave it how it is. I found this part didn't read so well. Beginning the lines with double "the" then the double "you" and "yourself" didn't sound right either. dried bone? not bones? this part needs some refining for me.

Fingers dipping
in
and
out.
Lingering Tips
on
and
off
The offer made.

All the while, whispering:
"Let them judge it for themselves."
Let them judge it for themselves.

Much better part, decent structure again, actually I have nothing to say, nice stuff.

Part IV: Crashed Oblivion.
Your glass aquarium lays shattered,
an angel fish out of 'grade A' aqua lighting.
Now, you find your trans-uranium face
Doesn't even matter.

And you gasp
for every
Breath.

Part V: Vanity.
And as we delivered the death sentence
your painted lips only spoke to wonder aloud;
The color of your coffin was frivilous to me,
One could only hope your attire wouldn't clash.

haha awesome almost Alk3/Heavens-esque in its humour. Nice stuff to end here, theres nothing I can say, Its a decent piece, I love the overall structure, and most the rest too.

peACE

If you have time theres a piece in my sig.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#14
Thanks very much. I just crit-ed yours and I have to say, quite impressive, man.

Anyways, as for the grim reaper part- I see what you mean. I'm going to revise it a bit. I'm keeping dried bone, though. I was focusing more on the texture of it, rather than the literalness (Kinda- ish, however literal you can get with metaphors.) of her touching the reaper's bones. The first line, I'm going to cut the first 'the', I'll just capitalize Grim Reaper, since I do believe there is only one Grim Reaper, therefore it is a proper noun, no need for articles. I don't know why I didn't think of that before, thanks for pointing it out. I will look at the 'you' and 'yourself' problem, although, quite frankly, I have no idea how to rewrite it. I will look into it, though. You have a good point. About the semi-colon, is it really necessary? IDK, I wrote the second line as an appositive type thing, I'm not sure if I can put a semi-colon there. I'll mull over it. I'm afraid it'll mess with the rhythm, though.... hmmm.... IDK.

So, yeah, thank thee very much for looking at this. I appreciate it. You brought many a good points to my attention that I need to revise, I'll get on that.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#15
Quote by nerk13
Part I: Greed.
A violent image strikes the nerve.
A gushing knife protruding
from your stainless steel lover.
In your eye, you'll bleed him dry,
and wallow in the tainted wealth,
You deserve.

i really liked the opening stanza, it is excellent good imagery over here.

Part II: Nymphomania.
Coy smirks.
High skirts.
You'll shake,
whatever works,
to make him
Sweat.

Metal cuffs.
Small cuts.
He'll use
whatever's just,
to lock you
Away.


i really like the structure in which you have put this together.


Part III: False Confidence.
The grim reaper spread himself on the table,
the most vulgar porn diva,
and you found yourself unable,
to touch and caress the dried bone.

opening line. i don't think there's really need of the before table
i like the whole reaper and pornstar scheme. nice imagery
but i think you can try


"the grim reaper spreads himself on table".it helps to flow a bit


Fingers dipping
in
and
out.
Lingering Tips
on
and
off
The offer made.

All the while, whispering:
"Let them judge it for themselves."
Let them judge it for themselves.

nice ending


Part IV: Crashed Oblivion.
Your glass aquarium lays shattered,
an angel fish out of 'grade A' aqua lighting.
Now, you find your trans-uranium face
Doesn't even matter.

And you gasp
for every
Breath.

wow really amazing. can't find anything wrong with it.

Part V: Vanity.
And as we delivered the death sentence
your painted lips only spoke to wonder aloud;
The color of your coffin was frivilous to me,
One could only hope your attire wouldn't clash.


good ending


Okay, anything would be very much appreciated. CRIT4CRIT, of course.
Thanks.


overall this is a gr8 piece man . i think after your ticking time bomb piece this is the best one you've posted. i reaaly enjoyed reading it.the best think i liked about this piece was that you devided it in parts so that nothing gets overshadowed and everyone getts attention.i don't find anything that much wrong with it.keep it up.
i will watch out for your work. cheers
Hi
#17
Thanks to the both of you.

Abhishek, I'll get to yours tonight, if I haven't already. I like your suggestion, I may end up going with that revision. Thanks.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep