#1
ok, i had to re-post this becz my other one got closed


we're all alone in this my sweetheart
i know we love and care for more
but they put difference into their cart
and shop at their convenience stores
of conformation and detention
losing thinking, intellection
and through all this we're alone
but, damn, somehow we stay happy

there's not a fire anymore
just a chilling, funny feeling
about how endlessly we drone
on subjects praying, starving, kneeling
today our souls will form a stone
and we'll rest our breaking bones
turning off our cell phones
while ignoring all their moans

cause hun, we're still alone
don't think it bad, but as a blessing
indefinitely we are condoned
to run away in this choice dressing
of nothing, cause we've got nothing to hide
cradle me again, while we let time die
play some music, dance naked, and sip on some wine
babe, there's nothing ****ing sweeter than feelings so fine...
#3
Quote by TheTripleThreat
ok, i had to re-post this becz my other one got closed


we're all alone in this my sweetheart
i know we love and care for more
i like these two lines but i think using sweatheart is rather overused/cheesy
but they put difference into their cart
and shop at their convenience stores
of conformation and detention
losing thinking, intellection
and through all this we're alone
but, damn, somehow we stay happy
good lines. i like how you use a convience store and shopping cart ideas. i think that " of conformation......intellection" gets a little bit messy

there's not a fire anymore
just a chilling, funny feeling
about how endlessly we drone
on subjects praying, starving, kneeling
the "no fire just a chilling feeling" is kind of overused too. I do like it but ive heard it in a lot of music... try to maybe get a little bit more figurative
today our souls will form a stone
and we'll rest our breaking bones
turning off our cell phones
while ignoring all their moans
the rhyme pattern sounds weird but i do like it. very effective and great words

cause hun, we're still alone
don't think it bad, but as a blessing
indefinitely we are condoned
to run away in this choice dressing
of nothing, cause we've got nothing to hide
i really like these lines but it sounds a bit choppy.
cradle me again, while we let time die
play some music, dance naked, and sip on some wine
babe, there's nothing ****ing sweeter than feelings so fine...
those last three lines are my favorite and probably some of the best lines i have heard in a long time. very very very good


overall... great piece. I think it could use a little bit of work but otherwise i like it. keep it up dude
Quote by MightyAl
Incest, the game the whole family can play. Now for ages 3+
#4
^ thanks man, i HATE cliches too, i tried to use these in a sarcastic, dry humor type way to spite all the fools who overuse them... but i suppose they could use some changin.... but yeah, thanks