#1
I remember reading a piece by grovermans about butterflies i think and it inspired me to write this. Crit for Crit


I opened my eyes
And the butterflies....
They flew out.
So I try to shut them.
But the butterflies...
They kept coming out.
Busting my eyelids
Wide open.
Shredding every single eyelash
down to the ground.

As I scream in pain.
The butterflies
They fluttered their way
To my insides
Scraping my tongue.
Every inch of it.
Numbing my taste buds.
Im actually thankful for that.
For I can never taste you.
Any longer.

Following the path
down to my lungs.
The butterflies they
Penetrated my heart.
Causing chemical reaction.
Causing explosion.
Busting my chest
Wide open.

And the shards
from my heart
they fall from the sky.
Turning into neon embers
Swallowing the bright
Of each unfortunate star
that chose to shine tonight
Originally posted by Knife2aGunFight
We're all different, we have different tastes. People hate people that are different, these people are racist. Racist against the scene. Scensist.....Sceneracist,........ Rascenesist.
Last edited by Emery17 at Mar 20, 2007,
#2
Quote by Emery17
I remember reading a piece by grovermans about butterflies i think and it inspired me to write this. Crit for Crit


I opened my eyes
And butterflies....
They flew out.
So I close my eyelids.
But the butterflies...
They kept coming out.
Busting my eyelids
Wide open.
i like these lines but i dont like how it says: "and butterflies"... like maybe in the song it is affective but just by reading this i dont really like it.
As I scream in pain.
The butterflies
They flly inside..
Scraping my tongue.
Every inch of it.
Numbing my taste buds.
Im actually thankful for that.
For I can never taste you.
Any longer.
great lines... i actually think that this verse makes up for the lacking in verse 1
Following the path
down to my lungs.
The butterflies they
Penetrated my heart.
Causing chemical reaction.
Causing explosion.
Busting my chest
Wide open.
this just keeps getting better and better... i would never have thought it would be good like this from the start... i was [ ] that close to stopping
And the shards
from my heart
they fall
from the sky.
Turning into neon embers
Blanketing
The elegant night sky.
Pleading
To be seen
by you...
my last comment x10

you started out weak but it progressed into a wonderful work of art. I think if you re-write the beginning and sort out some things, this would be a great piece. I really want you to change the beginning because theres something about this piece that attracts me... good work. keep it up dude
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#3
pretty good, kinda struggled towards the beginning, try not to put butterflies in there to much,maybe only one in each stanza, but still good, just redo that first part and u will be set. keep it up, u got something here

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#4
thanks for the crit, ill see what i can do on the beginning to make it more attractive to the reader.
Originally posted by Knife2aGunFight
We're all different, we have different tastes. People hate people that are different, these people are racist. Racist against the scene. Scensist.....Sceneracist,........ Rascenesist.
#5
I really didn't mind the beginning at all. There is one thing though, "So I close my eyelids"...I think shut would work as a better verb here, and maybe a little vaguery since you just mentioned the eyes. The only thing I could come up with was "So I shut the lids" but I don't know if that changes what you're looking for.

Later, you say "The butterflies/They fly inside" there's too much flying going on here, lol. Flutter? I don't know, just a thought. Same with the twice used word "sky" in the last part. "I'm actually thankful for that" sounds more like a statement than a line out of a song/poem, but I see what you were trying to do there. "Good riddance", maybe? The last three lines of the whole thing didn't really do it for me, it's not really an "explosive" ending like I think the goodness of the rest of the piece deserves.

Wow I'm jumping around a lot, alright. I really did like it very much though, particularly the "busting", that was perfect. And I like how the butterflies actually kept moving around, "following the path" as you said. Nicely done. It's really a decent piece, I know I suggested quite a few word changes but honestly, I liked it very much. You do indeed have something here.

PS- Woot @ another Texan
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"Because it looks like you landed on your face."
#6
thanks for the suggestions. I think they can really make the piece a lot better. Its rare to find constructive criticism like that so thanks.

Yeah im having trouble with the repeated use of words on the first verse, its hard to find the right fit for it but its possible. I posted it as a rough draft and all these suggestions are actually helping me make it to a better piece. Thanks.

Its rare to find another texan on this board, let alone someone that can give you constructive crits :-)
Originally posted by Knife2aGunFight
We're all different, we have different tastes. People hate people that are different, these people are racist. Racist against the scene. Scensist.....Sceneracist,........ Rascenesist.
#7
Hey man thats some great writing. It provides some great imagery.
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#8
Quote by Emery17
I remember reading a piece by grovermans about butterflies i think and it inspired me to write this. Crit for Crit


I opened my eyes
And the butterflies....
They flew out.
So I try to shut them.
But the butterflies...
They kept coming out.
Busting my eyelids
Wide open.
Shredding every single eyelash
down to the ground.
Nice opening, however I feel the 'But the butterflies, they kept coming out' could be phrased better. Perhaps, 'Still they swarmed outwards' or something? I dunno, that's just off t'top of my head. Good stanza overall though

As I scream in pain.
The butterflies
They fluttered their way
To my insides
Scraping my tongue.
Every inch of it.
Numbing my taste buds.
Im actually thankful for that.
For I can never taste you.
Any longer.
Again, good. But 'I can never taste you, any longer' doesn't sound right. I cannot taste you would sound better IMO. Or, perhaps, 'I will not taste you, any longer'

Following the path
down to my lungs.
The butterflies they
Penetrated my heart.
Causing chemical reaction.
Causing explosion.
Busting my chest
Wide open.

I'm at odds whether the repitition of 'causing' works for me or not. I like the reiteration of 'busting' from the first stanza though. 'Wide open' is a rather unpoetic last line though, a bit more imagery may be useful here. Still, a decent stanza

And the shards
from my heart
they fall from the sky.
Turning into neon embers
Swallowing the bright
Of each unfortunate star
that chose to shine tonight


The last stanza is great.
Overall, a good piece, well done.

If you could crit back, it's 'A City Howl'. Ta.
Super Leeds and Classy Cas!