#1
Who is Zorlak, you ask.

I respond that he is a caveman who only existed because Nikita Kruschev foolishly played with the time stream.

And because he existed synthetically, his DNA contained flaws that were harmful when exposed to what we call modern day humans.

It’s also a song about chemical warfare.

I hope it’s not too hard to understand. C4c

------------------------

The Plague… of Zorlak!

Something has gone wrong
The character has come to life
He gnaws the bones of the tiger
The mountain is his life

The Cave Dweller is hungry
Climbs up to the peak
He sees the Condor that took his eye
And decided revenge to wreak

Animal Skins for warmth
Primeval hair on his legs
He picks up a boulder
And hurls it upon the eggs

Condor screeches like a banshee
Zorlak takes his spear
The bird, it sleeps like a Spanish
And thus the debt is cleared

We progress through the years
A time-lapse of human fear
We see the empire grow
We glimpse the alpine snow

Zorlak is a skeleton
Embodied in the ice
There were no Nazis and their orangeade
Fanta doesn’t exist (pronounce to rhyme with ice)

It’s really very nice
It’s good to quench your thirst (pronounce to rhyme with ice)
Buy a Fanta for your lunch (pronounced to rhyme with ice)

The 50’s bitch turns the television off
Her husband’s home from work
She gets him a drink, but when she returns
She finds him cough and splurt

Her husband works in the alpines
And the straights of Gibraltar
The man has contracted Zorlak’s plague
They blame the USSR
#2
First off, I love the imagery in here. It flows well, the rhyming is pretty ace. I have to wonder something though. How the hell do you pronounce lunch to rhyme with ice? I can almost give you the other two you mentioned, but it would be better if left to their regular pronunciations or possibly a different word choice. Also, the whole spiel about orangeade was confusing.

The few issues aside, it was quite an enjoyable read.
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#3
Cheers man.

I think that in hindsight the lunch line can stay lunch

Just to clarify, the part about fanta is that Zorlak lived in the alp area, possibly north italy.

Now, in the second world war, the allies blocked germany's navies off, so they couldn't get the supplies to make coca cola. Because Italy was under Axis control, they did have plenty of oranges to use instead, hence the creation of Fanta.

Now, because Kruschev changed history, the Nazis never existed, and neither did the need for Fanta, which is what the lines "There were no Nazis and their orangeade/Fanta doesn’t exist"

However, we do know from "time machine" that kruschev decided to bring things back to the way they were, but unfortunately abnormalities in the space / time continuum developed, which is why the next part, what gels into a television advert for fanta, still exists, as does Zorlak, who should have returned to nonexistence when the time line was recorrelated.

And that explains how that works. It's actually quite simple.
#7

The Plague… of Zorlak!

Something has gone wrong
The character has come to life
He gnaws the bones of the tiger
The mountain is his life

Nice opening, straight to the point, and like the third line. Creates interest for the reader, who is this character?

The Cave Dweller is hungry
Climbs up to the peak
He sees the Condor that took his eye
And decided revenge to wreak

The switch from present tense to past tense in the last line is slightly confusing, maybe make it 'decides' instead? Not sure about the flow of the third line, it seems slightly long, but I'm not sure how else you could phrase it really

Animal Skins for warmth
Primeval hair on his legs
He picks up a boulder
And hurls it upon the eggs

Not sure about the second line tbh, sounds a bit like you needed a rhyme for eggs. Still, it isn't bad - carries on the narritive quite nicely and paints a more vivid image of the 'cave dweller'.

Condor screeches like a banshee
Zorlak takes his spear
The bird, it sleeps like a Spanish
And thus the debt is cleared

Finally, we learn the characters' name. The third line is nice, bit more imagery going on here, though I'm not sure I totally understand it...a Spanish what?

We progress through the years
A time-lapse of human fear
We see the empire grow
We glimpse the alpine snow

The use of 'we' draws the reader in nicely. I like how you don't specify which empire is growing, it leaves the reader guessing how far through the years we are being taken. Not sure about the flow of the second line, though the image of dark times it portrays is cool

Zorlak is a skeleton
Embodied in the ice
There were no Nazis and their orangeade
Fanta doesn’t exist (pronounce to rhyme with ice)

Shows the effects of Zorlak being there. I like how you use a positive effect, (ie: No Nazis) but also link in the more trivial fact about orangeade. It shows how our actions can effect things on a tiny level as well as a big one. I think 'does not' might sound better in the last line

It’s really very nice
It’s good to quench your thirst (pronounce to rhyme with ice)
Buy a Fanta for your lunch (pronounced to rhyme with ice)

Not much to say, apart from the rhyming seems a bit dodgy. Still, if Johnny Rotten can rhyme 'anti-christ' with 'anarchist'...

The 50’s bitch turns the television off
Her husband’s home from work
She gets him a drink, but when she returns
She finds him cough and splurt

I love the use of 'bitch' to show the lack of equality for women in the 50's. The harsh language also hints at the harsh reality of what is about to happen to her husband. Is there a moral issue here, that the man deserves his fate becuase of how he treats his wife?

Her husband works in the alpines
And the straights of Gibraltar
The man has contracted Zorlak’s plague
They blame the USSR

Good ending, wraps it up nicely.
Nice work Brian!.
Super Leeds and Classy Cas!
#8
The switch from present tense to past tense in the last line is slightly confusing, maybe make it 'decides' instead? Not sure about the flow of the third line, it seems slightly long, but I'm not sure how else you could phrase it really

Yeah, that was a typo. My bad

Not sure about the second line tbh, sounds a bit like you needed a rhyme for eggs. Still, it isn't bad - carries on the narrative quite nicely and paints a more vivid image of the 'cave dweller'.


I was using “monkey hair”, but I was informed that it might be taken as a racist term. The replacement is a bit forced.

EDIT: I think that maybe it would be nice to make a reference to evolution and the apposable thumb instead. hmm...

The use of 'we' draws the reader in nicely. I like how you don't specify which empire is growing, it leaves the reader guessing how far through the years we are being taken. Not sure about the flow of the second line, though the image of dark times it portrays is cool

The lines are mixed up here again, it’s gone from ABAB to AABB, so I will fix that. “The empire” refers to the roman republic, not sure if you picked that up.

Shows the effects of Zorlak being there. I like how you use a positive effect, (ie: No Nazis) but also link in the more trivial fact about orangeade. It shows how our actions can effect things on a tiny level as well as a big one. I think 'does not' might sound better in the last line.

Using my memory of the primitive vocal melody, doesn’t fits better, although I think it’s one of those lyrics that doesn’t necessarily fit the music.

Just a background bit of info; this song carries on from “the time machine”, in which the Nazis don’t exist because there never was US independence, which lead to a dominance in British imperialism and expunged the need for a world war of domination. The prime minister of the British Empire is Reinhard Heydrich.

I love the use of 'bitch' to show the lack of equality for women in the 50's. The harsh language also hints at the harsh reality of what is about to happen to her husband. Is there a moral issue here, that the man deserves his fate becuase of how he treats his wife?

I didn’t really intend a moral issue to that degree. On this album, I like to throw little historical links in to add a bit of colour, hence the use of “bitch”, although the crime involved is to change history. The particular man’s crime is digging up what should not be unearthed, I think that maybe having so much knowledge of where we came from is potentially dangerous to humanity as a race.

Thanks very much for the crit man, you did a great job.

Give me a ring any time you want a critique back on something.
Last edited by BrianApocalypse at Mar 21, 2007,
#9
Quote by BrianApocalypse


I was using “monkey hair”, but I was informed that it might be taken as a racist term. The replacement is a bit forced.

EDIT: I think that maybe it would be nice to make a reference to evolution and the apposable thumb instead. hmm...

That would be cool if you could pull it off, let us know if you make any big changes and I'll come back and tell ya what I think

“The empire” refers to the roman republic, not sure if you picked that up.

That was my first guess, but I thought you might have been leaving it open on purpose, it could have been the British Empire, for example

Just a background bit of info; this song carries on from “the time machine”, in which the Nazis don’t exist because there never was US independence, which lead to a dominance in British imperialism and expunged the need for a world war of domination. The prime minister of the British Empire is Reinhard Heydrich.



That book sounds awesome! I'll have to try and get a copy of it. Heydrich was a right crazy bastard as well.
Super Leeds and Classy Cas!
#10
Quote by GreenDayChris
That book sounds awesome! I'll have to try and get a copy of it. Heydrich was a right crazy bastard as well.


Oh, i'm not talking about the book, I'm refering to the track on my hiroshima album

It could be the british empire, in fact, which in the Zorlaq reality would extend to all of italy.

Heydrich was crazy and very dangerous. And it proved to be his downfall.
#11
Is there a book of the same name? I remember my mate telling me about a book he'd read, in which the Nazis won the war or something...it sounds quite similar.
Super Leeds and Classy Cas!
#12
Quote by GreenDayChris
Is there a book of the same name? I remember my mate telling me about a book he'd read, in which the Nazis won the war or something...it sounds quite similar.


That's "Fatherland" by Robert Harris.

I've only read about it in a book about it, so I have an interesting perspective.

I figured the album would need a twist, so I took that idea, merged it with the john titor story and throw in a bit of red alert.

It's a well trodden topic, but it has an interesting slant.

EDIT: "The time machine" is also a song by H G Wells.