#1
there's a pretty girl in the seat in front of me. she hasn't noticed me this whole week and she hasn't noticed that i've spent the majority of this plane ride staring at her reflection in the window. either that, or she simply doesn't care enough to acknowledge it. whatever her reasons may be, she hasn't said a word to me, and she's not the only one. i could have been an ashtray for a dozen bottle-blonde cigarettes, but they all failed to pay me the slightest bit of attention.

and i know that the idea that i'm being ignored by a bunch of faceless people who i'll never see again really shouldn't bother me the way that it does; i've got a girlfriend who's a thousand times prettier than any girl sitting on this plane, and i've got a couple of friends back home who i wouldn't trade for a couple of kids without names. it's just that sometimes, i feel the need to be acknowledged as someone important by someone who hasn't spent their life wearing out the sentiment. and this week, no one acknowledged me; no one even seemed to notice me at all. so i self-medicated this feeling of utter neglect with a hell of a lot of alcohol, which worked pretty well until it all wore off.

and now, here i am, sober on the plane ride back home, and after almost five hours of flight, i finally look past the girl's reflection to the city lights as we begin our descent. and as soon as the plane hits the ground, the entire cabin erupts in applause, as if every single passenger was expecting to die, and was pleasantly surprised when it turned out they'd survived.

but for what it's worth, i never clapped; i was too busy thinking of all the pretty, faceless, bottle-blonde cigarettes that i couldn't be the ashtray for to feel the slightest bit like i was still alive.

__________________________________________________

i'm not going to be here (again) for the next three days,
so leave comments and i'll get to them when i get back.
or don't. whatever you want. i guess it IS kind of hard to
critique something all ranty and boring like this thing.

BUT. comments WILL be appreciated.

I just want to sleep forever.


Last edited by Grovermans at Mar 20, 2007,
#2
it is kind of funny how sometimes you let yourself care about what people think even though you will never see them again and don't know them at all. Sometimes I catch myself doing that.
#3
I thought 'hey, Kyle posted something, let's full crit.' but then i read it, and i'm not going to full crit it.
It struck me Kyle, I know exactly what you're talking about. It's the same with most of the girls at university; you'd like to know them, but they seem to ignore you. And yes, I do have an amazing girlfriend too, but I so can relate to this.
As for the writing itself, it wasn't that special. The plane thing is a bit overdone, your choice of words was a bit simple, ..
I like the ashtray/cigarettes metaphor. It spiced it up, made it more interesting. and like I said, the simple isn't really a problem here. I'm sure i'm not the one who will be able to relate to this. In that sense, it was beautifully written.

Joris

If you have time, please do mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=548076
#4
Haha, it's funny you should write this...I wrote something similar on my plane ride back home, yesterday.

It is kind of ranty, particularly the second part (the beginning of the second part really)...it could be because there's so many "I" statements. But it's definitely not boring, maybe because it's easy to relate to. I really like the third paragraph/bit, it gives an attitude to the people in the plane, I kind of imagine how dull they really are, I believe 'faceless' is what you used to describe them. It shows in that part.

And while I do also like the cigarette/ashtray metaphor, I feel that the way you addressed it at the end was too direct, it added to the rantiness (word?). Something more subtle might do the trick. Personal preference though.

I kind of feel odd critiquing this because I don't know exactly what your intentions were, if that makes sense, but that's all I've to say. Don't be so hard on yourself.
Quote by metacarpi
I'd rather post a chat up line with an escape route in case it starts going wrong.

"Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"

*girl looks unimpressed*

"Because it looks like you landed on your face."
#5
Quote by phantom1
I thought 'hey, Kyle posted something, let's full crit.' but then i read it, and i'm not going to full crit it.
It struck me Kyle, I know exactly what you're talking about. It's the same with most of the girls at university; you'd like to know them, but they seem to ignore you. And yes, I do have an amazing girlfriend too, but I so can relate to this.
As for the writing itself, it wasn't that special. The plane thing is a bit overdone, your choice of words was a bit simple, ..
I like the ashtray/cigarettes metaphor. It spiced it up, made it more interesting. and like I said, the simple isn't really a problem here. I'm sure i'm not the one who will be able to relate to this. In that sense, it was beautifully written.

Joris

If you have time, please do mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=548076

well it's actually about my plane ride home.
i'm not like. using it as a metaphor or anything.

but thank you everybody.

it's not meant to be overly poetic or anything.
just to say what it's meant to say clearly.

I just want to sleep forever.


#6
I much prefer your more technical pieces to these prose pieces, Kyle. There's just something about your prose I don't find quite right. I'll be honest, I think it is the ranty style. The sentences or paragraphs consistently start with "she, I, and, but, it's, my". Too much of your prose is "i this, I that" and you don't give any time to painting a scene or setting an atmosphere, you just have this stream of me me me. IMO It lacks character.

The bolded part of my reply is my biggest concern with your prose though. The more you write like this, I'm sure the better it will get, but at the moment I don't think prose is your strongest hand, you seem to be lacking the technical know-how of prose writing. No offense or anything, this is my opnion of course.

If you could get back to "two sons" in my sig, it'd be appreciated. Thanks.
#7
It's an interesting observation that'd be much better adapted to a poem.

I'd say more but I pretty much agree with Jammy on all other points, so I don't think there's really more for me to say.