#1
Here is a song I worked on for a few days, crit for crit if I can because I'm not much of a lyrical analyst, let me know what you think and how I could improve it.

Cheers,

-- DaN --

Colourblind (Fake Shades)

Chewing lead
Swallowing the pieces
Contemplating life
Complicated thesis

Suffocated mind
Exasperated senses
My thirst for blood
Is nothing but relentless

Now it's feeding time

The only one beside me's
My beloved and I'm finding
That it's becoming so challenging
To walk away while handling
Her fragile frame...
Should I plead insane?..

If I should happen to lose my way
Don't follow
If I should wander off tomorrow
Please, for me
Let me go

Vibrant to grey
Bleed it all away

A wasted life!
A worn out Lieeeeee!
A useless shell!
An internal helllll!

One day you'll leave me behind
Defy my disguise
One day you'll realise
My fake shades of grey
Are the reason why
You're colourblind

Transparent truth
Words of glass
Confession booth
Talking way too fast

I forgot to not
Run my throat too hard
My voice cracked
And I'm still choking on the shards!

It's feeding time again

There's nobody beside me
And I am just now realising
That it became far too challenging
To walk away while handling
Her brittle bones...
I'm so alone...

If I should happen to lose my way
Don't follow
Just let me go

A wasted life!
A worn out Lieeeeee!
A useless shell!
An internal helllll!

Vibrant to grey
Bleed it all away

Chewing lead
Swallowing the pieces
Colourblind life
Colour-coded thesis

Vibrant to grey
Bleed it all away
#2
Colourblind (Fake Shades)

Chewing lead
Swallowing the pieces
Contemplating life
Complicated thesis

did you just choose lead randomly? or are you implying bullets? ... i lead doesnt have any real significance to the piece then i'd find something that did.... nice stanza though... good flow.

Suffocated mind
Exasperated senses
My thirst for blood
Is nothing but relentless

this works... cool.

Now it's feeding time

not sure about this line... i think maybe you could be more creative... its not horrible though.

The only one beside me's
My beloved and I'm finding
That it's becoming so challenging
To walk away while handling
Her fragile frame...
Should I plead insane?..

i like the image this conveys... i think in L1 you should use "me is", even though that may not be how its sung it reads better that way... and if possible find a word to replace "insane" or change the line or something... "insane" is over-used and seems to have lost meaning as a word almost... or maybe it just annoys me... either way i'd change it.

If I should happen to lose my way
Don't follow
If I should wander off tomorrow
Please, for me
Let me go

put very simply, but it gets the point across... this is good.

Vibrant to grey
Bleed it all away

cool.

A wasted life!
A worn out Lieeeeee!
A useless shell!
An internal helllll!

personally i hate the use of exclamation marks in song writing.

One day you'll leave me behind
Defy my disguise
One day you'll realise
My fake shades of grey
Are the reason why
You're colourblind

this stanza seems to be out of order... you either need to mention the leaving behind after you state the reasons why... or else you need to word it differently so as to connect the first line with the reasons.

Transparent truth
Words of glass
Confession booth
Talking way too fast

yeah i like this

I forgot to not
Run my throat too hard
My voice cracked
And I'm still choking on the shards!

first line would sound better as "i forgot not to".... and could you find a better word than "run"? ... because it just doesn't seem to fit... maybe rephrase the whole line.

It's feeding time again

There's nobody beside me
And I am just now realising
That it became far too challenging
To walk away while handling
Her brittle bones...
I'm so alone...

seems like too many "ing" rhymes... kind of sounds clumsy.

If I should happen to lose my way
Don't follow
Just let me go

A wasted life!
A worn out Lieeeeee!
A useless shell!
An internal helllll!

Vibrant to grey
Bleed it all away

Chewing lead
Swallowing the pieces
Colourblind life
Colour-coded thesis

cool idea... but shouldn't use colour twice so close to each other... maybe for L3 you could say "black and white life" instead... or something like that.

Vibrant to grey
Bleed it all away

yeah this was good for a song.... is it sung fast? cause otherwise it would be one friggin long song... anyways.... yeah it had some good ideas... just a few small things that i think would be worth changing.

good job... keep it up.... and mine is in my sig. if you dont mind.
#3
Thanks for that bassbeat77.

I chose lead because it just puts 2 different things in my head. Firstly, 'lead' could be referring to a pencxil or something while he works on his 'complicated thesis', you know how people chew their pens while thinking?

Also, think of somebody chewing away at a block of lead, I guess, to me, it symbolises the discomfort but utter commitmet the subject has to finding the truth to life (or perhaps, why his life seems so different).

Yes, this song is a slow-ish one, a progressive-rock style to it, so it is quite long to accomodate the lyrics.

As for this section:

The only one beside me's
My beloved and I'm finding
That it's becoming so challenging
To walk away while handling
Her fragile frame...
Should I plead insane?..


The 'ing' rhymes aren't really 'ing' rhymes, as the emphasis when performed is placed on the first few syllables. So, in this the rhymes are really 'beside' and 'finding', 'challenging' and 'handling'.

I agree with you about the usage of the word 'me's' but I justify it by letting you know that that section is syllable-constrained (if that's the right way to put it), meaning the music demands a certain syllable count, so I wrote me's to remind me to say it as one word or it stuffs the timing.

my use of 'plead insane' refers to the court case that the subject predicts after he finally gives in to his temptations. I guess this line could be changed, perhaps something like 'God, help me refrain?' or I dunno but I will look at other options for that line.

A useless shell!
An internal helllll!

personally i hate the use of exclamation marks in song writing.


Sorry, and again I would usually agree with you, but this is yet another vocal reminder for me to help me remember the tone of my voice at this point.

One day you'll leave me behind
Defy my disguise
One day you'll realise
My fake shades of grey
Are the reason why
You're colourblind


I think perhaps this could be easier understood if i altered the presentation of the stanza, as it does actually make sense.

One day you'll leave me behind
Defy my disguise...

One day you'll realise,
My fake shades of grey are the reason why
You're colourblind


I forgot to not
Run my throat too hard
My voice cracked
And I'm still choking on the shards!


'Forgot to not' is my preferred way of writing it as it makes a rhyme within the line, saying it like 'Forgot not to' is more difficult to say.

As for L2, I'm not sure I shall look into changing it.

Chewing lead
Swallowing the pieces
Colourblind life
Colour-coded thesis

cool idea... but shouldn't use colour twice so close to each other... maybe for L3 you could say "black and white life" instead... or something like that.


I agree with you here, 'black and white life' it is .

Thanks for the feedback and any more is welcome! I will now go and look at your song bassbeat77.