#1
Okie doke guys, I'd like you to take a look at the writing but also at what's going on in this. Since I wrote it I know the situation, but I'm not sure if I depicted it accurately. If you all could tell me what you make of it, what's going on in it- that would help. I'm also dissatisfied with the ending, suggestions would be fab. Thanks in advance, leave a link if you like

Ivory and bright red lines, neatly wrapped,
Fed to an anxious audience-
A paralytic explosion at the fingertips.
We touched, and then we lost control
Winding. Winding. Winding.
But I suppose fact and fiction looked the same to you
at one o' clock in the morning,
in the dimly-lit backseat of a car
I suppose they even taste the same when
compliments have drawn my lips to yours
in a cheap and silly symphony of peppermint delights.
[...what were you thinking that night?]

You pulled the knife from my side,
first twisting until it caught bone-
then used it to divide my eyes.
"This won't hurt a bit" you said
but with the newfound sight you gained,
I'm sure you can't have missed
The painful pulls of ecstasy
that TWISTED at my face
The rigor mortis that set in
as you evicted all my senses
with your soft, delicious touch.
I was nothing- NOTHING next to your style and swank,
I crumbled underneath your hands to some pathetic thing
And I haven't seen myself since.

I wonder where she was that night-
Waiting for you, up at home, as you lay
Atop me
Running fingers through my hair
Slipping past my waist and tying my legs with yours
Was she with some other man-
Did her infidelity force you to seek solace in the knowledge
that you could tell physical stand-up comedy to
Some pretty girl at a coffeeshop?
I'm really not amused.
Quote by metacarpi
I'd rather post a chat up line with an escape route in case it starts going wrong.

"Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"

*girl looks unimpressed*

"Because it looks like you landed on your face."
#2
So yeah for the third time my full crit didnt post, only froze my computer so gahhh im not using that quote thingy anymore.

Well it was a great piece man. Great start and great finish. Only a couple of things to change like the use of cant on the second stanza, maybe couldnt would be a better choice of word. And also on the second stanza the use of the word thing at the second to the last line didnt really do much for the piece. its too simple of a word to use in a piece that is far from average. Last, on the last stanza the third line "atop me" didnt really go really well unless its part of the second line and you were alliterating the a's then I guess it fits well. Other than that nothing else man. Great writing man. Great imagery and everything.

How did your inspiration come about when you started writing this?
Originally posted by Knife2aGunFight
We're all different, we have different tastes. People hate people that are different, these people are racist. Racist against the scene. Scensist.....Sceneracist,........ Rascenesist.
#3
Its not a man.

I remember you reading my stuff, whoa a long time ago. I shall be back to this. Hope you're well.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#4
Hahah sorry. Great writing maam *tips his cowboy hat*

:-)
Originally posted by Knife2aGunFight
We're all different, we have different tastes. People hate people that are different, these people are racist. Racist against the scene. Scensist.....Sceneracist,........ Rascenesist.
#5
Hahaha oh no! If you couldn't tell I'm a ma'am from the piece, I have a lot more work to do than I thought

"How did your inspiration come about when you started writing this?" I'll share that after getting a few thoughts about what exactly is happening, I want to see if the scene can be derived from the writing. So far, I'm thinking not lol. I thought about what you said about "thing", it is a simple word, but that is also the feeling I want to convey, like some pathetic...thing. I will definitely take your word suggestions to heart though, thank you sir. *tips cowgirl hat* hehe.

So to anyone else who's up for a crit, suggestions for "thing" would be fan-tas-tic. Free-for-all on the word "thing".

[THW, I am shocked and amazed that you remember me...but it is true that I used to follow your works like a lion on a limpy gazelle (not that your works are limpy...lol) Imagine what a bum I felt like after what seemed like two years of writer's block to come back here and see how your writing has developed. And all S&L mod and whatnot!]
Quote by metacarpi
I'd rather post a chat up line with an escape route in case it starts going wrong.

"Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"

*girl looks unimpressed*

"Because it looks like you landed on your face."
Last edited by blu_flame34 at Mar 21, 2007,
#6
Hi, I think we're the same person. A few parts in here remind me of myself, and how I write, or at least how I think when I write...

I'm not really sure about the situation. I can tell from the last stanza it's about a relationship with someone who already has a girlfriend. The first stanza seems to compare the relationship to a candy cane? Am I way off here? I don't know if this was intentional but I see a connection with the twisting of a candy cane and the twisting of the knife and the tying of the legs. Stanza two I think is basically just elaborating on the feeling of being caught up with someone so badly, and it hurts and changes you so much.

Stanza one I think was great. Stanza two was okay, kind of lost my attention, wasn't as nicely written as the first stanza. Stanza three I like, but mainly because I feel like I can relate in a way and it's written like some stuff that I've written.

And uh totally random, but stanza two reminded me of the Kafka quote "Love is like a knife with which we explore ourselves." I don't know if that is at all where you got the inspiration from for that part, I doubt it. Just thought I'd comment on it.

Soooo, yeah, nice job, I quite liked this piece.
#7
Hello,

I think this is really gooood. But hey, when I finished reading this I was thinking of elbows. There aren't any... subliminal messages in it... right?
- aL -
#8
well this piece is amazing, one of the best works of language I have read on here since I joined!!!!

I don't think I will elaborate on my interpretation of this piece, as my mind tends to sway more to the melancholy side of life. But a masterpiece nonetheless!!!!

I disagree with the earlier comment that in the second stanza "can't" should be replaced... I think it fits there perfectly... YAY!!!!
#9
i think i'm getting at it being about meeting someone late at a coffee shop, and then going around to different places with him. then afterwards, ended up at home with him and the next day or later on sometime, looking back, you realized he probably had relationship problems and wanted some quicky, but you actually fell for him?

my guess, but i may be wrong lol

i liked the wording choices a lot, and it seems like it could flow pretty well. the only part i didn't really get was about the knife.
#10
You hit the nail on the head there, flamingo. Either you're a close reader or you're the guy I made out with.

Yeah, the knife kind of has to do with a conversation that we had, I guess it doesn't really make sense in context. It just felt like I've had a sore spot with men for a long time (there's been a knife in my side) and he pulled it out, which was nice. Except not really, because he just hurt me in other ways with it. Took my sight because I was practically blind when I dealt with him. It felt good at the time, but then I really didn't know a lot of the other aspects of the situation at the time either. Like his fiancee

Thanks a lot though guys. I think I'm pretty satisfied with this piece. Haha I was pretty surprised that it was resurrected so late though.

I really like that Kafka quote Astra posted.
#11
i never woulda saw it unless someone else posted before me though, i had no idea it was old until i looked at the top haha. i just like reading everyones stuff here cuz im trying to put things together too, and any ideas i get are helpful.

p.s. im not that guy!
i just seemed to understand this piece for some reason...
#12
Nice...Really nice!!

Very cool prose there...I'm not used to see and write this kinda stuff and I really liked it...


I have 3 lyrics here if you want to take a look and leave a crit ma'am...One's on my sig but I'll still leave a link to all of them...

Moonlight Outside (Thread closed due the use of poll...Send PM if you like)

Marijuana Effect

Strike Against Myself


Cheers
Quote by imdeth


I'm funny

BLUES
#13
This was bumped up after a long time. I usually hate to see the space taken away from newer works. But in a way, I'm glad this came to the top.


A paralytic explosion at the fingertips.

This is a bit hard to grasp at first. The paralysis is in being able to resist or being stunned, the explosion being in your senses. At first I thought "No, she must mean cataclysmic"
... I think I get it now.


as you evicted all my senses

I can't really make this work. That says all your senses had departed. You had no ability to sense. Do you mean to say "evoked all my senses" or perhaps "evicted all my sensibility" ?
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.