#1
Written for the Europe Vs N. America Comp, but also to experiment.

Any comments and critiques are appreicated. Leave a link if you want one back, just make sure you leave a worthy critique.

Enjoy


Two sons, one young, one old and grey
arrived upon the hills today
the younger spat curses, special is he
the older more wise; cursed sensibly.
To work they set on grass so green
and luscious, so the cows agreed;
though to eat and graze they thought
the grass need not be cut so short.

Thunder rocked the crowds of clouds
as Daisy spoke her ideas aloud
and told the strangers "please depart
without a murmer, or a start
we need this lush to work and play
(whatever men might try to say)
this green is all we've got to own
so please, oh please, leave it alone."

Young man's eyes grew twice their size
he scarred the air with his despise
around the ground the green turned red
surely, he thought, the cows are dead?
Alas, to his bemused belief
Daisy had risen from turf beneath
upon young's head, she had but struck
"That'll stop you saying ****"

The wise man held his tongue inside
surveyed the scene before his eyes,
a brother, dead, with 'fork by hand
yet still he could not understand
the shortened grass, the angry cow
the setting sun that forced a bow;

the wise man, in his head found sense
clasped hands infront, one word- repent.
#3
Very Interesting.
seriously, the delivery and content is very unique. nice one.


Two sons, one young, one old and grey
arrived upon the hills today
the younger spat curses, special is he
the older more wise; cursed sensibly.
To work they set on grass so green
and luscious, so the cows agreed;
though to eat and graze they thought
the grass need not be cut so short.

fine little opening.
it has a real nursery rhyme feel to me.

i dont really like the "special is he" part. while it fits with the old poetry stylee you have going on,
when i read it, i immediately though "special needs", lol.
probably not what you had in mind but thats how it struck me.
other than that, its ok. the for something with such a rigid rhyme scheme,
it doesnt really sound overly forced anywhere, and flows nicely.

Thunder rocked the crowds of clouds
as Daisy spoke her ideas aloud
and told the strangers "please depart
without a murmer, or a start
we need this lush to work and play
(whatever men might try to say)
this green is all we've got to own
so please, oh please, leave it alone."

Young man's eyes grew twice their size
he scarred the air with his despise
around the ground the green turned red
surely, he thought, the cows are dead?
Alas, to his bemused belief
Daisy had risen from turf beneath
upon young's head, she had but struck
"That'll stop you saying ****"


this read well for me.
The fact that the flow is so concise, without the rhymes being too forced or sounding like it was written by a hack, really powers this part along.
theres not much i can fault, except i cant decide whether this is supposed to be humourous or dark. especially with the end line.
it seems like people would react to this the same way they would react to a clown. some people would laugh, but some would find something very sinister about it

The wise man held his tongue inside
surveyed the scene before his eyes,
a brother, dead, with 'fork by hand
yet still he could not understand
the shortened grass, the angry cow
the setting sun that forced a bow;


the wise man, in his head found sense
clasped hands infront, one word- repent.


Quality ending.
as the sun sets, the whole tone gets darker, which is a nice little touch.

Overall, it makes me think of wordsworth, or blake or something,
which is by no means a bad thing.

the strict rhymes are the only thing that would have pissed me off about this piece, but you have handled it well, and it shows that you know how to write.

sorry i couldnt be more critical.


if you could have a butchers at one of the ones in my sig (18 feet, if you'd be so kind) it would be appreciated.

Peace Out
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#4
I don't understand... the purpose of this. I mean, it's a decent enough little narrative with a pretty good rhyme scheme, but other than experimenting with an older feel, I don't think you really made enough of a point.

It's just... poetry.

I don't know, maybe you can clear it up a bit. I don't think you really delivered a message here though.

By the way:

special is he

That has to go. It is a terribly forced rhyme, and you don't deliver any point through it, well, unless you mean he's mentally challenged, but still... that's a terrible line.
Last edited by Retribution at Mar 21, 2007,
#5
I don't like the rhyme scheme, it seems too forced and very boring, and the special is he sounds forced. You don't have to rhyme every single line, or rhyme at all.

But otherwise, it is good.
#6
I disagree with Retribution. The message was clear,for me. I'm not sure if I got the meaning, but at least it felt like I did.

I haven't really read your pieces in a long time, but to me, this was a lot better than much of your stuff. It seriously impressed me and i enjoyed it.

You are writing with a lot more freedom than a lil while ago, imo. I like how the story developed and the meaning became clearer as it went on. I liked the final 2 lines a lot too.

I kinda agree tho, with what other ppl have said, about the "special, is he?". I get what you're trying to say (that cursing isn't at all clever, right?) but it could be phrased better. Apart from that it flowed really nicely and the rhyming and all that was good.

well done.
#7
"special is he" is supposed to allude to that sort of **** and bull, I'm-God's-greatest-gift-to-mankind attitude that is popular among so many people.

An allusion to that, whilst also implying that that sort of attitude means something is wrong in the head of those people, to make them act in that way.

KillahSquirrel- you don't have to rhyme. Or you can rhyme every line. But thanks

James- (for I don't mind explaining this one) It's really about the fact that you can do bad things (usually as the lesser of two evils) if it is not in your nature, and you are forced into the decision to do it, and if you are sorry for it then it is ok. (wise man/cursed sensibly/repent). Bad things all the time though (younger one/spat curses/cow murder will ultimately cost you, and it'll come back around (Daisy rising through the turf hints to a higher power eg God/Fate/Karma or whatever you believe.)

Hope that cleared it up a little.
#8
Quote by Jammydude44


Two sons, one young, one old and grey
arrived upon the hills today
the younger spat curses, special is he
the older more wise; cursed sensibly.
To work they set on grass so green
and luscious, so the cows agreed;
though to eat and graze they thought
the grass need not be cut so short.

Nice opening, I agree with whoever said it has a nursey rhyme feel. However the 'cursing' lines indicate the more sinister feel that is to come

Thunder rocked the crowds of clouds I love that, 'crowd of clouds'
as Daisy spoke her ideas aloud Seems a tad forced for rhyme, I dunno why but I think 'out loud' may sound better.
and told the strangers "please depart
without a murmer, or a start
we need this lush to work and play
(whatever men might try to say)
this green is all we've got to own
so please, oh please, leave it alone."

Great end to the stanza, nice mix of sounding like natural language and poeticness. I would lose the brackets though, personally I find them off-putting. Good flow here.

Young man's eyes grew twice their size I would make it 'to twice their size'. should it be 'there' or 'their'?
he scarred the air with his despise Again, seems a tad forced, 'scarred the air' is some good imagery though
around the ground the green turned red
surely, he thought, the cows are dead?
Alas, to his bemused belief
Daisy had risen from turf beneath
upon young's head, she had but struck
"That'll stop you saying ****"

Another strong stanza. Slightly uncertain about the last line, I'm not sure if it's humourous qualities really suit the rest of the piece. Still, it puts across the meaning pretty well

The wise man held his tongue inside
surveyed the scene before his eyes,
a brother, dead, with 'fork by hand
yet still he could not understand
the shortened grass, the angry cow
the setting sun that forced a bow;
Quality stanza

the wise man, in his head found sense
clasped hands infront, one word- repent.


Love the ending, really brings the message of the poem across.
A crit back (link in sig) would be much appreciated. Ta.
Super Leeds and Classy Cas!
#9
I do like the reptition, it does not sound forced, but essential. I usually don't like imagery, but I enjoyed it here. I found this to be quite pleasent. The first verse actually made me pretty happy. I think cause it mentioned cows, and I just love cows.
What the hell is wrong with Bobby Hill
#10
woah that's a pretty deep meaning. I was thinking it was some sort of social commentary, and you were saying today's youth is full of well..crap people, basically. Anyway I like it a lot.
#11
Quote by Jammydude44

James- (for I don't mind explaining this one) It's really about the fact that you can do bad things (usually as the lesser of two evils) if it is not in your nature, and you are forced into the decision to do it, and if you are sorry for it then it is ok. (wise man/cursed sensibly/repent). Bad things all the time though (younger one/spat curses/cow murder will ultimately cost you, and it'll come back around (Daisy rising through the turf hints to a higher power eg God/Fate/Karma or whatever you believe.)


Haha, don't take this the wrong way, but I feel like this was one of those pieces that was "Write first, Draw meaning later", which isn't a bad thing. (In fact, some of my best pieces have been that way. It doesn't mean you can't formulate your meaning, it's that you base your writing off of writing, rather than making a point. It's a good way to be.) I think you have a very good piece here, and maybe I didn't read it enough. I'll probably read this again tomorrow, and get nit-picky.

(P.S. I don't like to do this, but since it's on page 3 and you did promise a crit... could you at least bump that piece of mine you read and said you'd come back to?)
Last edited by Retribution at Mar 21, 2007,
#12
Hell, I loved it. I thought the rhyming was actually very fluid and didn't sound forced. I'm actually impressed with your rhyming. Maybe it's because I read old literature, but the special is he part is fine- despite what the others think.

Very nice. And the introduction and the closing tied very well.

If you wish to crit, mine is called "My New Kingdom"

Screw it, I'll just link it to you:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=550075

there you are, peace
███████████████
We are the music makers, we are the dreamers of dreams.
████████████
Last edited by westo at Mar 21, 2007,
#13
sorry for taking so long. i really havent been in the mood


Two sons, one young, one old and grey
arrived upon the hills today
the younger spat curses, special is hethis is like yoda talk, and sounds awkward, and forced rhyme. but yea i already read why ur keeping it in
the older more wise; cursed sensibly.i didnt like how u used the word 'curse' twice so close
To work they set on grass so greenmabe add comma after work
and luscious, so the cows agreed;sounds weird, mabe and the cows agreed? idk
though to eat and graze they thought
the grass need not be cut so short.worded a bit weird to me, i had to reread the ending of thid verse over and over again to read it correctly

Thunder rocked the crowds of cloudsi like the crowds,clouds thing
as Daisy spoke her ideas aloudok, u throw in this 'daisy' to fast
and told the strangers "please depart
without a murmur, or a start
we need this lush to work and play
(whatever men might try to say)eh, play,say, i didnt like that
this green is all we've got to own
so please, oh please, leave it alone."
ok, u tossed in a new character her, out of no where. i think this because u never desribed her or nuthing in the first, or second verse. u just said 'daisy' and the strangers i have no clue who they are or why they are there.ok, upon re-reading, im guessing the stangers are the 2 brothers.

Young man's eyes grew twice their size
he scarred the air with his despise
around the ground the green turned red
surely, he thought, the cows are dead?
Alas, to his bemused belief
Daisy had risen from turf beneath
upon young's head, she had but struck
"That'll stop you saying ****"
the dead,red, thing kinda annoyed me.should the last line say " thatll stop you from saying ****'


The wise man held his tongue inside
surveyed the scene before his eyes,
a brother, dead, with 'fork by hand
yet still he could not understand
the shortened grass, the angry cow
the setting sun that forced a bow;

the wise man, in his head found sense
clasped hands infront, one word- repent.


ok, i was confused at the beginning, but i think i got it figured out. but i think u should have mentioned daisy in the first verse, so it wouldnt seem so abrupt that she was in verse 2. mabe say the 2 were going to meet somebody, idk tho. u had simple rhymes that annoyed me, but not to badly to ruin the whole piece. but i dont understand it exactly, even tho u explained it, i dont see how u drew that from the lyrics. but im half asleep here, so its probly just me
#14
I actually like this quite a lot Jamie...has a nice folky feel to it, which is similar to a lot of the music I have been listening to as of late, so kudos for that...idk, just kind of made me smile all the way through, but I think the ending could have a little more impact, though for now I think it will do. Good job, again.
#15
I liked this piece. You always seem to use humor effectively in your pieces (which I have trouble doing) and this one is no different. I liked the feel the writing had to it. It kind of reminded me of a nursery rhyme, which I thought was pretty cool. I thought the story was awesome and the flow was great as well. The song reminded me of "The Battle of Epping Forest" by Genesis, which of course means that I enjoyed reading this piece. Keep it up, man.

Crit mine please?
I Love Your Show
#16
^It reminded me of that song too, even though that is my least favorite song from that album. Also reminded me of 'Jack in the green' by Jethro Tull
#17
Thanks all.

I'll try and get back before the weekend is out, I am quite busy at the moment.



Ret- I did have most of that meaning before I wrote, and then the spiritual stuff came out as I wrote this, and it seemed like a good level to add to the piece. I never write a piece then go back and find a meaning- it's always before hand I'll have the idea, and during writing it I usually add more to it.

Raggle- Daisy is the cow
#18
haha I liked it, its better than the normal smattering of 'death metal songs' ¬_¬