#1
crit4crit

I LOVE YOUR SHOW

Now that I found you at long last
Can you sign this photograph?
The only thing of you I have
Please don't wake me from this dream
'Cause I only see you
On the television screen

I know you oh so well
Though we've never met
"All you know is an image
Portrayed on a TV set"

Let me know if I have a chance
You just turned around and laughed
"Maybe you can. Maybe you can't."
I need to tell you I love you so
But all that comes out is
A meaningless "I love your show."

I know you oh so well
Though we've never met
"All you know is an image
Portrayed on a TV set"

I know she's not really here
I know these memories aren't mine
But I'll believe for a while
That she's really in my life
Last edited by themarsvolta at Apr 4, 2007,
#2
Quote by themarsvolta
crit4crit You took quite a good username, buddy.

I LOVE YOUR SHOW

Now that I found you at long last
Here, you can sign this photograph
The only thing of you I have
Please don't wake me from this dream
'Cause I only see you
On the television screen <-----Ooh a song about obsession, just like "The Fan"! Sweet. I like the first verse, well thought out.

Truth's epitome was said
When you were called a goddess
In the magazine I read <----- Sort of a bad chorus...Maybe change it? It would add to the song.

Let me know if I have a chance
You just turned around and laughed
"Maybe you can. Maybe you can't." <-----Good...good.
I need to tell you I love you so
But all that comes out is
A meaningless "I love your show." <----I like this line, it shows pain and a bit of regret: i.e., you say "I Love Your Show" instead of "I Love You".

Truth's epitome was said
When you were called a goddess
In the magazine I read

I know she's not really here
I know these memories aren't mine
But I'll believe for a while
That she's really in my life <-----Wonderful ending.


Overall, the lyrics show some serious mastery and a good idea of the topic in mind. The chorus is the only thing that really keeps it back. 8.5/10. Keep rocking.
#3
I like it. It flows nicely and i felt it. I think people can relate to it in the sense that everyone has wanted someone they couldn't have. Nice job.
#4
I quite liked this. I actually thought the chorus was effective in its shortness and simplicity, the only thing I didn't like was how it strayed into cliche at times. The line about waking from a dream struck me as kind of unoriginal, but other than that I felt it had good flow and cool subject matter. Nice work.
#5
This is a very straight foward piece for you man, but i dig it none the less. touches on the the topics on envy and jealousy with nice class, and never gets too wordy or out of hand. A nice change of pace here that keeps things fresh and me always wanting to read more from you.
#6
HI! Ill start off by saying this is one of my least favorite of your works. Simplicity is good. But it could also be bad and theres a very fine line drawn between them. Rhyming scheme was a little simple. The short little three liner chorus there is pretty good IMO. The line I think you know you so well is just hard for me to read mainly cus my brain flips out when im readin a sentence with more than two pronouns. I also really liked the Let me know if i have a chance stanza. I was diggin that. You know? The more and more i get into this the more more i like it. Good solid ending there. I guess overall good piece but I fell that ive read better from you. Im just more into your complex stuff. Check mine out? Its in the sig. Peace out
#7
btw, i got a full explanation of my song and my dream up. So if you wanna check that you can. And uhhh.... Fellow fans of mars volta unite!....yeah
#8
This was really well written, I have nothing I want to nitpick, but I do have a suggestion, in the first verse maybe make it "can you sign this photograph" instead of "you can sign this photograph" Might make it flow even better.
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!
#9
I think you wrote this very well, and you read one line thats well written, then the next one won't be so well, and then you go to the next line and its like BAM, and it all makes sense. But I agree with the guy who said you should re-do your chorus. The last line in it especially, kind of ruins the song. For me anyways.

Crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=551392

Thanks so much

~nDE
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#11
Solid, solid, solid piece as usual Mr Volta.

really, I can never find anything to fault. And it's not because I'm not looking because I always do, just to find something I can pick out.

But I can't. Great change in style as well. So you are versatile
#12
I thought the flow was a bit off, and you seemed very outright. There were some things which were just boring, or didn't need to be there like "In the magazine I read".

There were some bits that were good like the first four lines, and the "I love so/I love your show" thing. However, this whole thing seems mediocre. Rewrite it with more regard to the flow and the emotion. After all, a stalker isn't that tame, you would have a somewhat more schizophrenic pattern in the emotions and thoughts of your character.

(Crit mine in my sig - "The Greatest Trick..."?)
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


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