#1
hey here's some lyrics I wrote the other day. Not the most intelligent lyrics, but they work for what I'm aiming for: catchiness. So tell me what you think.

All Talk And No Hands (Mom)”

I’m always looking for things to complain about
But there’s nothing left to say.
I’m always looking for things that make me turn around,
But I’m going blind these days.

Can you help me?
I can’t help me.
I can’t make you lend a helping hand,
But here’s mine, its doing me no damn good.
I can’t even help myself,
So maybe it’ll be useful to someone else.

We fall asleep with aspirations and plans.
And wake to find that they’re only day dreams.
I’ve learned to sing about your dirty hands,
While I sing in the sink and wash my own clean.
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#2
somebody tell me what you think.
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#3
Quote by big_chuck
hey here's some lyrics I wrote the other day. Not the most intelligent lyrics, but they work for what I'm aiming for: catchiness. So tell me what you think.

All Talk And No Hands (Mom)”

I’m always looking for things to complain about
But there’s nothing left to say.
I’m always looking for things that make me turn around,
But I’m going blind these days.

The first two lines, I didn't really like, but the second two I do. The language may be a little blunt but the message of these two lines is good. However, a more interesting opening would be better to draw the reader in, I nearly closed this thread. Still, not a bad first stanza - might make a decent chorus?

Can you help me?
I can’t help me.
I can’t make you lend a helping hand,
But here’s mine, its doing me no damn good.
I can’t even help myself,
So maybe it’ll be useful to someone else.

I see what you're trying to say here - you can't help yourself so you want to help others. However, the language seems disjointed, and the repetition of 'can't' and 'help' doesn't really work for me. Of course, this is all opinion, but I feel you need to work on a more interesting, and flowing, way of putting these ideas across. Whereas I could imagine someone singing the first stanza, this one I can't. Good idea, poor excecution here IMO

We fall asleep with aspirations and plans.
And wake to find that they’re only day dreams.
I’ve learned to sing about your dirty hands,
While I sing in the sink and wash my own clean.


The last line is the best of the lot. In fact this whole stanza is the best part of your piece, I really like it. With a bit of reworking, particuarly of the second stanza, this could be a pretty good piece.
Crit back would be appreciated, it's 'A City Howl'. Ta.
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#4
firstly, thanks for the crit on mine-much appreciated.

now, i like the contrast between lines in the first stanza though the repetiotion of 'but' didn't really work for me. easily rectified though, any other monosyllabilic word will do

the chorus bit has a great idea behind it but i felt it was worded in a slightly roundabout way. try breaking it up so each line has a distinct purpose in the song then put it together again.

i think the last stanza is the better of the two. I like the last two lines especially, though, again, i think repeating sing threw me a bit. however the thoughts behind it were definately good it just needs some refinement.

good job! 7.5/10
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#5
See, these are the types of lyrics/songs/poems I like. I am not a fan of flowery language or overly abstract imagery, this is it for me. I really do find beauty in simplicity, if you know how to put words together right, and create something that is truley personal. Good job.
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