#1
The city howls, in the town a cry
Under moonlit sky, the village sighs
And the street lamps waste their time
Light shining on blind eyes
And deafened ears still turn inward
To escape the one to blame
The wind blows all the same

A street sign fallen, the street still stands
Held up by brazen, hard-worked hands
And parked cars at the side of the road
Are still stuck in neutral gear
Yet their wheels are still spinning
To try to escape the fate
That waits for those too late

Not quite winter
Not quite spring
But the change
Won’t mean a thing

The light grows dim in the perfect garden
Time to go pick up the case of burden
Smoky corners filled with hazed shadows
A voice blurred by the mist
Neon signs and taxi lights are calling
And stumbling nights forgot by morning
Stagger to the front of mind

A touch of green on the grey canvas
Red tops promise you’re not quite home yet
Corner mutterings turn to soap box ranting
Could it be the sigh is rising?
Worthless stuttering shown the way
Heads turned to squint at light of day
The howls are slowly dying

As usual, leave us a link and I'll crit ya back.
Ta.
Super Leeds and Classy Cas!
#2
Quote by GreenDayChris
The city howls, in the town a cry
Under moonlit sky, the village sighs
And the street lamps waste their time
Light shining on blind eyes
And deafened ears still turn inward
To escape the one to blame
The wind blows all the same

A street sign fallen, the street still stands
Held up by brazen, hard-worked hands
And parked cars at the side of the road
Are still stuck in neutral gear
Yet their wheels are still spinning
To try to escape the fate
That waits for those too late

I really love the hard imagery used in these to stansas, especially "A street sign fallen, the street still stands, Held up by brazen, hard-worked hands"
and "still stuck in neutray gear". This really creates a feeling of struggle and it's very dark and intelligent. Also these stansas really draw me in because you've used a lot of enigma, which keeps it interesting.


Not quite winter
Not quite spring
But the change
Won’t mean a thing

The light grows dim in the perfect garden
Time to go pick up the case of burden < I don't like this line, it just seems like you ran out of images to use.
Smoky corners filled with hazed shadows
A voice blurred by the mist
Neon signs and taxi lights are calling
And stumbling nights forgot by morning
Stagger to the front of mind

A touch of green on the grey canvas
Red tops promise you’re not quite home yet
Corner mutterings turn to soap box ranting
Could it be the sigh is rising?
Worthless stuttering shown the way
Heads turned to squint at light of day
The howls are slowly dying
I love this song, it gives little explanation, so it's left up tp interpretation, yet even without the explanation it doesn't dissapoint me or leave me uninterested. Very good!

As usual, leave us a link and I'll crit ya back.
Ta.


Thanks for the crit on my song by the way!
"They credited us with the birth of that sort of heavy metal thing. Well, if that's the case, there should be an immediate abortion." - Ginger Baker

Quote by alexlemon2
I've been here long enough, and nobody knows who teh fudge I am


I cry at night
#3
Great song. The language is good, The imagery is good. Not really that much I can say bad about it except this "Not quite winter
Not quite spring
But the change
Won’t mean a thing" sort of seems out of place, but other than that it is an excellent piece. I'm actually going to post one quite similar to this pretty soon called "The Silent City". Lyrically it is better than the other one you criticized. Thanks for that too.
Fender Jazz Bass (lefty)
Epiphone Les Paul (lefty)
#4
Just leaving a quick message to let you know I'm not forsaking my responsibility.

I'll do you a full crit later. Busy busy busy

Have a good one mate
#5
Diction: Good use of words, and good choices as well. One line got me though: Time to go pick up the case of burden. If I'm not mistaken, this is the only line where you acknowledge the narrator's presence in the piece. With the way you were going with this as the whole, I was expecting you to not involve the narrator directly, but you did. I don't think many people will spot it, never mind think much about it, but the line took away something from this.

Structure: Pretty good, although the short refrain was strange. I don't really see what purpose it's possessing.

Rhythm: It had a good beat to it, but occasionally there was a line which didn't have enough syllables in it (A voice blurred by the mist, et al).

Devices: Some good imagery and metaphors, all used appropriately and accordingly. You didn't really go overboard which was the main thing. The piece just lacked some lesser known devices which would've stood the piece in better stead.

Originality: Although the setting has been used a lot, especially with the glam rock bands from yesterdecade, the way you portrayed the scene and surroundings was different, and I liked it.

Overall: I liked it. Just the occasional bump in the rhythm undid some of your work.
#6
It's late but it's here!

The city howls, in the town a cry
Under moonlit sky, the village sighs
And the street lamps waste their time
Really love this third line. Good start here. "a cry" sounded a bit odd to me though.
Light shining on blind eyes
And deafened ears still turn inward
To escape the one to blame
The wind blows all the same
solid, decent start. I don't have many problems with this.

A street sign fallen, the street still stands
Held up by brazen, hard-worked hands
And parked cars at the side of the road
Are still stuck in neutral gear
Impressive lines. Really nothing I can pick out.
Yet their wheels are still spinning
To try to escape the fate
That waits for those too late

Not quite winter
Not quite spring
But the change
Won’t mean a thing
I like this piece.

The light grows dim in the perfect garden
Time to go pick up the case of burden
This second line seemed unnatural, and was a short of a syllable or two. I also think it was worded poorly.
Smoky corners filled with hazed shadows
"hazed shadows" I don't particularly like .
A voice blurred by the mist
Neon signs and taxi lights are calling
And stumbling nights forgot by morning
Stagger to the front of mind
Lucky to get away with forgot than forgotten. Just works. Good stuff.

A touch of green on the grey canvas
Red tops promise you’re not quite home yet
2nd line again flows not as well .
Corner mutterings turn to soap box ranting
Could it be the sigh is rising?
Worthless stuttering shown the way
Heads turned to squint at light of day
The howls are slowly dying

Overall this was a really decent piece, solid and consistent with just some minor flow issues.

Impressive writing and not much I could fault. Good stuff.
#7
Quote by GreenDayChris
The city howls, in the town a cry
Under moonlit sky, the village sighs
And the street lamps waste their time
Light shining on blind eyes
And deafened ears still turn inward
To escape the one to blame
The wind blows all the same
Very good, sets the piece up well and has some nice imagery

A street sign fallen, the street still stands
Held up by brazen, hard-worked hands
And parked cars at the side of the road
Are still stuck in neutral gear
Yet their wheels are still spinning
To try to escape the fate
That waits for those too late
The last two lines don't fit because they're too cliche compared to the rest which is original. Think about changing them.

Not quite winter
Not quite spring
But the change
Won’t mean a thing
Strong.

The light grows dim in the perfect garden
Time to go pick up the case of burden Does that actually make sense? I'm not sure
Smoky corners filled with hazed shadows
A voice blurred by the mist
Neon signs and taxi lights are calling
And stumbling nights forgot by morning
Stagger to the front of mind

A touch of green on the grey canvas
Red tops promise you’re not quite home yet
Corner mutterings turn to soap box ranting
Could it be the sigh is rising?
Worthless stuttering shown the way
Heads turned to squint at light of day
The howls are slowly dying
Good. Possibly not as good as the rest, I might change the last line to make it more affecting - it's a bit anti-climactic.

As usual, leave us a link and I'll crit ya back.
Ta.


Excellent work, can't find much to criticise, I liked the language a lot and it tells a good story.

(Please crit "The Greatest Trick..." in my sig)
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#8
so far the best thing i've read, you really feel the emotion through out the lyrics, I only think that this part could be worked on, but thats just me:
Not quite winter
Not quite spring
But the change
Won’t mean a thing

I believe this could be changed and it would improve the quality of the song even more. It seems very insignificant compared to the other verses that are really well written.
Last edited by lostinpieces at Apr 24, 2007,