#1
Crit4Crit
I re-wrote this to make it into a prose, or I think it's kinda like a prose. I've never written anything like this before, or even attempted to so it probably sucks. I still owe a few from my last one, I'll try to get to them. This didn't turn out to be as long as I wanted it to, but expanding on it might make it worse.


"Shreds of Thought"


I'm feeling a new kind of alone.
In front of certain people, a long good-bye is annoying and unfulfilling. Sometimes people keep talking even though they said good-bye five minutes ago, and five before that. Luckily there's no one around to ruin this moment. Lately I've found that I can hate people simply because they exist.

Ex. 1, 5 reasons why I hate them.
1)They don't handle your problems like they should.
2)They help create, and worsen your problems.
3)They don't treat you right.
4)They're ignorant of what they're doing.
5)They're ignorant of the pain they cause me.


Lately I've had trouble articulating my thoughts.
I wrote twenty poems last week, they're so horrible, reading them makes me cringe.
Every time a pencil touches the paper my first thought is blood, bleed, or die.
Every thought of feelings makes me picture myself putting my right had over my heart, and forcing my fingers into my chest.

Ex. 2, one of the poems I wrote last week.
A silver shadow dances across a dark wall,
where it's melting the scarlet paint off,
staining the lead floor red,
It's thinking, "RIP IT TO SHREDS!"

It's either in extreme anger or sadness,
but the shadow's still moving with
unimaginable control and awareness.

The shadow doesn't notice me,
or maybe it's pretending, just like I am.


I really do hate them.
It's been twenty minutes. I blame them for every second of misery I've had to endure. I'm getting the images again. When I can't hurt them, I can only think about hurting myself.

Ex. 3. last words
I hope they'll understand after this,
but they'll probably just go on
being ignorant pricks...
that's the most painful
thought I've ever had.
Last edited by stratkat at Mar 20, 2007,
#2
2)They help created, and worsen your problems.

*create

I think this is a lot easier to read.
This seems human and honest. Straightforward. The examples make it seem a little like an essay, and I'm sure you could find a better way to put them, it's not really a big problem though.

Good, in an honest and human way.

I don't think it needs expanding.
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
#3
I think this would have succeeded on a smaller scale. I want to stray from ripping this apart verse by verse. So I'll say something about the overall. I think this suffers from Holden Caufield syndrome. You've attempted to criticism a society that you're very well apart of, and the point of that book (Catcher in the Rye) is to show the hypocracy of being cynical towards something you're apart of. I think that through this, it shows an angst that is all too common in writing today, I think mostly people have thought of poetry as a teen venting blog, or shitty journal, no offense, but it's because of things like this. I think that poems like these, the overly honest ones, where it's just a what you feel is what is making poetry looked down upon as an accepted form of artwork these days. More people need to experiment. You need to take a look from someone who could come into this and read this, without knowing anything about you or who you are. I think that if you can succesfully alienate yourself from your poetry, and read it as not only a fan of poetry, but preform critical analysis as if it were someone elses, then you can start to realize that it's overly cliche. That's bad.

I think that you need to work on presenting your ideas and thoughts in a less linear fashion. You've constructed this piece around seperate titled pieces, which I think ruins the sincerity of it. You've got to understand the seperating factor between sincerity and creativity. If you can find a balance between both then that's when you can start writing the best stuff you've written. You have to take a look from outside in.

I think you will improve if you begin to start improving wording, diction, and structure, and then with those understood and fluent in, you start to experiment with various styles and etc.



later gator
-matt-
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#4
Thanks for pointing that out Alk, and matt, I'll definately take some of that into consideration, thanks for the crit.
#5
I'll get to this tomorrow.

On first thoughts a lot of this seemed cliche, ranty and to be honest, I didn't take to the style or structure..

I'll be back more in depth tomorrow