#1
Here is my first post. In case you can't tell I don't know how to title something or puncuate.


Are You Really There
(the most logical arguement for atheism)

What makes him happy.
What's in his head,
When he looks at that girl.
What does he dreams in bed.

What makes him tick.
What makes him grin.
The innocence in her voice,
The softness of her skin,

A softness he can't touch,
But a want he can't rid.
He must be sick,
She is just a kid.

What's she doing,
As he drives over and over
by her school.
Red rover, red rover.

What's on her mind
on his back seat.
As she passes her house,
down a unknown street.

What will make him happy
When he sais goodbye.
When he hides her body,
will he cry.
Last edited by California? at Mar 20, 2007,
#2
Quote by California?
Here is my first post. In case you can't tell I don't know how to title something or puncuate.


Are You Really There
(the most logical arguement for atheism)

What makes him happy?
What's in his head,
When he looks at that girl,
What he dreams in bed

What makes him tick?
What makes him grin?
The innocence in her voice,
The softness of her skin?

A softness he can't touch.
But a want he can't rid.
He must be sick,
She is just a kid.

try she's only a kid

What's she doing
As he drives over and over,
by her school.
Red rover, red rover.


didn't like it that much felt forced

What's on her mind
on his back seat?
As she passes her house
down a unknown street.

What will make him happy
When he sais goodbye?
When he hides her body
will he cry?



definetely needs a bit of ppunctuation but for first attempt its not that bad. rad tips thrd it will help u alot
Hi
#3
But is it really that important? Punctuation that is.
What the hell is wrong with Bobby Hill
#5
Actually I quite like this. You could call it Ruminations On A Pedophile. I think what struck me most about it is that is an unusual topic and an interesting idea for a poem or lyrics. Good work
#6
I have morbid curiosities what can I say. Everything else I write about is me getting to drunk and strange girl problems.
What the hell is wrong with Bobby Hill
#7
What makes him happy
What's in his head
When he looks at that girl
What he dreams in bed
I love this set up. The repetitive what starting each line sets a great rhythm and keeps it together and moving. I like how you said girl without any specifications. It doesn't really give away what it's about yet, but almost foreshadows, if you know what I mean. The rhyming meter's okay, nothing too fancy, but it doesn't have to be. There isn't anything that sounds forced here so the common/overused rhyming pair of head and bed works. Be careful though with how many of those really common, predictable rhyming pairs. Try to rhyme words that don't instantly come to mind. It mixes it up a bit and keeps the song interesting.

What makes him tick
What makes him grin
See this is a great rhyme. It isn't 'nursery rhyme annoying', not that the previous pair was, this is just less predictable and sounds alot better to me. The parallel structure is great and provides a perfect, fluid transition into this verse.
The innocence in her voice
Lovely assonance, man.
The softness of her skin
Alliteration... I like. Also, the rhyming here is great. It doesn't follow the previous pattern and keeps the song interesting and unrepetitive.

A softness he can't touch
But a want he can't rid
Hmm... I don't see what but is contradicting here. Clarification, maybe?
He must be sick
She is just a kid
For some reason, I don't like these two lines. It seems to me the last line is phrased a bit awkwardly, compared to the rest, and the lines are too short. I like the internal rhyme you have with just and must, but I think those two lines need a bit lengthing and the last line, IMO, would read better if you contracted she and is to she's. That way the internal rhyme is a bit more prominent and flows better. (The first line you had a syllable and then must, the second line you had two syllables and then just. You need one syllable instead of two to follow the pattern.)

What's she doing
As he drives over and over
by her school
Red rover, red rover
This one seems a bit unorganized. The red rover, red over and over and over rhyme didn't really work so well for me. The first line's too vague as well for a first line of a verse. That line should kick off the verse or provide a good transition; I really didn't see it sucessfully doing either of those. Don't completely scrap it or anything (It's too good for that.), but I suggest some revision with a better look at the meter and rhythm. I like the content though, very clever.

What's on her mind
on his back seat
As she passes her house
down a unknown street
I loved this. Nice rhymes and assonance. No complaints here.

What will make him happy
When he says goodbye
When he hides her body
will he cry
I don't like this last line. You seemed to shift the focus to something completely different than what the build up of the rest of the song was pointing to. To me, it should end with him not being completely happy or satisfied with what he's done, or some reflection on how his hunger destroyed other lives. If you are going to go this route with an ending, and ultimately the meaning of the song, than I suggest you drop a few clues as to what the song means. Maybe spend a little more verse looking into his guilt or hesitancy of molesting the little girl. This last line really seemed to come from the left field, man. You may want to look at it a little more and decide if it's vital. Otherwise, I'd scrap it, if I were you, and wrap up this song a different way.

Overall, this is pretty good. Original topic and perspective, I have to say. The rhyming nice and I love the simplicity of the whole thing. Hopefully, this helps a little bit, IDK. If you have any questions about anything I said up there, feel free to ask. I know I don't always end up making complete sense most of the time.

CRIT4CRIT? Mine's called Trans-Uranium Transcript, if you don't mind. Thanks.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#8
Nerk13, I very much appreciate the amount of anaylysis you put into this. And I agree with you on the "just a kid" part as well "red rover" part. But I find the last line absolutely imparative. It is supposed to give him a more human characteristic, you know. Make him seem even more a confused individual. Like he loves this child, but is so deranged he kills her.
What the hell is wrong with Bobby Hill
#9
Okay, I see what you mean. If you're going for that angle, you should spend a little more verse elaborating on it, or put a bit of foreshadowing of that spin somewhere in the song. The last line hits too hard and kinda leaves you thinking, "Wait? What....? Where did that come from?" I love the fact that you want to put that characteristic into it, it certainly isn't something written about everyday, you just need to convey the thought a bit better, if you know what I mean.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#10
I see what you mean. I still kind of like the suddeness of it. But this is clealy a personal preference thing. One that may only be shared by me, myself, and I.

A offtopic question. I posted to many threads today. So they got closed. But I really like what I got posted. Will the become open later, or can I delete them and repost. What can I do?
What the hell is wrong with Bobby Hill
#11
Alright, I gotcha. If you like it, by all means, keep it, man. I don't know much myself, don't mind me much heed.

Read the FAQ at the top of the page, it'll basically answer any questions you have. You can only post a certain amount of songs at a certain amount of times. I suggest you delete the ones locked. They won't reopen later. Don't repost them, though, until you're allowed to post them again.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#12
unusal topic but i really love this piece... well done man
Quote by MightyAl
Incest, the game the whole family can play. Now for ages 3+
#14
devil duck and bunch dark (cheetah thong), thanks. I aprrecate it. Mucho Grassyass
What the hell is wrong with Bobby Hill