#1
hey everbody, crit for crit, this will probly be my last for a few weeks.sorry to everbody on my last thread that i didnt crit back, ill get to them.plus if the flow is crappy to u, im still ganna rearrange it, i just felt like posting something.

I awoke to my alarm clock scratching at my dreams,
dispersing them like a bottle astray at sea.
I was deciding whether to smash or ignore it,
'cause the alarm seemed to mimic my thoughts
for it kept vacillating between beeps and boops.
I chose to compromise and simply turn it off,
but my hand froze to the button,stuck,lost
Water vapor condensed in my room
forming dew on my plain, boring walls,
encrypting and brightening them with fresh radial designs.
Rain sept through cracked panels in my ceiling;
coming as plectrums imprinting bloody footprints
on the innocent canopy of my forest floor.
The clotted blood formed earmuffs as an insulator,
to strangle out the last drop of reality
turning the music into nothing more,
than a child's fiction book.
All the while,red iron began to take shape
in the crevices of my skin, hardening in my pores
and sprouting needles,showing the world a point,
maybe forming a futuristic fashion of hairstyles.
My room condensed further,
the morning dew crystallizing and reflecting
the bright green lights of my clock.
Every where i looked, i saw distorted mixtures
of the time; eight twenty-two.
I finally owned my own light show,
but to my dismay
a porcelain face nearby licked my consciousness,
and i awoke
to see my cat watching me,
to the sound of my alarm scratching at my dreams.....


I didn't dare touch it.
Last edited by ragglefraggle at Mar 21, 2007,
#2
For all that I owe you.

I awoke to my alarm clock scratching at my dreams,
dispersing them like a bottle astray at sea.
I was deciding whether to smash, or ignore it,
remove the comma after 'smash'
and the alarm seemed to mimic my thoughts
I'd change the 'and' to "cause" (lol) 'cause and denotes a change in topic within the sentence, 'cause' will allow it to read better. Add a comma at the end too.
for it kept vacillating between beeps and boops.
Cut the 'for' here it'll read better without it. I also hated 'boops' I was thinking either "ticks" or "tocks" should replace it.
I chose to compromise and simply turn it off,
but my hand froze to the button,stuck,lost.
Wasn't keen on the addition of 'lost' it was really needed. perhaps "Stuck fast".
Water vapor condensed in my room
forming dew on my plain, boring walls,
encrypting and brightening them with fresh radial designs.
Great lines, I dig.
Rain sept through cracked panels in my ceiling
Add a semi colon to the end of this line.
coming as plectrums imprinting bloody footprints
on the innocent canopy of my forest floor.
Again good lines
The clotted blood formed earmuffs as a insulator,
as AN insulator.
to strangle out the last drop of reality
turning the music into nothing more,
than a child's fiction book.
As this happened,red iron began to take shape
As this happened is a kinda childish way of phrasing it, try things like "All the while" or "Moreover" instead.
in the crevices of my skin, hardening in my pores
and sprouting needles,showing the world a point,
maybe forming a futuristic fashion of hairstyle.
either make the 'of' - "In" or make 'Hairstyle' Plural.
Now my room condensed further,
Cut the now, its not needed, the progression is obvious as you use 'further'.
the morning dew crystallizing and reflecting
the bright green lights in my clock.
of my clock.
Every where i looked, i saw distorted mixtures
of the time; eight twenty-two.
I finally owned my own light show,
but to my dismay
a porcelain face nearby licked my consciousness,
and i awoke
to see my cat watching me,
to the sound of my alarm scratching at my dreams.....


I didn't dare touch it.

Excellent ending, and a really good piece overall, for me you're really growing as a writer, here you display a decent understand of how to engage the reader and maintain a story. It is a really good piece imo. Nice stuff man.

I'll answer your PM in due course.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#3
Yes. I flippin love it. I want to have sex with it. I would even call it back. Seriously, it is awesome.
What the hell is wrong with Bobby Hill
#4
I'll get to this after school (unless something pops up), but at first quick read through, I liked it, I think the first line is a really strong opening.
#5
Quote by ragglefraggle
hey everbody, crit for crit, this will probly be my last for a few weeks.sorry to everbody on my last thread that i didnt crit back, ill get to them.plus if the flow is crappy to u, im still ganna rearrange it, i just felt like posting something.

I awoke to my alarm clock scratching at my dreams, great first line
dispersing them like a bottle astray at sea. Scratch that, great first two lines
I was deciding whether to smash or ignore it, Seems a bit blunt compared to the previous two lines, but works
'cause the alarm seemed to mimic my thoughts
for it kept vacillating between beeps and boops.
I chose to compromise and simply turn it off,
but my hand froze to the button,stuck fast.
Nice section. Though the 'stuck fast' doesn't really work for me
Water vapor condensed in my room
forming dew on my plain, boring walls, Boring is a bit of a boring word, don't you think? Maybe that's what you were going for though. Nice imagery though
encrypting and brightening them with fresh radial designs. Is that meant to read 'radical'?
Rain sept through cracked panels in my ceiling;
coming as plectrums imprinting bloody footprints
on the innocent canopy of my forest floor.
Great few lines
The clotted blood formed earmuffs as an insulator,
to strangle out the last drop of reality I don't know why, but I would be tempted to change this to 'drops'.
turning the music into nothing more,
than a child's fiction book.
Nice imagery!
All the while,red iron began to take shape
in the crevices of my skin, hardening in my pores
and sprouting needles,showing the world a point, Great line
maybe forming a futuristic fashion of hairstyles.
My room condensed further, seems of a bit bland way of putting it, especially considering the imagery of the last few lines
the morning dew crystallizing and reflecting
the bright green lights of my clock.
Every where i looked, i saw distorted mixtures
of the time; eight twenty-two. These two lines are great
I finally owned my own light show,
but to my dismay
a porcelain face nearby licked my consciousness,
and i awoke Again, a little bland - though this could be seen to signify you coming back to reality, which we all know is not as exciting as our dreams in most cases
to see my cat watching me,
to the sound of my alarm scratching at my dreams.....


I didn't dare touch it.


Nice ending to a really awesome piece.
Super Leeds and Classy Cas!