#1
I wrote this little experimental piece about two weeks ago. When I wrote it, I really didn't know what I was trying to say and couldn't really extract any meaning from it at all. So I ended up deciding to let the reader choose what it 'means'.


Toothpaste, hair gel, rubber duck, mongoose.
Shoe lace, untie; dishevelled flaged truce.
Eyeball bounces, microphone exhales,
Negative, positive, metal then impales.
Moonlit, starlight skiing on the moon,
Eating the umbrellas, floating a balloon.
Down a hill, up a hill all over to the sun -
Starving force fed dishwasher waiting until one.

Just like a cup of spilt milk,
There's no use in crying over it.


Oh, and please don't comment saying annything like 'This doesn't make sense!' If it doesn't make sense, make sense of it or offer why it doesn't really make sense.
Last edited by Tsunoyukami at Mar 20, 2007,
#4
Well I don't think it makes sense. You yourself said it didn't make sense. I have written stuff like this, I just wrote down things that rhymed at fit together nicely. Then the few times I have done lsd, I wrote things like this. It is not that I don't like it, cause I do.
"Down a hill, up a hill all over to the sun -
Starving force fed dishwasher waiting until one."

I love that line, I just don't make any sense of it.
What the hell is wrong with Bobby Hill
#5
Quote by California?
Well I don't think it makes sense. You yourself said it didn't make sense. I have written stuff like this, I just wrote down things that rhymed at fit together nicely. Then the few times I have done lsd, I wrote things like this. It is not that I don't like it, cause I do.
"Down a hill, up a hill all over to the sun -
Starving force fed dishwasher waiting until one."

I love that line, I just don't make any sense of it.


Well when I wrote it at first I thought it was utter crap because it seemed totally nonsensical, but after thinking about it, I finally made some sense of it.

And I have never done any drugs at all. xD

Is there anything you'd like me to comment on?
#6
Well, isn't this a braintwister?

I couldn't really get any meaning out of it until the very last line, it was pretty straightforward. I'm going to guess it's about moving on and not letting the worst of life get to you.....? IDK, really, I don't. So I'll stop demeaning and degrading your lovely writing with my half-ass guesses that are probably completely off.

I will, however, discuss how much I like it.

The internal rhyme is very nice in some places. I love how you didn't actually force anything or try to create a certain illusion of cleverness that wasn't actually not there. It's a very simple rhyming scheme, although, to tell the truth, I didn't notice that until maybe the third time I read it... which of course is a fantastic thing. The only problem I had was this: With writing like this, you really need to rely on imagery to get a point across. In order to create great imagery, you need really strong descriptions or verbs that stick in your head. Some of the verbs you used are really common, day-to-day words that everyone uses. There's nothing wrong with these, per say, you need verbs that leave an impression, really paint a picture for the reader, something that pops! or wows people. Avoid overused, common verbs, they could mean death for a wonderful song or poem.

Overall, nice job, man. I know I didn't give you much, but I hope this at least helps a bit.
(BTW, thanks for the crit on mine. I appreciate it.)
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#7
I know what you mean about common or overused verbs, and I agree completely. However, I wasn't really aiming to create anything that was based around fancy imagery or anything (which is rare for me, as I usually write really overwrought stuff aha). Thanks for the crit though, and I look forward to seeing some more stuff by you.