#1
This is, perhaps, the most poppy, cliched thing I've ever written, but it sure felt good. I know it's far from great, but I think I squeezed a few pretty good lines in there.

You're Gone

Verse:
I'd choose to run, I'd choose to kneel,
I'd choose to free fall
If I thought it would bring you back
I'd choose to do it all
I'd decide to hitch-hike
From Georgia back to there
If I could see your smile again
I'd go anywhere

Verse:
I know that I'm no adult
And I'll never claim to be
But old folks would have heart attacks
If they'd see what I've seen
I've seen the start, I've seen the end
I've seen heaven in your smile
But now I'm here in Hell and
I think I'll stay here for a while

Chorus:
You're gone, gone, long gone
And I'm too tired or lazy to move along
Sins anr sins, and that won't change
But now and then things rearrange
But you're gone, gone, long gone

Verse:
People laugh behind my back
When they think that I don't see
But it's nothing I'm not used to
It doesn't bother me
Friends keep on asking how
I get along so well
It's not that I'm not bleeding
It's that I'm too red to tell (this is my favorite line in the song)

(Chorus)

Bridge:
I'm not sure if I'm seeing things
Or if it's something more
I saw you in the mountain tops
and right there off the shore
I'm starting to wonder
If I'm going mad
Well, crazy comes and crazy goes
And this ain't all that bad

(chorus)
#2
I don't know what made her leave, but if I was your girlfriend and I heard that song I'd come running back.
I think, therefore I am...an atheist.


Quote by NaNazFynst808
what is pwned??


four.


twenty


oh


six.



ten.
#3
Quote by SprdJlyNotHate
I don't know what made her leave, but if I was your girlfriend and I heard that song I'd come running back.


I gotta tell you, nobody actually left me, the whole thng just kinda came to me.
#4
Quote by Devil_Duck
This is, perhaps, the most poppy, cliched thing I've ever written, but it sure felt good. I know it's far from great, but I think I squeezed a few pretty good lines in there.

You're Gone

Verse:
I'd choose to run, I'd choose to kneel,
I'd choose to free fall
If I thought it would bring you back
I'd choose to do it all
I'd decide to hitch-hike
From Georgia back to there
If I could see your smile again
I'd go anywhere

Verse:
I know that I'm no adult
And I'll never claim to be
But old folks would have heart attacks
If they'd see what I've seen
I've seen the start, I've seen the end
I've seen heaven in your smile
But now I'm here in Hell and
I think I'll stay here for a while

L3 is a bit forced .

Chorus:
You're gone, gone, long gone
And I'm too tired or lazy to move along
Sins anr sins, and that won't change
But now and then things rearrange
But you're gone, gone, long gone


Chorus is good dn't change it
Verse:
People laugh behind my back
When they think that I don't see
But it's nothing I'm not used to
It doesn't bother me
Friends keep on asking how
I get along so well
It's not that I'm not bleeding
It's that I'm too red to tell (this is my favorite line in the song)


this vers flows excellently . i liked the narration over here.your fav. line is mine also

(Chorus)

Bridge:
I'm not sure if I'm seeing things
Or if it's something more
I saw you in the mountain tops
and right there off the shore
I'm starting to wonder
If I'm going mad
Well, crazy comes and crazy goes
And this ain't all that bad

try "well crazy moments come and goes "
just athought

(chorus)


overall its good. sort of a cliche like u said but hey whatever works man. i think all cliches should be re writtern in far more superior manner


Feel free to crit mine but don't feel obliged
Hi
#5
Yes it is cliche. But you did add touches that give it life. Like throwing in Georgia and the blood/red line. I like stuff like that.
What the hell is wrong with Bobby Hill
#6
And, I almost forgot, I'm going Crit4Crit, though it may take some time and if I really have nothing to say I may just skip it.