#1
This is an acoustic song i wrote last night, it's really mellow,
it has a kinda folk/alternative feel to it! but yea let me know what you guys think of it, and let me know if i need to put an outro there instead of ending on the chorus!


She's Seen The Devil

I was rolling dice the other night,
When you came into the light,
You had the look of fear stamped to your eyes,
Without an alibi,
All the men at the bar looked in delight,
While you stood so cold,
The ground was removed of all it's dirt,
and of you your soul,

It's a lonely night,
For me and you,
It's a lonely night, (Repeat)

As the night turned brighter you should have said,
The many thoughts that's in your head,
Like the times you use to stratch and bled,
From those marks he left embed,

I can't beleive you've done so well,
Knowing your always living in hell,
With the voices you heard and the demons you met,
There's no reason there's an end to it,

It's a lonely night,
For me and you,
It's a lonely night, (Repeat)
Last edited by lambofgodfold at Mar 20, 2007,
#2
Quote by lambofgodfold
This is an acoustic song i wrote last night, it's really mellow,
it has a kinda folk/alternative feel to it! but yea let me know what you guys think of it, and let me know if i need to put an outro there instead of ending on the chorus!


She's Seen The Devil

I was rolling dice the other night,
When you came into the light,
You had the look of fear stamped to your eyes,
Without an alibi,
All the men at the bar looked in delight,
While you stood so cold,
The ground was removed of all it's dirt,
and of you your soul,

I like it, a very sound stanza, the only line that seems not to fit is the second last one, I may be missing the meaning, but otherwise my point stands.

It's a lonely night,
For me and you,
It's a lonely night, (Repeat)

Simple, effective, spot on.

As the night turned brighter you should have said,
The many thoughts that's in your head,
Like the times you use to stratch and bled,
From those marks he left embed,

Feels quite forced, with a few words being used out of tense or context, they're probably worth having a good look at, i've put them in bold.


I can't beleive you've done so well,
Knowing your always living in hell,
With the voices you heard and the demons you met,
There's no reason there's an end to it,

This doesn't seem to close, and the last line seems to fall out of the rhyme structure, not sure if it's intentional or not, but it doesn't seem to work. Always seems like the wrong word in the second line, but the rest is pretty solid.


It's a lonely night,
For me and you,
It's a lonely night, (Repeat)


I few flaws with this piece, but a good effort, and i've charmed by the 8 word chorus. 4/5.

[if you'd like to crit anything of mine, have a free choice from my sig]