#1
I Knew that when i met you
It was more than when you met me
I knew that when that when i left you
It ment more then when you left me

You dont know
You Dont know
She doesnt
Care about
Anyone but her
He doesnt
Care about
Anyone But her

When he walked out side
She was there
When he walked out side
She didnt care
You notice me after I leave
I notice you everytime i could breathe


You dont know
You Dont know
She doesnt
Care about
Anyone but her
He doesnt
Care about
Anyone But her

but ill try
#2
Quote by Stairwaytofloyd
I Knew that when i met you
It was more than when you met me
I knew that when that when i left you
It ment more then when you left me
this verse is alright but in my opinion, i think it wasnt clearly thought out. It sounds rather sketchy and choppy and doesnt really flow/fit well together

You dont know
You Dont know
She doesnt
Care about
Anyone but her
He doesnt
Care about
Anyone But her
good message dude... but this too is choppy.. it doesnt really flow and it sounds rushed... maybe if you put a little bit more time and effort in, this would be a semi-successul song

When he walked out side
She was there
When he walked out side
She didnt care
You notice me after I leave
I notice you everytime i could breathe
this is probably the best verse/lines in the entire song. this is one of the only parts i wouldnt hardcore change

You dont know
You Dont know
She doesnt
Care about
Anyone but her
He doesnt
Care about
Anyone But her

but ill try


im sorry i had to negative crit you but i thought that it would only help you become a better writer and hep you to improve your piece. I think you can make this good but at the moment, it seems rushed and not thought out. so sorry for the bad crit... crit mine? the first one in my sig thanks buddy and keep it up
Quote by MightyAl
Incest, the game the whole family can play. Now for ages 3+