#1
Dangling on a string,
of molten milk;
Singling out a pang
of rotten guilt;
Flaming chars
sliding down your-
Spinal fluid building
crystalized lifelines,
relasped, detatched,
from the light house.

A nasty haze develops
each startled particle parting
with a vicious bite.
"What a lovely souvenir."
A movement lasts a moment,
stretching end-to-end
of estrogen centuries.

A sweaty palm,
oiled in poison,
gropes at stone,
but falls away-
Diamonds are
slicker tombs
than you thought.

Encased in your own
jeweled jam jar
of precious preserves.
You scratch at the glass,
once thought so fraught
with temptation.

I suppose you got what you deserved,
My Little Gremlin Gem.


This is a new style I'm experimenting with. Any comments or crits are very much appreciated. CRIT4CRIT, of course. Thanks.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#2
Quote by nerk13
Dangling on a string,
of molten milk;
Singling out a pang
of rotten guilt;haha thats the greatest rhyme ever... i love it
Flaming chars
sliding down your-
Spinal fluid building
crystalized lifelines,
relasped, detatched,
from the light house.this is good too but i think it kind of skips places... " Flaming chars sliding down your- Spinal fluid building" ?? it doesnt really make sense to me... im a stupid 14 year old but i try

A nasty haze develops
each startled particle parting
with a vicious bite.
"What a lovely souvenir."
A movement lasts a moment,
stretching end-to-end
of estrogen centuries.thats really awesome. sounds like something i would hear from the band Alesana or something. i think this verse flows well and is very visual and figurative

A sweaty palm,
oiled in poison,
gropes at stone,
but falls away-
Diamonds are
slicker tombs
than you thought.this is also really good. i like the first half up to diamonds best. From diamonds on, at first it misled me but i read it again and it all made sense i think its great

Encased in your own
jeweled jam jar
of precious preserves.
You scratch at the glass,
once thought so fraught
with temptation. figurative, descriptive, well written, flows nicely and i think it gives me the best visual in all of your song. my favorite verse in a long time.. you have a talent with words

I suppose you got what you deserved,
My Little Gremlin Gem.okay?


This is a new style I'm experimenting with. Any comments or crits are very much appreciated. CRIT4CRIT, of course. Thanks.


overall... i love it so muchly. baha but no seriously. i think some of the verses struggle but then at the same time, other verses thrive. I think you should revise this piece to make the weak verses stronger because this is truly fine work. I think you've got talent and you should work to make this good song a great song. keep it up dude (oh yeah and if you got time, crit the first one in my sig?) thanks
Quote by MightyAl
Incest, the game the whole family can play. Now for ages 3+