#1

"There's a real lack of dryness in your wit you need
to improve on and some nicotine in your bloodstream."

You want I should speak French?
Poor advice.
#2
Very very odd, but very very good! The only thing I would say is I noticed a lot of "Rush and a Push and the Land that we stand on is ours" by the Smiths references. I've not got a problem with references, I think often it's a beneficial thing to do and it can be seen as a bit tongue-in-cheek, but I'm not sure they weren't a bit too obvious. But apart from that, I loved the imagery, the language is very good and adds to the bizzarre-ness. I liked it. I'd be interested to see what kind of music it's put to! I especially liked the "You want I should speak French?" part - I assume it's deliberate but as a langages student I chuckled at it because obviously that's how the subjunctive should work in English, but obviously it doesn't because we've grown to omit it. Very clever stuff and it made me chuckle! I thought the second stanza was by the far the best, particularly the latter half.

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#5

"There's a real lack of dryness in your wit you need
to improve on and some nicotine in your bloodstream."

You want I should speak French?
Ha, very nice. Not much to criticize, the quotations fit very well within the scheme of the poem and it doesn't feel forced at all.
#6

"There's a real lack of dryness in your wit you need
to improve on and some nicotine in your bloodstream."

You want I should speak French?
Wade in the water, child.
#7
This sounds like a random collection of obtuse thoughts. Is this the concept of the song?
Encore God & Asomodai- UG JHS Brotherhood

Encore God: fighting UG Zeppelin-centrism since 2002.
#8
Mmm.

I like it but it seems to be lacking in your style. Like it sort of seems like I saw through this, despite however wrong my personal interpretation may be from what it's actually made of. Good writing, just not relative to your standards.


I don't know what I'm talking about.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#9
yeah, this kind of stumbled along for a while...not much of a connection between very many of the thoughts. I like how you ended it, thoughit seems like an ending to a different piece. But that doesn't take away from the good feeling I got from some of the lines. Close to brilliant, as always.