#1
Ok I just wrote this in study hall so here it goes, I didnt arrange it like intro,verse,chorus and blah blah blah but how is it. Im writing this for my band borrowed time.


Borrowed Time- Found My Place


Shaking, trembling, filled with fear
Welcome to hell bitch there’s no friends here
Everything’s dark but nothings so bright
Feel your flesh melt as your crawling for the light


Everything subliminal hidden so well
Trying to find a way to escape this hell
I feel weighted down and can’t get away
Let myself burn and begin to pray


No friends here, no one to trust
My flesh burns to ashes my bones burn to dust
Hold my head as I scream for help
Nobody cares cause I’m burning in hell

The sky’s always dark, the air feels thick
No holy water, no crucifix
As I grow tired I sleep on the thorns
My only friend three digits between his horns

I know that there’s something out there waiting for me
It’s a thing called destiny


Your skin is burnt
Yet I kiss your face
I hate to admit it but I’ve found my place.
#2
Quote by bodom0420
Ok I just wrote this in study hall so here it goes, I didnt arrange it like intro,verse,chorus and blah blah blah but how is it. Im writing this for my band borrowed time.


Borrowed Time- Found My Place


Shaking, trembling, filled with fear
Welcome to hell bitch there’s no friends here
Everything’s dark but nothings so bright
Feel your flesh melt as your crawling for the light

Good intro, not sure about the second line though - perhaps I'm missing something. IMO 'as you crawl for the light' would flow better in the last line. Still, a nice first stanza

Everything subliminal hidden so well
Trying to find a way to escape this hell
I feel weighted down and can’t get away
Let myself burn and begin to pray

The first line I like, the second and third I'm not sure on - they seem slightly bland. Also shouldn't it be 'weighed' not 'weighted'? I'm liking the last line a lot though, and this stanza does have a pretty good flow going on

No friends here, no one to trust
My flesh burns to ashes my bones burn to dust
Hold my head as I scream for help
Nobody cares cause I’m burning in hell

I would change one of the two 'burns' in line two, I don't feel the repitition is particuarly effective here. Maybe 'turns' would work - and provide a little interior rhyming. The last two lines are simple, but effective

The sky’s always dark, the air feels thick
No holy water, no crucifix
As I grow tired I sleep on the thorns
My only friend three digits between his horns

Probably my favourite stanza of the piece, the imagery is a lot better here. Though I would be tempted to change the last line to 'My friend has three digits between his horns' for better flow. A better stanza though, I like it

I know that there’s something out there waiting for me
It’s a thing called destiny

Not much to say, nice couple of lines if a bit cliched.

Your skin is burnt
Yet I kiss your face
I hate to admit it but I’ve found my place.


Last stanza is good, brings a sense of wrapping up to the piece.
Overall a decent piece, though simple, that may benefit from some more colourful imagery in places. Good work though.
Super Leeds and Classy Cas!
#3
seeing as how your username says "bodom", which means your probably a COB fan, which means you probably play really fast thrasy metal, and these lyrics would be great for a song like that.
Run, Run Farmer. Screaming! Bloody Murder
The daughters of question have been murdered!
Murdered! Murdered!
#4
Shaking, trembling, filled with fear
Welcome to hell bitch there’s no friends here
Everything’s dark but nothings so bright
Feel your flesh melt as you crawl for the light


Everything subliminal hidden so well
Trying to find a way to escape this hell
I feel weighed down and can’t get away
Let myself burn and begin to pray


No friends here, no one to trust
My flesh burns to ashes my bones burn to dust
Hold my head as I scream for help
Nobody cares cause I’m burning in hell

The sky’s always dark, the air feels thick
No holy water, no crucifix
As I grow tired I sleep on the thorns
My friend has three digits between his horns

I know that there’s something out there waiting for me
It’s a thing called destiny


Your skin is burnt
Yet I kiss your face
I hate to admit it but I’ve found my place.


Thanks GreenDayChrisis I fixed it with your suggestions, thanks for the help. Im definetaly not a song writer or a singer and this was my secound attempt at writing a song. I dont realy plan on making it as heavy as a song as youd think.


I know that there’s something out there waiting for me
It’s a thing called destiny
<<<< That wasnt ment to be their but Ill probaly use it for a bridge or something. who knows. thanks alot tho man.