#1
Hey peeps. This is just a freeverse poem and I just felt like writing it one day. I would be thankful for some crit, and of course I will crit back. Thanks

"My Answer"
Self-pride. What is self-pride? I don’t know.
But although I don’t know now, I did once know.
When I was younger. That’s when I knew what self-pride meant.
When I was younger.
That’s when I was proud that my father drove a truck for a living.
That’s when I thought every president looked like George Washington.
When I was younger.
That’s when I was proud to tell people my name, even if they never asked.
And from within that sense of immaturity sprang self-pride.
I think, in a way, pride comes from one’s past.
I’m certain it can be found in the present, and may can be seen in the future,
But it must begin in the past.
I still own these memories that once led to self-pride,
But they have changed.
I can still see my past, but it has become blurry.
Within my teenage years I have striven to become something,
Something that someone else wants me to be.
And with my drive to be as the world wants me, I have rejected my past.
The past that I was once proud of.
We, me and you, swore we wouldn’t lose, but then lost our way.
I have become ashamed of everything I once knew and loved.
Love. That has to be a part of self-pride.
I must love where I came from. I must love who I am.
I must learn to love every little flaw that causes me to stumble on my road to perfection.
For, in a way, that is what will make me perfect.
The time for reflection is now,
But there is no time now for reflection.
I need time to appreciate my past and in that appreciation, discover my future.
For in the past we discover pride, but it is in the future where I must discover myself.
For now I can’t explain what self-pride truly means.
I can tell you that I am willing to accept my past, and embrace my future,
And in some sense, in some unexpected awakening, maybe that is self-pride.

Thanks thats it. Oh and yes I did use a lyric from +44 in there, but its ok in poems, so dont get me for that one.
Fender Jazz Bass (lefty)
Epiphone Les Paul (lefty)
#2
anybody? I knows its poetry and not lyrics, but surely somebody has something to say.
Fender Jazz Bass (lefty)
Epiphone Les Paul (lefty)
#3
Critique a few others and link your piece, then you'll get crits.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#4
Quote by big_chuck
Hey peeps. This is just a freeverse poem and I just felt like writing it one day. I would be thankful for some crit, and of course I will crit back. Thanks

"My Answer"
Self-pride. What is self-pride? I don’t know.
But although I don’t know now, I did once know.

Cool line i like he ideas =) I kinda think the 2nd line might be better "I did know once" but it's just an idea.

When I was younger. That’s when I knew what self-pride meant.
When I was younger.

the repetition of when i was youger really adds emphasis to the passage.

That’s when I was proud that my father drove a truck for a living.

it kinda show ...youthfull innocence? Cause of the preide over normal things very cool.
maybe "for his living" might flow better cause "a truck for a living" i get kinda stuck woth the 2 letter a s

That’s when I thought every president looked like George Washington.
When I was younger.

again the "when i was younger" i think that ties the whole thing together well

That’s when I was proud to tell people my name, even if they never asked.
And from within that sense of immaturity sprang self-pride.

maybe "springs" instead of sprang?

I think, in a way, pride comes from one’s past.
I’m certain it can be found in the present, and may can be seen in the future,

"and may" did you mean "and maybe"?

But it must begin in the past.
I still own these memories that once led to self-pride,
But they have changed.
I can still see my past, but it has become blurry.
Within my teenage years I have striven to become something,

Maybe just " strove" intead of "have striven"?

Something that someone else wants me to be.

is the "wants me to be" Necessary?

And with my drive to be as the world wants me, I have rejected my past.
The past that I was once proud of.
We, me and you, swore we wouldn’t lose, but then lost our way.
I have become ashamed of everything I once knew and loved.
Love. That has to be a part of self-pride.
I must love where I came from. I must love who I am.
I must learn to love every little flaw that causes me to stumble on my road to perfection.

"perfection" it kinda fits but maybe a less perfect word? like happiness

For, in a way, that is what will make me perfect.

maybe "happiness" again?

The time for reflection is now,
But there is no time now for reflection.
I need time to appreciate my past and in that appreciation, discover my future.
For in the past we discover pride, but it is in the future where I must discover myself.

"but it is in" that's kinda of a mouthfull, maybe "but in the future i must discover myself"

For now I can’t explain what self-pride truly means.
I can tell you that I am willing to accept my past, and embrace my future,
And in some sense, in some unexpected awakening, maybe that is self-pride.

Really sweet ending!

Thanks thats it. Oh and yes I did use a lyric from +44 in there, but its ok in poems, so dont get me for that one.



Really Cool Peom..! Maybe you could put into lyrics someday? Like a long epic song..it would be retty sweet..all in all I really like it

It has a cool uplifting feeling and seems very well writin =)


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=8650201#post8650201

c4c?

my crit wasn't really great, i am really new but a crit would be wonderfull =)
#6
Thanks I'll be critiquing yours as soon as I can.
Fender Jazz Bass (lefty)
Epiphone Les Paul (lefty)
#7
A very intelligent piece. I totally agree with DiedLaughing666. Maybe get some classical backing and make it really epic and speak it. I particuarly enjoyed the piece on the love theme and also the reflection. Sorry I can't give such a detailed response as you did mine (thanks very much btw!) as I am new to this forum but from this piece, you appear very well informed and intellectual. Well constructed also.
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