Lets Set Sail for the Bottom Of the sea,
In search of treasure
Not defined by gold or silver
a hopeless task, We dream to succeed,
There's a lost city
Surrounded by life
Of an erupted volcano
With the fire in the sky,
The Same as the fire in your eyes
a ship is sinking
Do you hear that blast?
Should We, Should I go on,
The treasure is chased
By colliding ships
I dont think we can win
But then how do you win
when your thoughts
race faster then you?
The machines malfunctioning
And I'm not sure how to fix it
I've lost track of the trail
and i cant find my finish line
all I know now is that
I’ve seen the fathoms
Of the great seas
And I realized
What we should teach
The children of the free
Last edited by thefoundationof at Mar 29, 2007,
Dude, I cannot give a fair critique of this. I am not open-minded enough or maybe even intellegent enough to do so. This type of stuff just isn't my thing. I just can't get past the symbology use. I suppose I am to much a realist. But I do like what you are trying to convey your message through, the whole ship and sea thing, that is pretty cool. It kind of reminds me of that Brand New song, the closer on their second album, I forgot the name.
What the hell is wrong with Bobby Hill
A little vague. Add a little more meaning, or people will think you're spewing random poetic nonsense just to sound intellectual. Don't worry, I know you're not.
how could i add a little more meaning?

(im not a very experienced writter im only thirteen so yea)
Try to be a little less figurative. Just a tiiiiny bit. Give a subtle clue as to what you're talking about.