#1
Monestary Depths


In our hearts there holds desire
deciet and regreat's wont let us tire
None set free or put to slave
all hope was buried in with thier graves

just five strong we carry on
God now holds our fate
On to glory or our grave
the monestary awaits

resistance met, thier will is strong
the time for peace is long since gone
We'll break thier minds, and take thier live
purge the land that once was ours


-Not finished yet, just want to see if the structure/theme seems alright sofar
#2
Monestary Depths


In our hearts there holds desire
[b[deceit and regrets wont let us tire
None set free or put to slave
all hope was buried in with their graves

Good opening, creates quite a mysterious tone for the piece. I would take the 'with' out of the last line though. Nice stanza though.

just five strong we carry on
God now holds our fate
On to glory or our grave
the monestary awaits

Another good stanza, not much to say here - it's pretty simple but effective.

resistance met, thier will is strong
the time for peace is long since gone
We'll break thier minds, and take thier live
purge the land that once was ours

I would change 'is' to 'has' in the second line. 'Live' should be 'lives'. The last line doesn't seem to fit, mainly due to the strict rhyming of the rest of the piece.

-Not finished yet, just want to see if the structure/theme seems alright sofar

Some good ideas here, would be interested to hear the rest of it.
Super Leeds and Classy Cas!