#1
I’ll watch you stare at the blinding lights in the sky.
With eyes that don’t truly see
You glance away, with total disinterest
Because that’s the way you are? I doubt it.
I’ll watch you laugh at the gates of hell
With your face that isn’t scared
Walk away, because you don’t care
Death doesn’t scare you? I doubt it.
I watch your smile as I confront you with words
Phrased in ways that you haven’t seen before
And I notice the hurt that is obvious beyond the surface
You’re not just another conformed face? I doubt it.

crit for crit. i know the "doubt it" is a little repetitive, but, i dont know. crit for crit.
The only truly consistent people are dead people.

#2
Quote by darkangel322
I’ll watch you stare at the blinding lights in the sky.

i don't think there is really need of "at" word stare that you used express it all

With eyes that don’t truly see
You glance away, with total disinterest
Because that’s the way you are? I doubt it.
I’ll watch you laugh at the gates of hell
With your face that isn’t scared
Walk away, because you don’t care
instead of because you can use since.what ifeel is the more you keep reader indulge in your piece the better you are. instead of providing them with reason, you can leave them with a fact or an interpretation.if you understand what i am trying to say
Death doesn’t scare you? I doubt it.
I watch your smile as I confront you with words
really liked this line
Phrased in ways that you haven’t seen before
try "phrasing it in a way , you haven't heard it before"
And I notice the hurt that is obvious beyond the surface
You’re not just another conformed face? I doubt it.

nice ending


crit for crit. i know the "doubt it" is a little repetitive, but, i dont know. crit for crit.


well as for the whole repetitiveness of doubt it is concerned . i think you can use some alteration like i know it or i feel it to show that instead of being confused you are certain about it.

overall as a piece it is good.i like it i feel like it's something straight frm ur heart
Hi
#3
man, i like it but i dont understand it at all and i really want to... so a little help please?
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#4
well. i dont really know how to explain it. i guess its about feeling that someone you know has changed so much, that you dont even know them anymore.
i dont really know how else to put it to words. you jsut have to be me. =) thanks both of you. ill get to you stuff later
The only truly consistent people are dead people.

#5
Quote by darkangel322
I’ll watch you stare at the blinding lights in the sky.
With eyes that don’t truly see
You glance away, with total disinterest
Because that’s the way you are? I doubt it.
awesome start. this seems very unique so far. interested i am
I’ll watch you laugh at the gates of hell
With your face that isn’t scared
Walk away, because you don’t care
Death doesn’t scare you? I doubt it.
i really like the last two lines but i'm not really feeling the "gates of hell" it just seemed a little out of place. and "with your face that isn't scared" sounds a little awkward. maybe just "with a face that isn't scared" ..tiny suggestion.
I watch your smile as I confront you with words
Phrased in ways that you haven’t seen before
there is something very clever about this. i really like the way its worded.
And I notice the hurt that is obvious beyond the surface
You’re not just another conformed face? I doubt it.
very nice ending. and i actually really like the repetition. i think it adds a lot.


crit for crit. i know the "doubt it" is a little repetitive, but, i dont know. crit for crit.


very nice overall. i was really impressed with some of the lines.
#7
this song is intresting..i dont mind the duob it part at all but some parts..kinda...hmm didnt seem to fit...but the rest of the song is good! i bet if u changed a couple words u could make it better ! still its nice as it is lol just a suggestion, i think its good
#9
the repetition doesn't seem to be a problem.
to me it feels like a recurring them.
I'll watch opens each one, the same way I doubt it. closes
i actually like that pattern.

this work seems to bridge between conversation and drama.
i'm going to approach this from the direction of adding more drama.
if that isn't what you want, just ignore most of this.

avoiding contractions will make it more dramatic.
especially the ones replacing not.
putting this in the present, rather than the future tense, might make it flow better.
this will also get rid of many contractions.
I'll ---becomes-- I

consider changing

With your face that isn’t scared -- to -- With a face that is not scared

other than that, i think the other options i saw for tweaking that you might consider, have already been mentioned.
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#10
I’ll watch you stare at the blinding lights in the sky.
With eyes that don’t truly see
You glance away, with total disinterest
Because that’s the way you are? I doubt it.
I like the imagery you use in this stanza. I really wouldn't change anything here.
I’ll watch you laugh at the gates of hell
With your face that isn’t scared
Walk away, because you don’t care
Death doesn’t scare you? I doubt it.
I can really connect to this stanza. I'm not even gonna try and guess what this means to you, because I hate when people try and guess what my song is about. But I get a real personal connection with it.
I watch your smile as I confront you with words
Phrased in ways that you haven’t seen before
And I notice the hurt that is obvious beyond the surface
You’re not just another conformed face? I doubt it.
All in all, I like the repetition or "I'll watch" and "I doubt it". I think you should change the I watch in this stanza to I'll watch. Pretty unimportant really. This is really short, I wish you would keep the theme going, but if it's not what you're feeling at the time, it's not what you're feeling. Really Good!