#1
This is poetry, I'm not sure if I have an intent to make it into a song or not.

Bound in the confinements
Of life and death
This life
Isn't worth living

This disease
Is not physical
It's pain
Overwhelming

Tears like a river
Hair all mangled
Face contorted
And fists clenched

No man can help
No angel can alter the course
No demon can kill me
Either way, it ends in blood

Bound in the confinements
Of a new place
It's neither Heaven nor Hell
I'm building my path out

The light
Blinding in my eyes
Two holes
In the palms of my hands

This crown of thorns...
I break through to
My New Kingdom


-westo

If you have ideas to make this into a song, it'd be appreciated. I'm not too good at making complete songs. I either write the lyrics or the music, but hardly ever both

Thanks
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We are the music makers, we are the dreamers of dreams.
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#3
Quote by ResidentRocker
I was not a big fan of it until the last stanza. the religious imagery was pretty cool.


improvements?
███████████████
We are the music makers, we are the dreamers of dreams.
████████████
#4
Quote by westo
This is poetry, I'm not sure if I have an intent to make it into a song or not.

Bound in the confinements
Of life and death
This life
Isn't worth living

really good opener. i like it.

This disease
Is not physical
It's pain
Overwhelming

may be you can use some word after it's like"it's my pain...."just to give it a more meaning

Tears like a river
Hair all mangled
Face contorted
And fists clenched


flow is not that good maybe you can tweak it a liitle bit

No man can help
No angel can alter the course
No demon can kill me
Either way, it ends in blood

try "either way, blood's spilled on the floor"

Bound in the confinements
Of a new place
It's neither Heaven nor Hell
I'm building my path out

The light
Blinding in my eyes
Two holes
In the palms of my hands

This crown of thorns...
I break through to
My New Kingdom

ending is good



-westo

If you have ideas to make this into a song, it'd be appreciated. I'm not too good at making complete songs. I either write the lyrics or the music, but hardly ever both

Thanks


As for as making it as a song is concerned . i think it's better as a poem.
if you want to make both music an d a song you have to be a bit focused. try melody section of tips thread . it will help you on that.

crit mine if you can.link is in sign
Hi
#5
I'm going to bold the lines etc that I see on this forum pretty much everyday, making them cliche and unoriginal.

Bound in the confinements
Of life and death
This life
Isn't worth living


This disease
Is not physical
It's pain
Overwhelming

Tears like a river
Hair all mangled
Face contorted
And fists clenched

No man can help
No angel can alter the course
No demon can kill me
Either way, it ends in blood

Bound in the confinements
Of a new place
It's neither Heaven nor Hell
I'm building my path out

The light
Blinding in my eyes

Two holes
In the palms of my hands

This crown of thorns...
I break through to
My New Kingdom

It got better towards the end, though this piece can be made far more original and interesting than it is