#1
Rough, unfinished, overly personal, crit for crit.

I somewhat miss the constant sense of motion
(of going somewhere faster than I could turn back around)
that sent wind flying through my face and hair all messed and wild and free-
That going-forward feeling that you get
when you've run in place for long enough.

And I somewhat regret how that ended
when your lips and my lips met as if by accident
and you asked what I was thinking and I said nothing at all
the curious freezing that we felt
(motion sickness from the sudden stop)
and the quietness that followed
(gray-green jackets and sardonic smiles all melting into one)

so if I can't go round in circles
then I might as well stand still
with the dust from ceiling rafters
and the chills from winter nightfall
hovering, fluttering next to me.
#2
I thought this was a pretty good piece and I enjoyed reading. Albeit, it was kind of rough, due to the lack of flow and rhythm. Nevertheless, I don't think you need to change this piece piece. Maybe you can write a more "polished" song-like piece tackiling this same subject again, but as it stands, this is really good as a freeverse. Personally, I thinki you change the phrase, "grey-green jackets", I thinkthat line makes it a little too personal, but that's just my opinion. Oh by the way my favorite line was "So if I can't go around in circle/Then I might as well just stand still." Anyways, nice job and keep it up.

Crit mine please?
I Love Your Show
#3
Thanks for the crit. It was definitely intended as a free verse poem rather than a song, and that jacket line was the one that gave me the most trouble. I do like the effect of having most of the poem be fairly clear and direct and then having a sort of metaphorical commentary on it in parentheses, but I had some trouble coming up with a line to end the second verse.
#4
I somewhat miss the constant sense of motion
(of going somewhere faster than I could turn back around)
that sent wind flying through my face and hair all messed and wild and free-
That going-forward feeling that you get
when you've run in place for long enough.
Good first stanza, though you seem to hover over your idea for tad bit too long in a sense all five lines seem to tackle the same subject. But it's solid and flows well.

And I somewhat regret how that ended
when your lips and my lips met as if by accident
and you asked what I was thinking and I said nothing at all
the curious freezing that we felt
(motion sickness from the sudden stop)
and the quietness that followed
(gray-green jackets and sardonic smiles all melting into one)
Better here. The first two lines are good. The first line in parenthases works better than the second one, which seems forced a bit.

so if I can't go round in circles
then I might as well stand still
with the dust from ceiling rafters
and the chills from winter nightfall
hovering, fluttering next to me.
This is my favorite stanza. Not much to improve on. It suceeds in it's simplicity

Wish I had more to say, but I'm in a bit of a rush. Anyway, there's your full crit mate.
Poor advice.
#5
Hey, sorry for the delay on the crit return...

I was bored at the beginning, this piece definitely gets better as you go along. I read the first stanza and thought "meh," it's kind of lackluster in my opinion but it sets up the piece fine. Then the second stanza surprised me in comparison, really great stuff there with the concepts and the subtle rhyming. Though I feel the phrase "sardonic smiles" feels out of place for some reason, nothing really nit-picky here. The last stanza was pretty much amazing. Overall I really liked this piece. Slow to start, but a great finish.