#1
Hey this my newest song. I haven't desided on a title yet I could do The Man In Your Brain, but I think thats kinda lame so any suggestions are appreciated. And I'm sorry THW, I know this is my third of the week I think(depending on when you say the week starts), but I'm going on vacation so I won't have any new songs/poems for a while, and I want to be able to check it when I get back and crit everyone who crits mine then. So here it is thanks for looking.

I am the man in your brain,
Though I’m seldom present.
Only after that drop of rain,
You think you hate me, my friend.
But I do not come to torment,
I come to show you the way.
The way to another plane.

Come with me if you seek salvation,
Follow the others you thirst damnation.
I have come in peace to set you free,
In the other side there is only glee.
I’ve come to you like a bolt of fire,
I’ll shock you with all of your desire

You know that I have the illustrious key.
The key to the doors of perception,
I will show you wonders; that I guarantee.
Inside the door, a monastery of dreams,
No, this is not a magnificent deception.
I speak only the truth, and show only axiom.
The world I offer is the beyond, I promise thee.

Come with me if you seek salvation,
Follow the others you thirst damnation.
I have come in peace to set you free,
In the other side there is only glee.
I’ve come to you like a bolt of fire,
I’ll shock you with all of your desire

Are you ready to take the grand journey?
We must set sail without fear or hesitation,
All I offer is the chance to be truly free.
I do not wish infliction or your ruin,
I send to you a divine revelation.
You will see I am the pious seraph,
I am not the devils wrathful banshee.

Come with me if you seek salvation,
Follow the others you thirst damnation.
I have come in peace to set you free,
In the other side there is only glee.
I’ve come to you like a bolt of fire,
I’ll shock you with all of your desire.

Thanks again
#3
I like the rhyme scheme, although the "free/glee" part does seem a little bit forced. Other than that, the rhyming is very well done. The first verse kind of rubbed me the wrong way -- I felt that it seemed a little cliche, I think, but the rest of the poem more than made up for it. It might be better if you don't state the identity of the character in the first stanza, but these are all just opinion. I also like the concept of the piece, it's a unique point of view for a song. Overall, I thought the piece was very neat - it reminds me of Sympathy for the Devil =)

Thanks for the crit on mine btw
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#5
Wow. Best song I've read on here I think. I'm trying to find anything that I can to crit, lets see. I keep coming to these two lines in the first verse.

Only after that drop of rain,
You think you hate me, my friend.


I'm stuck on it. The whole "my friend" thing is kind of tough for me to pass off as a solid part of that verse. I like what you're saying in that line, but I think it would be more effective if you changed the wording so that it doesn't interrupt the flow.


That said, awesome song. I envy your skill.
#6
I really enjoyed this.
I think its a great idea for a song in the first place, really original and then the flow and vocab is perfect. The is not much wrong with this at all. I do have to dissagree tho i like the "my friend' part for the same reason he dislikes it. It stickes out, no enough to disrupt the song (for me at least) but enogh to ad character and a little spunk (and i realise thats a gay word to use, but i couldnt think of anyhting else) or punch. I think this is deffintly a winner and is pretty much perfect in every way. other then title. however im not even gonna ateemp to help you there, cause your in a whole other leauge lol.
If you dont mind crit some of my acustic stuff:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=604981
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=604975

thanks
#7
You posted in the GB&C subforum, my usual haunt, and I decided to click the link on your sig ... I like it! From my perspective, it would kick even more ass if ... you went full-blown with the religious tone AND/OR distort it and come up with the opposite.

Perhaps you can split it ... ethereal or rhythmic (single coils played clean) music for the righteous/goody 2 shoes part and chugging, heavy tone (humbuckers or 7-strings) on the damned to hell portion.