#1
the day before the flood - tasting salt
I stood there for a while. The offerings given during her funeral remained. I had assumed that nobody attended, but there were actually quite a few cadeaux, as she would say. The stone was stained by the color of rose blood, as if a rose had been crucified on it in the manner of Christ himself. There was no white robe, and certainly no tears. This was truly terrifying. My own sister, the one I had visited every other day for a year, until her death.

She had been diagnosed with congenital heart disease. She was going to die standing; there was no doubt. However, she chose to mark her death with a different label and time. Her heart would beat unevenly, they said. No treatment possible.

There was a boy nearby, standing at one of the graves, about a year away from us. He was attempting to correct a gravestone. How silly of him. The engraver follows the directions of the dead, there is nothing to be corrected. Regardless, the event was intriguing. I watched him for a while, as it provided a diversion from the task at hand. After a period of time I can't recall, he grew frustrated and disappeared into the shadow behind a grave in the row ahead of us. He must have made a mistake; wrong grave, maybe?

I had almost given up. At the last moment, as is typical in victory stories, an image entered.
My sister crouching on my three by three plot, watering me. My indifference to the gardening goddess who is gracing me.

The clouds released their burdens onto their shadows, and I was drenched. I stuck out my tongue to catch the newly created water, only to taste the tears of Romans. There is no such thing as new water.

No, she doesn't work here. They just make her stand around. I unearthed my gravestone, placed it onto my shoulders and attempted to outrun the lone raincloud; it wax and waned, waxed and waned, waxed and waned, waned and waned, and waxed upon my lips with its final breath.

Here lie the lonely and newly found.
Last edited by punchupatatigge at Mar 26, 2007,
#2
pretty cool. don't get the part about the romans though... very cool sounding and mysterious though, I enjoyed it.
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#3
Yeah, so now I'm lost as to whether the sister's dead or the main character is. Damn good writing though, loved the part about the roman's tears.

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Alk hit the nail on the head there.
#4
I didn't want to use italics, because the tense should indicate that the now italicized part is more of a vision/dream.
#5
that is pretty interesting man....the 'waning-waxing' thing at the end seemed kind of wierd, like you came back at night when the moon was out, and stole the gravestone. This has potiential, but you have kind of lost me as far as where you are going to go from here.
#9
S1 - 3 "theres" in two lines. "Deficiency" doesn't sound like the right word choice for me. Just not apt enough.

S2 - Didn't like the last part here, it felt as though it belonged to S3, there could be more to it imo.

S3 - "How silly of him" sounded so weak, theres far better images than that. "After a period of time I can't recall" Id be more formal here, make it a sentence rather than a statement.

S4 - "My indifference to the gardening goddess who graced me. Lack of appreciation, actually." and that whole stanza souns poorly worded, I hate the way you've constructed this sentence; indifference to what? Again use a full sentence to end on..."Actually, it was more like a lack of appreciation. It'll sound much better.

S5 - No need for the "and" to begin. "from millions of years...."

S6 - You could carry a gravestone? I like the idea but...

Overall this was alright, you lost the wittier features of the first, the subtle progression of the second, and by now you're aiming to cover too much ground too early, I know very little about the grounds, other than the gravestones, little of a few things. Theres alot of abstractions in this and so little is built upon the characters, other than the obvious causeof her death. More concise details are needed imo.

Still that said, the ideas and progression is there. Keep it up.

A bump on mine would be cool
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#11
I will be back to this Teg.

Enjoy the bump for now. If I still haven't got to this by Friday, Pm me.
#13
Never miss- sorry for the delay, but it's a big piece man

the day before the flood - tasting salt
I stood there for a while. Good intriguing opening- you got the basic opener right, which is something people tend to fail. The offerings given during her funeral remained. What, because people are known to steal them? This line seems kinda redundant imo. I had assumed that nobody attended, but there were actually quite a few cadeaux, as she would say. Nice glimpse of her personality- good one. The stone was stained by the color of rose blood, as if a rose had been crucified on it in the manner of Christ himself. This seems slightly clumsy imo. We're on about the headstone, yeah? I don't think you need to actually say Christ- the crucified part does that. I feel it would be much more effective if you cut the sentence at "it". There was no white robe, and certainly no tears. This was truly terrifying. My own sister, the one I had visited every other day for a year, until her death. I think this last sentence feels slightly oddly worded here, doesn't have great flow. I think it's th e"until her death" clause, I really feel that is too bluntly put and it just sounds silly imo. Course you wouldn't see her after her death. I just disliked those last three words.

She had been diagnosed with congenital heart disease. Too specific imo- you could just have heart disease. She was going to die standing; there was no doubt. I feel this could be put in a better way, nice twist on not taking it lying down but I still feel it could be made much stronger. However, she chose to mark her death with a different label and time. I'm not sure about this, usually when you use "however" it goes onto to contradict or ague against the previous idea, though I don't see how it works here. Her heart would beat unevenly, they said. No treatment possible. Nice, good length sentences here. Also I'm not sure about the jump from graveyard-thoughts-graveyard in the next paragraph.

There was a boy nearby, standing at one of the graves, about a year away from us. He was attempting to correct a gravestone. How silly of him. Ha, love the little opinion here. The engraver follows the directions of the dead, there is nothing to be corrected. Regardless, the event was intriguing. Man, LOVE this part. I watched him for a while, as it provided a diversion from the task at hand. After a period of time I can't recall, he grew frustrated and disappeared into the shadow behind a grave in the row ahead of us. This last part just overdid it for me. Could've just said shadows. He must have made a mistake; wrong grave, maybe?

Seriously, really loved this paragraph- probably some of the best I've seen from you. Or at least what I've most enjoyed. You could take the idea and make it a piece on it's own. Brilliant.

I had almost given up. At the last moment, as is typical in victory stories, an image entered. Great satirical tone here. Lovin' it.
My sister crouching on my three by three plot, watering me. My indifference to the gardening goddess who is gracing me. Deep. I'm taking my own meaning from this but this shows how versatile you are from clever, sharp prose to deep metaphors and images. really good Teg.

The clouds released their burdens onto their shadows, and I was drenched. Double "their" I think could be re-worded. I stuck out my tongue to catch the newly created water, only to taste the tears of Romans. There is no such thing as new water. Interesting turn here, I like how you've slowly progressed this from simple to more abstract. I also like how you used water for time- I had used sands in my lil' series I did. I think they're both very strong, as both things have been circulating the earth for millenia.

No, she doesn't work here. They just make her stand around. I unearthed my gravestone, placed it onto my shoulders and attempted to outrun the lone raincloud; it wax and waned, waxed and waned, waxed and waned, waned and waned, and waxed upon my lips with its final breath. Eh, not so sure about the repetition. Personally I didn't take anything out of it, but it might mean something to you. This has gotten pretty trippy now, but imo it still has a meaning you can get out of it, so it's good that you haven't gone too far.

Here lie the lonely and newly found.
Eh, see really I need an ending to tie this all up, and imo this didn't. If you do plan to end like this I think the piece as a whole, from your sharp start to your more abstract ideas towards the ends, needs to be more coherent and concise.

Personally I liked this Teg, though I feel the ending disappointed. I think it needs to link up more if you are ending like that, I really feel you need something to anchor this piece down to the reader.

Hope I helped man. Nice work
#14
Thank you jammy, i will work on a few of the things you mentioned. As far as the ending goes, its not trippy. Plus, its not really an ending, this is still part of my short story. :P
#15
Thanks for crit. I appreciate it. I usually don't read the short stories on the forums, but I'm glad I read this one. I really enjoyed reading it. It had a very somber atmosphere to it, which I really dug and I thought the paragraph about correcting the gravestone was excellent. The story definitely got better and better as it progressed.
#16
i'm disappointed that you didn't go further
with the "no new water" thing. i think you
could have done something good with that.

i'll comment more later, probably.

I just want to sleep forever.